"All he left us was alone"

So, today.
Monday. Definitely Monday. Not so definitely St. Patty's Day, though I hope you all enjoy the holiday and hopefully with a little more boozing than I did (but I think enough of that happened Saturday....)
It was a frustrating day. None of my classes seemed...worthwhile, I guess. I was very honest with people today though -- particularly professors. It seemed appreciated though.

Rehearsal was almost a waste, I was in there for a half an hour. We found a shirt for my character, so that was good. And I expressed how I wished there was more for me to "play with" to the director, and he did a little bit to help me out with that.

So I've been thinking about this list of things I want and need in a boy. How impossible is the list? It's pretty awful, but here's what I've narrowed down to specifically the "need" aspects:

1. Must be attractive.
2. Must love being paid attention to.
3. Must allow me to take care of them a little bit, but still be able to take care of me should I ever need it.
4. Must be able to put a smile on my face even when I'm being moody.
5. Must not be as much of a jealous asshole as I am.
6. Must know how to calm my jealousy. (Which, ps, isn't that hard if you know what to say. A guy could easily learn this if they asked. It's all one sentence, and it doesn't have the Big L Word in it at all.)
7. Must love to take me to social events with his friends, or at least introduce me to them. (Make me feel like a trophy boyfriend sometimes, y'know?)
   
8. Must love to be taken to social events with my friends or at least be introduced to them.
9. Must be encouraging about my attempts to take care of myself, but not afraid to recognize when something I'm doing should not be encouraged and to say so.
10. Must have a sense of humor.
11. Must have a flare for living life, not just getting through it.
12. Must have a strong personality.
    
13. The most important one, hardest to find: Must tell me when I screw up!! Tell me when I'm overbearing, tell me if I'm annoying, tell me if I do something they don't like because either I can and will fix it, or we'll work around it, or it will be a deal breaker but at least there won't be any question of why things ended!

That's only thirteen things I need. That's not so impossible, right? Is there more to that list that I'm forgetting? Anyways, I'm a little curious....so leave me a comment to discuss...how similar is my list to yours? What is your list of Needs in a potential mate? Or are you still in the process of finding that out?

(Random Ethan Reynolds pic courtesy of his Myspace. It's beautiful, he's wearing a vest, he's beautiful. It just needed to be here. :P)

How well do you know yourself?

A conversation last night led me to start thinking about myself on a different, more introspective level than I usually do.

This friend of mine and I were discussing relationships (he said he was thinking he might look to settle down soon -- I still think it's gonna be a while before he settles down but what do I know? :P) We both agree that there's really three stages everyone has to go through:
-Dating Around -- this is where you have relationships where you don't necessarily fall in love (though you might) but you are dating more to learn what it is you are looking for in a person.
-Finding What You Want -- now that you've figured out what it is you want and need in a relationship, you have to find it. There's probably fewer relationships at this point, but they're much more serious and more likely than not you fall in love, even if it doesn't last for forever.
-Having What You Want -- this one....this is your most serious relationship, it's the one that will, unless something terrible (like death) happens, will last for the rest of your life. If you're able to have a relationship afterwards, there's a good solid chance you'll be back at square one, because nothing can compare. (Or at least, that's how the romance authors make it seem.)

When the conversation happened, I was pretty sure I was there in stage 2, Finding What You Want. But I was thinking about the things I want and need in someone -- it's a long list and it seems like it would be impossible to fulfill. Maybe I need to go back to giving more people a chance?
But then I consider how miserable I was with most of the boys that I gave a shot to when I was definitely still trying to figure out what I wanted and remember why exactly I'm jaded and cynical and I think....maybe not.

I gotta refine that list though, that's for damn sure.

"It's Gay-Ja-Vu"

Oh. Migod.

Lemme fill you guys in. Because, for serious, I have such news for you! You will laugh, you'll cry, you'll dance and sing! Don't touch that remote!

Okay, enough intro. Here's what happened........

After James came to visit me in Rhode Island this summer, he continued northeast and went to Maine. While there, he met a lad named Jon. They hung out, went out, and summer loving had them a blast.

Despite myself, I was furiously jealous. But I told myself it was okay because, hey, I'll never meet this guy. He's in Maine. Right? Of course right.

The world is too damn small.
I'm partying in Providence, and my friend Joe (who is a skanky mcslutterson, and he won't mind me saying that either :P) is trying to hook up with these two kids: Francis, from RI, and his friend Jon who is visiting from out of state.
I run into Francis and Jon a couple of times and then it comes out: Jon is from Maine.
I'm afraid to ask, but I figure....there's got to be a ton of Jons in Maine, right? No way is this the same one.
So I ask......"Do you know a James from Pennsylvania?"
"Tall guy?"
"Yeah."
"Ohmigod, I LOVE him!"
So not what I wanted to hear. I left the conversation, ranted to Rob (my boss at the Dark Lady who is also one of the few people in Providence who I think really knows the depth and breadth of this crush) about what had just happened and then tried to hate Jon.
It's not frikkin' possible. He's just nice. I can't hate on him, and I won't.

But of course, I can't keep my mouth shut. Jon says "Tell James I said hi!" So I did.
Next thing I know, James is on his way to Providence and he's gonna stay at my parents house. With me. NOT IN MY BED. He said things were over between him and Jon, but he had vacation time and he was going to Vermont anyways and he'd been planning on swinging by this place in New Hampshire that Jon goes and surprising him.....so he was gonna stop in Providence and see both of us instead.
I'm freaking out. First of all, there's that jealousy and the fact that Jon is unhateable at war with each other. Then there's the fact that Joe totally wants to hook up with Jon. All I can see is the drama I'm afraid is going to happen.

James shows up and watches The Illusionist with my mom, my grandmother, and I. Then we went out. I had to work at Dark Lady that night, but James went over to Mirabar. He came back, mildly intoxicated (he's cute when he's drunk, I have to say) when the night was ending. Some guy would not leave him alone, and ended up taking James outside with him when Dark Lady closed....I went over to Rob and was like "A guy just took James outside" and Rob hands me money and goes "GO!" Love that man so much. Like, really, it's ridiculous. If he weren't my boss and weren't taken and if there was any chemistry there at all...:-P

Anyways...next day, I have to help take down decorations with mom. Obviously, James should not be enlisted to help....so, I was good, and encouraged him to spend the day with Jon. My mom was proud of me, and you should be too. :P
I was also supposed to have a date that night...didn't end up happening, so I took James to the coffee shop it was supposed to be at. He'd never had tiramisu, so he had it. He offered to pay for me too, but I didn't let him because that totally wouldn't have been fair. Also, would have been very date-esque...and while I would've loved that, at the same time it didn't seem right.

So we went to the Dark Lady, where I was a little depressed to find that two of the guys there who've been single the whole time I've known them both came with boys attached that night. That's okay, I showed up with James...different sort of attached, but whatever.
We went to Mirabar. Jon and Francis (and Joe) were all there, along with a million other people I had to say good-bye too before I left the state (we'll get to that later, it's less important :P). I'm pleased to say that James danced with me most of the night. We didn't flirt much that I noticed, but he did do a lot of flirting. Because of that...things that were yet to come were quite shocking for me!

In the parking lot where we'd parked, we ran into Kevin who DJs at Dark Lady some time and he invited us to Bickfords with him and some of his friends. We accepted.
Anyways, through the course of the meal, as had been happening all weekend, many many people assumed we were either dating or hooking up. Kevin seriously wanted to know why I wasn't going to have sex with James that night, so I dragged him outside, explained the situation as best as I could (especially the part where James tells me about all the boys he likes and is talking to) and he gave me a sound fist-to-the-chest and a flick on the forehead to knock some sense into me.
That worked well.
Anyways, thankfully Kevin has some degree of tact and did his best to put a stop to the questions about James and I. This, however, opened the door for Brendan -- one of the pillars of Providence's gay community and also the most tactless queer I ever met (although I do love him most of the time) -- to proceed to mercilessly hit on James. We get it, he's hot. Not every guy in the world needs to express this all the time.

So James and I got home around 3:30 am. I had been planning on waking up at 10 am and leaving at 11 am. This would have worked if mom had remembered to finish the laundry. So I went to bed at 5 am.
Early in the expanse of laundrying, I noticed James still getting texts -- presumably from Devin, one of my friends who is a shot boy at Mirabar, who'd been texting him since we left the club. If it weren't Devin I'd probably be jealous too, but Devin is just so friendly it's even possible (albeit unlikely, but I'm telling myself this is what's going on) that Devin is just texting his new friend. Anyways, I teased him about how late he was still getting texts and how popular he was. He sent me a text that said "Shut up biotch" and I replied "Whatever. Either go to sleep or help keep me awake, bitch :P". His reply said something along the lines of "I'd invite you to sleep with me but I think it'd be awkward for your parents in the morning".
Whoooooooooaaaaaaaaa.
I said "I'd accept but for the same reason."
And thus that bout of flirting ended as James went to sleep and I did laundry.

The next morning, James left for Vermont and I, in turn, headed in the opposite direction, back to Pennsylvania, to collect my car and return my rental to Enterprise. One week before classes start.

I want to reiterate that there was no sex during the course of this past weekend. There has been no sex since...well, Thanksgiving break. I'm okay with that.

So, in comparison to Rhode Island, even in the winter, I've determined that central Pennsylvania? Boooooooooooring. I'm bored bored bored. So I've been IMing basically everyone who is on the buddy list of my new screenname (ps, yeah, I got a new one) except Jonathan Vargas cause I'm totally nervous to IM him. :P
That includes James.
Who, yesterday, randomly...well, here's an excerpt from our conversation:

Me (11:48:15 PM):	I'm so bored, I think I might be hungry just for something to do.
Monday, January 07, 2008
James (12:08:11 AM):	:-*
Me (12:08:55 AM):	:-) what's that for?
James (12:09:01 AM):	i dunno
Me (12:09:21 AM):	Yeah, okay. :-P
Me (12:12:27 AM):	Well :-* back atcha. :-)
Me (12:13:32 AM):	And maybe you can get a real one next time I see you ;-)
James (12:13:43 AM):	ok

Yeah, I got a little flustered and I think I ruined it. Oh well.

Umm...so, today I got my car back and returned the rental. I really need to clean my car, that's the plan for tomorrow. Well, today now....

I'm gonna do it my way, take it for just what it is.

Now that you've been caught up on meaningless stuff like my car and my short play....here's the real deal update:

Two things I know you're concerned about: my party life, and my love life. Cause you guys are shallow like me, admit it.

Soo...since partying it up hardcore (Steve's favorite word) in Providence, working at the Dark Lady twice (Thanksgiving Eve and then the following Saturday), parties in Central Pennsylvania have been, well, drab. As is my usual first response after a taste of Providence.

So I haven't stayed in Pennsylvania. Okay, mostly I did. You know, I went to XS a lot. Thanks to my car issues, not as much as I wanted to though. I didn't get to work as much either, so I'm a little broke, but that's beside the point.
Unfortunately, going to the club less means I'm going to more on campus parties and drinking more. Plus, Katie and I had our own Christmas party which quite a few people came to and, yes, we drank. But Katie and I baked cookies for that too!!

Anyways, the big event was heading down to DC for Town. You see, it's been around for about a month and it is supposed to be the biggest best party in the region.
It is. No lie. I had more fun that night, in that crazy party. I want to go back every week -- and when I'm around here, I think I can. I'm seeing about getting a job there when I get back from the holidays. It was SO thrilling.

Speaking of thrilling, this just in: Jason Sechrest said I was fucking adorable. JASON FUCKING SECHREST LIKES MY LOOK (or pretends to, though I really don't know where the motive behind that would be). Where the hell do I sign up for HIM??? And who is gonna pay for me to go to LA like...uhm, now. (Okay, after New Year's. :P)

Right, and that brings us to my love life.
Actually, there's a teeny something here: someone sent IMs from AIM to my phone (which is the same as texting me cause my phone is that old school :P). Here's our clues about this person's identity: I see them almost every day, I don't talk to them much any more (I didn't talk to a lot of people much this semester, it was a rough one on me), and I believe they had an exam Friday morning, and I am Facebook friends with them. They said they were shy, which truly cuts down on which of my friends it could be. We can also be pretty sure this person is in the closet.
I've figured out several people that it isn't. More than that, I've figured out: it would be absolutely impossible for me to date a closet case on our campus. Remember Anthony? Remember how all of campus found out he'd cheated on me before I did? I have no secrets from these people. :-P That doesn't mean I wouldn't try, though, depending, of course, on who it is.

And that brings us to our close. In conclusion...
Katie: "I like it so much better when you don't have your conscience."
Graham: "Well, I just picked it up somewhere and I can't find the receipt."
We've determined that we're much more Jack & Karen than Will & Grace.

Boys are not always these evil, nasty, horrid creatures from Hell that I make them out to be. In fact, more often than not they're perfectly fine. (Of course, more often than not they're straight...) The problem, of course, is that those moments where some guy manages to break through my jaded exterior into the hopeless romantic underneath...well, those are the moments I can't get out of my head. And then I'm surprised when it turns out...they're just like any other guy.
But then, sometimes it's totally reasonable that I would be infatuated over a moment like that.

Sometimes boys have manners. They let the guest choose the movie, let the guest have the best seats, they insist on paying and will even offer somewhat valid reasons as to why they should. They treat people with politeness and respect that I haven't seen anything like since I was twelve and my mom was watching my behavior towards my friends like a hawk.
"That'll be 4.50." the woman at the cash register says.
You both reach for your wallets. He's closer to the register, so you say, "I've got it."
"No, I'm the one working. All of the time."
"But it's your morning. I'd be using my parents'," you point out.
He doesn't answer you. He hands his money to the cashier and takes your snacks off the counter. "It just gives me a reason to work more."
You're worth working for.

And when a boy can make you feel like the world is standing still, on a city or on a beach. Those incredible moments when nothing is happening anywhere except in that little bubble, that little universe, where only the two of you exist.
"We really should call people, see if there's anything going on tonight," you suggest.
"I'm having fun just walking around the city," he says.
I'm having fun just being with you.

Or when a guy, innocent (well, more so than me) and adorable, just asks, shyly, if you might go out with him some time. "I met a guy," he says to you in that voice that clearly says he's talking about you, but to your face, "He's cute. He seems nice. I'm thinking of asking him out. What do you think I should do?"
You smile, you play the game with him. "Well, you should ask and see what says."
He smiles back. He's glad you're playing along, but he knows what that means. It's all the confidence boost he needed -- he's pretty confident anyways. "Do you want to go out sometime?"
You're playing it nonchalantly, but you want to throw a party. I mean, about damn time, right? "Sure."
"Okay." He smiles again. I'm ecstatic that you like me.

"I want my silver spoon..."

"Don't need it right now, but I better get it soon!"

I love this song. "Great Big Stuff" from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels...

"I just want someone to love me....
FOR MY MONEY! OH YEAAAAAAAAAH!!"

Anyways, now that I've talked about myself, it's time to (in a very WB-TV show-esque way) catch you up on the various "story arcs" going on in my life right now.

I'm excelling in the theater department at school, currently participating in our main stage production (I'm playing Jellaby, the butler in Arcadia). For which I am not allowed to shave.

That is kind of an issue, actually. I'm also in a desperate hunt. Presently, my best bets for employment are either H&M (oh, I can only hope and pray!!) or Abercrombie & Fitch. However, since my previous "best bets" recently have all crashed and burned in a much less pleasant way than the similarly named Savage Garden song, we're not feeling too optomistic at the moment.

In an almost-job related area, the local club has just begun to work its way back into my life. And by "work its way" I mean, it's forcing through everything else. You see, in a brash attempt to show an ex-boyfriend that he was screwing with the wrong guy, I entered this pageant for the club title. I was successful in my goals -- I beat my ex-boyfriend's contestant (he was helping this one guy), but didn't win myself. I came in second. Today, however, I received a phone call from the winner of the pageant. He is leaving for the Air Force, soon. Which leaves me with a title I don't particularly want, nor do particularly have the amount of time I would like to devote to having this title. Worse still...this year's pageant is coming up in November. Which means, I get to jump in and finish planning, organizing, running, and hosting the pageant.

In the romantic aspects of this thing I call my life....well, that's not so exciting. I have a guy hitting on me who I am totally beyond uninterested in. I may or may not be going on a no-strings-attached-I'm-not-really-interested date with another guy who's been trying to woo me since the pageant we were just discussing. I figure it's been long enough he deserves a chance. And I mean, he's a sweet guy, calls when he says he will...who knows, it could be something good. I am, however, hung up on a guy in Rhode Island who's not interested in me at all. Eh...you win some, you lose some, right? Of course right.
So, mostly, my love life is being lived through the stories I hear from all of my friends. So, in that sense, man I get around. :P