Love and Attraction

So, Darren Hayes has done it again.

Okay, did it again.

His album The Tension & the Spark has been released on iTunes. It was therefore also released on Ruckus (a link ALL of you college students want to go to -- free and legal music downloads for college students! And there's lots of extremely obscure songs on it, some that you can't find on iTunes-- which, ps, iTunes isn't free!) (end shameless plug)

I downloaded all the songs from the album that I didn't already have from anonymous other sources. One of those was a song called "Love and Attraction".

It describes my love life. Perfectly. How does he be so amazing, really?

"I'm a clown, cause I laugh at angels."

Remember back in the day when I used to do a weekly hottie? How many of you are interested in me resuming that practice? Let's have a show of hands, or rather, comments.

I'm feeling kind of blah today.
Okay, it's really been kind of all week.
I figured out why. I'll give you a hint. Boys. And a teensy bit of self-loathing for my total fear of rejection that renders me absolutely unable to talk emotions roughly 95% of the time.
The Daniel Bedingfield song "Gotta Get Through This" is totally helping right now. I'm a little shocked there's nothing by Darren Hayes or Savage Garden that is ringing true, cause you know how less-than-three that divine angel of music.

Moving on....I'm running errands today.
First, I need to get gas. That is going to hurt. A lot. Last time I filled up, which was in my rental, it cost me slightly over fifty dollars. You can bet your ass, I will not be filling up, at least not from E, for a looooong ass time . Putting in twenty bucks and that is all.
Seriously, gas hurts.

I'm bringing my class schedule over to American Eagle so I can be on the schedule now that I'm back in Pennsylvania. I sort of implied I'd do this yesterday, but I simply never got my act together and got out of the house. It was that blah feeling. But the sooner I'm working, the better, because lord almighty I need money.

I have to go grocery shopping. We have food, yes. Katie went shopping when she got back from the holidays about a week before I did. Unfortch, Katie went shopping thinking "Oh, it's about week before Graham gets here..."
I am unable to eat almost everything in my own kitchen.

Tonight I have to go to XS and talk about some shiz with the boss.
See, I came back and I sent a message to the manager who the owners had kinda put in charge of us dancers to let him know that I was back, right?
He sent me a message back saying that they don't have dancers at XS anymore.
Now, not that I'm incredibly pissed over this (okay, I kinda am) but shouldn't I have at least gotten a message on Myspace, if not an e-mail or a phone call? Like, normally you let people know when you're firing them, right? That's not some kind of workplace myth, is it?
So, anyways, I just need to let them know I'm irked. I'm not looking for my job back, I'm looking for still not having to pay cover even though I don't work there.
I mean, after all, their 18+ Thursday night draws people in from as far away as Baltimore, and who was it that told them to have it on Thursdays and lower the cover to $5.00? Who was there for every single lame-ass 18+ Tuesday night despite my morning Wednesday classes at the time? Give you a hint, his name starts with a G. :P
Loyalty, that's what it's all about.

It's going to be my first night out since I got back to PA. How lame that it'll be so marred.

Also, if anyone knows places looking for go go boys....
I know that Town is always looking and I saw recently that Chris Ryan was looking for some. Both those are hugely far away, but it could be worth it.

I never really discussed my New Years Resolutions, did I? Right, here they are:

• Start paying more attention to my health
• Take all of my pills all of the time
• Work out
• I need a work out buddy
  
• Eat more, eat better
• Schedule the doctor's appointments I'm supposed to make
• Get my elbow looked at -- it still doesn't straighten all the way. It's been a long ass time.
  
• Start modeling as much as possible
• Get hotter
• Work out
• Remember the Jergens!!
• Audition for a theater production outside of school

So there you have it folks.

"Now my whoring has turned into art!!!!"

I have several things to discuss here. Very important things of course.

First of all: I've said this before, and I'll say it again. The Wild Party is the most "me" musical there is or has ever been.

Anyone who happens to be thinking something like "Gosh, I'd love to pre-order a CD right now", Darren Hayes' new CDs are coming out on August 25th. I will not be pre-ordering it. However, I may try to sway my parents or an aunt (my aunts enjoy spoiling me...most of my family does. I think this explains a lot) into doing so. Probably after I tell them about that speeding ticket from a few weeks ago. I should get on that, huh?
Anywho, I'm also trying to sway you into pre-ordering it. The faster he becomes a huge megastar in the US, the faster he does a concert here. The sooner he does a concert here, the sooner I can get a backstage pass and become fast friends with him -- and then have him sing at my wedding. See, it's all part of my ebil scheme.
His song "Step Into the Light" is on the July CD at Abercrombie & Fitch, and it makes my life complete.

I am ecstatic, ps, because I just found Roman Heart's Myspace. I sent him an add request. And a message which is something I will probably be embarrassed about for...y'know, the rest of my life. 20/20 hindsight, ya'know? On the other hand, I told him about my repeated failings to see him in person, so he may at least be amused by that. We can hope.

Oh, I got the new Harry Potter today. Late birthday gift. Cause, y'know, I didn't get enough books. Now before I hear everyone's opinions on the series and J.K. Rowling, and all, I will say mine. It is not literature. As a piece of art, really, it's terribly. Rowling is not a writer, she is a storyteller. For all of it's failings as a piece of literature, it is a well-crafted story.
Okay, carry on.

Okay, on to Saturday....because I know you all are dying. Aside from my large (for Dark Lady) amount of tips, the party was sooooooo much fun. Spoon (my friend and the other dancer) and I had trouble finding Christmas themed stuff to wear, so I raided my family's Christmas tree decorations. Yes, we were decked out in garlands. He had managed to find a Santa hat and a red bowler (which I tried to wear, but, once more for the record: I am not a hat person. Especially not bright red bowlers.) I had a red bow tied onto my upper arm. It was pretty hot.
There were tons of photographers there. Of course, some people just wanted photos for their home collection (which makes me kind of annoyed because, of course, they never tip when they take pictures...). Also, a comedian was there, taking pictures for his comic routine. The photographer for EDGE Providence was there. And a photographer from I.N News Weekly was there. Spoon and I ate up the attention. Sort of like we ate up all the free stuff we were getting from the food court. Fat kid at heart much? Yeah, I am.
The party was a great success. Tons of fun. But it was five hours of dancing with no break (because I don't take breaks -- I'll stop dancing to wander around and talk to the crowd, but I don't rest or relax or stop moving ever), versus the usual three hours. So, obviously, we were beat by the end. And then we helped clean up. Which got us plenty of respect from everyone, although, two days later, my body still hates me. Oh well. Mutinies like this make the work day exciting. :-P

(The photo of me was taken by Bill Berggren of I.N. News Weekly. The other two pictures I found on...you guessed it, Google Image Search!)

"A feeling, a moment, a bursting of bubbles..."

I am having a serious Darren Hayes day. Okay, week. Month. Life. Shut up, I'm not obsessed.
First, there's his new music video, which I have been watching repeatedly for roughly since I first found out about it. When I can't actually watch it, I play it in my head. :P I don't understand the video, it's a little trippy, but I adore it anyways.

He also is on the new A&F CD with his song (from his upcoming album) "Step Into the Light". My manager laughed at me when I got all excited over the song, cause I was telling her about it (she'd missed it on her break) and she said something along the lines of "I'll know which song it is because I'll just watch you have a seizure." Yeah, I was that excited.

I've now worked at the Dark Lady three times. It needs to publicize its dancers a lot more, which is something we (the dancers) are going to begin working on immediately. I only have a few weeks left of my summer, and I'd like to have the club be much more profitable by the time I come back in the winter and next summer, y'know?
Still, it's a suuuuper fun place to work, and that's nice. :)

"Don't leave me standing here, come out of the dumpster..."

So, I'm feeling some better. The ride home was pretty much "eh". I have already been reminded of the things I don't enjoy about home, the trick will be tolerating these things for three months.

In other news...Darren Hayes has a new CD coming out August 20th. You. Must. Buy. It. It sounds amazing.

Pretty Person of the Week!

This week we have someone super special. He's someone I've talked about on here before, though not in a while....Darren Hayes.
So one the one hand he's absolutely gorgeous. He's got beautiful eyes, a super-hot jawline...you know how facial features get me. Every time.

The hottest thing though? His VOICE! Dear lord, a voice like that does not belong in a human throat -- it's divine. One of the reasons for doing him today, the day after Valentine's Day, is because he's forever entwined with romance in my mind. Not because I want to romance him (although I totally would) but because the only thing in my head for my hopefully-someday wedding is that he absolutely MUST sing at it. I don't care if he frikkin' sings "Unloveable" (an amazing song!), he's gonna sing at my wedding. :-P

You may recall him from the '90s, the lead singer for the Australian band Savage Garden. Their first album sold 11 million copies worldwide. Yeah, you try selling that many. Their second album did not do badly at all either (I don't know the numbers though). Then they split -- and it wasn't long before Darren launched a solo career. For some reason that I cannot for the life of me figure out, his first album Spin is universally considered a flop. Granted, it has nothing on The Tension & the Spark, his second album in which he absolutely shines, but seriously. Why every single person on the planet did not buy both those albums as soon as they were released is beyond me.
Granted, it may have had to do with the same reason why I'm forced to listen to him on YouTube, his Myspace, and Yahoo! Music...the fact that I can't find his CDs anywhere.



Listening to the tones of his voice also seems to have healing properties on me. Well, usually it does...I've been trying that tactic all day, and I'm still waiting. But it will work, it cannot fail! (Or I'll just take some cold medicine since I just got some.)

In the end though, sorry to have put you through all this temptation but he's married to his beau and living in the UK (London, I do believe). That means we are all S.O.L...excepting, of course, that we still get to hear his voice.
I might just give up the wedding dream if I managed to hear him at least once, though at the wedding would be absolutely the best. You know, man I love, friends I love, family I love, me I love, and oh yeah, voice I love too. Works for me.

He is, however, performing in New York at Joe's Pub on March 28, so if you're in that area DEFINITELY do whatever it takes (short of murder, theft, pillaging, etc) to get there. Tickets just went on sale yesterday (Wednesday, V-Day) at noon. I'm willing to bet they're going fast too. I'd totally have a ticket except I sincerely doubt I can get away from school to go see him.

Disclaimer: As usual, all of my photos came from a diligent Google Image Search.

PS Too late. Joe's Pub is already sold out. Whoops.

"Please tell me what you like, does that feel nice?"

I don't understand at all.

I don't think he does either.
This past weekend...it was perfect. I felt comfortable, I felt safe, I felt like we were a sure thing.

Now I'm not so sure. I don't know what's going through his head, and he doesn't seem to be able to explain it to me. There is no more "ciao bello" just "ciao", there are no more compliments coming with ease from him. It all feels very harsh, very cold.

And I have to wonder...has he gotten what he wanted? I don't think he's that type of guy, I really don't. But I usually don't.

And he's seeming a little A.D.D. Like, he just burst out on this rant about men and all of the heartbreak he's gone through. About as much as me, for the record.
All I want is to keep him from getting hurt again, but I can already see...or I'm already afraid. This is going to get me hurt again, and again, and again. I'm starting to think I'm wasting my time, looking for something meaningful with him.
The things he complained about, the things he said he was tired of...they're not me. The things he seems to want, that's what I have to offer. Can I get him to see that? No.

Maybe I'll just settle for less, go after some gorgeous guy (and who gives about his personality?) from the club I work at. Maybe I'll try to forget about him. I can't do this up-down-all-around. I can't be his seasonal boyfriend, his date when I'm home on vacation.

I'm not saying I need a decision right now, but I need him to stick on a fairly steady indecision.
How appropriate...the song that just started?

Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help
Falling in love with you

Boys make my brain hurt.

Darling so it goes
Some things
They were meant to be

"I console myself that Hallmark cards are true, I really do..."

So, in first news: I have definitely only *just* gone back to see if I have any comments on any posts. I was delighted to find that I did -- which means I actually have readers! You're not just imaginary people! That has made my day in ways that you don't even know. So, I would like to thank Heather of Thoughts from the Void and Pete Ross, our very own Porn Rebel, for lighting up this dark and dreary day.

Now, I'm about to expose to you all just how incredibly jaded I am. This is something I usually try to keep hidden, but I tend to be highly distrustful of men. And, as per usual, when I let down that guard I have and actually date someone, it turns out I'm just being an idiot.
Now as some of you know, I've been a little more than unsure of my relationship (if you can call it that) with Boy-Anthony. I did, last night, confirm that I'm just second-guessing myself and I do actually like him. Unfortunately, this occurred because I was so upset with him.

You see, he had told me that he was going to go to a club, that he'd called off work, probably in Philly. That's fine. I had a birthday party I had to go to.
While I'm at the party, he calls and lets me know he's on my campus. I told him I wasn't on campus, but I would be back in a couple hours and I would call him. When I returned to campus I called him -- three times. He did not answer, he did not call back. So I just sort of chilled in my dorm room. I'm listening to (surprise, surprise) Savage Garden when suddenly I hear a knock on my door. Loud, frantic knocking. And then someone going "Graham, Graham!" So I stop the music, and open the door to find two of the guys on my floor -- both drunk, standing there.
"Anthony says it's over!" one of them says.
"Yeah, some guy said it."
"He said something about you don't know how to make a phone call. Or answer your phone!"
Okay, so I get that Boy-Anthony's probably shitfaced, but sending people up three flights of stairs to tell me this instead of doing it himself? That on its own would piss me off. But that lame excuse of phone calls too? Call me Livid.
So I called him, and he called back a few minutes later. No idea what the two guys were talking about. But then again, he can barely remember his own name, he's that drunk. He tells me to meet him at the diner with some of his friends.

I get to the diner, and I'm doing the good boyfriend thing. He couldn't read the menu, so I ordered for him -- exactly what he wanted (well, he didn't want the water I made him drink...). I helped him stand up when he didn't feel like sitting. I put up with him telling me to "Fuck off" over and over and over whenever I wanted him to sit down or drink his water.
And I'm not mad when he tells me he made out with a cute girl tonight, cause you know what? At least he's telling me. I agree with Darren Hayes, "I believe trust is more important than monogamy". When I mention that, Boy-Anthony also mentions "I might have done something with a boy tonight, but I don't remember." I'm still not mad, he's being honest.

And then he gets pissed at me. He gets mad at me because of two things: 1) I won't do anything with him while he's drunk. That's part of my rule, either both parties are sober or both parties are drunk when sexual acts occur. If both parties are drunk, then it's either something they both want or its a mutual not-thinking-straight. If both parties are sober, you know they both want it. There's no danger of taking advantage of someone.
2) He's mad because apparently he heard from two drunk people who don't even know me that I'm fucking some guy at my school. Which, I'm not. I don't even know who they're talking about. Then Boy-Anthony makes insinuations about myself and my friend Cody, who I *almost* dated at one point but we're both very much over each other. I was just like "Yeahno." But that pissed me off -- he's the one doing shit with other people, and he's pissed at me? He has that little trust in me? How can you date someone you have no trust for?

I told him I would call him today. I haven't. But I should. Probably now-ish.
But, hey, I've had a good rant.

Thanks again for the comments, they really did cheer me up! :)

"Got a little crush, I just can't get enough of that stuff, it's such a rush!"

It's Thursday now. We know what that means! PRETTY PEOPLE!!
This hottastical man is (like you couldn't tell from the picture) Pete Ross. Gay porn star, flight attendant, photographer, rock god, blogger, homosexual. He's got a whole lotta roles to fill, and he does them all admirably.

And some of you might be like "porn star, skeevy!" but really....is it? They use condoms in almost all the movies these days (Pete uses them in all of his, unless I've missed something...), they get tested, and more than that? Like any celebrity, they do things. Most porn stars show up at events like Pride Parades, or charity events. Hell, I've heard of some charity events that are basically just FOR porn stars. It's basically the same as being a famous actor, only with clothes on less of the time. No big deal.
(Well, actually, that clothes thing entirely depends on the actor. For instance, Brad Pitt at this point? Might as well be in porn. :-P)

Flight attendant? That's a hot job. The travel, the places you get to see....the activism when your boss tries to fire you for your other job? Yeah, because not only is Pete Ross a flight attendant -- he's a flight attendant who fought his own industry for their discriminating against him, and won. That is an accomplishment.

He takes pictures too. If you look at his blog (it's in my "Other Interesting Blogs" list over on the right), the last entry will take you to a photo album with plenty of his pictures. It's not say, National Geographics, but then he's not dumb enough to take pictures into a shark's mouth so I'd say that's impressive. They're better than most of the pictures I take (when I own a camera...which, not so much lately.)

If you read his blog though, you'll also find he's a fairly good writer. He has proper spelling and grammar! And also, an every-day person. And reasonably intelligent!

As for him being a rock god?
I just don't know what else you'd call it. He sings, and he's...rock god. That's all.

Oh, and in case you couldn't tell by the fact that it's the lyrics to "Crush (1980 Me)" by Darren Hayes in the title there....I am still listening pretty much non-stop to Savage Garden. It's probably pretty sickening to everyone else.