"There were times when I wanted to hurt you, and there were times when I know that I did"

Things get crazier here all of the time. Since the last time I updated, a lot has happened, so I'm going to breeze through all of that and then talk about what's really on my mind right now.

Thursday, a large group of my friends went to XS. It was fun.

Friday was a party with friends from school, but Beau came with Katie and I too. The cutie charmed the socks right off everyone, myself included! There's some pictures, but to protect the innocent I'm not gonna share. :P It was themed to be "Something That Happened on the Day of Your Birth". If you could, you were supposed to dress as whatever event you chose. Katie, Beau, and I all failed to dress as an event, but at least we had looked up our birth dates to find one to comment on. I chose two: the birth of a straight female porn star and Madonna being on the cover of Cosmopolitan.

Saturday, I hung out with Beau some more and then he headed out. Then I joined up with Cody and Aaron and we headed to Jeffy's and then a whole gaggle of us headed over to Philadelphia to party at XII Air Command for Charlie's 17th birthday -- cause it's 17+ on Saturdays. I met a guy there, he works the door and his name is Drew and he's got beautiful lips. I mean, there's no chance of it going anywhere because how often am I in Philadelphia? Never, right? Right.

I got back at 4 in the morning, slept like log (for once!) and went to rehearsal. I was there most of the day Sunday. And much of Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. Yay tech week!

Last night, The Diary of Anne Frank opened. It was great.
Afterwards, Amanda and Tyler and Brighid and I went to XS. My hair was still white. Tons of people were there, all abuzz with tons of gossip about topics I won't get into because it doesn't concern me but let's just say someone in our little circle of friends is making headlines, unfortunately not in a happy way. Michael was also there. And, surprise surprise, that's what I want to talk about.
After Easter weekend, Michael basically disappeared. I know that he and I talked about how nothing was likely to happen until we had graduated, but he wasn't answering texts or anything and we had talked about hanging out at least one more time. I was a little put off but more than that I was concerned. Finally, I messaged him on Myspace and he answered and explained that he'd just been really busy. Makes sense, I have been too.
Further lack of communication until I message him on Myspace inviting him to Wednesday's preview show. He declines, politely, but does inquire as to whether or not I will be at XS on Thursday.
So, lo and behold, he's there, I'm there...and Tyler's there. And Michael is like absorbed in Tyler, and Tyler is of course seeming to be interested in Michael, because how could you not be?
Brendan tells me that Michael's been talking to some high school senior (which seems to be a recurring theme for me). That's fine. What I'm not yet okay with is flirtation between Michael and one of my best friends.
Of course, unbeknownst to me, the two have been talking on Myspace for a couple of weeks. Why Tyler didn't tell me, I don't understand. But we talked about it today, and Ty and I are fine. Ish.
I explained that to Tyler, who was trying to respect that. I tried to tell Michael, but I just could not work up the balls to pull him aside and say anything. I sent him a text message this morning explaining why I'd been upset and apologizing if I'd been bitchy.
He called me that afternoon from work, said hi, asked how my day was. We chatted a little bit. He said "I got your text, I'm sorry I didn't answer. It's been a busy day." I apologized once more for being weird and he told me it was okay, it was totally understandable. Then he said he had a customer and he would call me back in a little while. There has still been no phone call from him.

Talking to friends has not made me any less upset or at all happier about the situation. Everyone seems to think I'm reacting reasonably here. Chloe, however, says that by apologizing I'm giving him power he shouldn't have. The cast of Anne Frank seems to think that the purpose of his phone call this afternoon was just to be a dick.
Somehow, I just can't find fault in the boy. I mean, I try because blaming myself for feeling and acting like this truly sucks. I call him "asshole" and "dickwad" and "jerkface" and raise my voice and shake my fist and occasionally hit things, but I've never felt like he deserved any of that. Is that weird?

I'm trying really hard to move on, or at least manage to put my feelings on hold and behave like a sane and rational person. I'm genuinely happy for him if he's got this other boy that I don't know and hopefully will never meet. That's great! And I could see him flirt with almost anyone and be fine -- so I'm making progress. But it still stings to see him flirting with my best friends.

What's worse, and what makes less sense, is how much trouble I have talking to him now. It's so awkward. I have hundreds of things I think of to say and ask. I want to hear him tell me every detail of his day, I want to know where he goes, what he does, who he talks to -- everything. I want to see his smile (I won't lie, the main reason he's still on my top friends on Myspace is because that means I get to see that smile whenever I log on); I want to make him smile. I'm seriously crushing hard, and it's totally ridiculous because I spent less than a week hanging out with him or talking to him. And in that week we talked about everything...now all that comes out of my mouth, if anything is "What's up?" and there's so much more going on in my head that for some reason I can articulate at all.

I'm figuring a few more rounds of John Tucker Must Die this week -- since I don't have rehearsal -- and a lot of chocolate and ice cream and I should be absolutely okay again. God I hope so.

No sleep in Heaven or Bethlehem

So now that I have your attention...(cause that picture does nothing if not grab attention! Holy hell it's HOT, right?) I've been staring at that one for days -- since Roman put it on his Myspace page. He's got plenty of new hot pictures from going out to clubs in LA too and I'm seriously feeling like I'm on the wrong side of the country.

I'm going to do something unusual in this post, I'm going to tell you when I slept and for how long each night. Take careful note, and I wonder if anyone can tell me exactly how sleep deprived I am right now.

So, Thursday night was our school's male beauty pageant (I don't really know how else to describe it). No, I wasn't in it this year. (My friend Mike beat me in the vote so he was in it, not me) Before it started there was blog-worthy stuff going on. My friend Olga was palling around with this cute guy who was obviously gay. She introduced me (I might have encouraged that) and he and I got to talking, he gave me his phone number and encouraged me to text him. Note that this was his idea completely.
So I did text him. And he replied. And so on and so forth throughout the course of the show.

The show was PHENOMENAL! I have to take a moment to say, however, that for a competition that is meant to reward creativity, originality, and dance skills it utterly failed this year. My friend Matt, after imitating Gollum and creating his own Lord of the Rings/Michael Jackson mix for his lip sync portion should have at the very least placed and he didn't. It was the most disappointed I have been in my school since I got here -- and that's really saying something.
I was extremely pleased, however, that my friend Mike (who beat me in the vote, and that's the only reaosn I wasn't competing myself) won. He was probably the most consistently awesome, and plus his escort was his mother (and he danced with her when they came out), so he had it in the bag. But I'm ridiculously pleased that he won, because what shame is there in my losing out in the vote to the guy who won? None. Nadah. I'm still almost the most amazing guy at our school.

Once the show ended, however? The guy I'd been talking to, Josh, suddenly stopped texting back. I saw him at our campus' little eatery where everyone went after the show, said "hi" and got a look and a cold shoulder. Obviously not worth it, but my friend Ty who was with me was mildly outraged, and stole my phone and then texted Josh from his own. "Hey, you know Graham?"
"Yeah, why?"
"No reason."
"Who is this?"
Ty gave his name from the show that had just happened, which ps Ty was in and it was kind of a train wreck (no offense Ty!). No response. A while later, I'm back at home and Ty and I are texting, since I'm a little peeved with him for doing that (cause now I look like I just gave out Josh's number) when suddenly Ty says "he wants to hang out with me". Obviously, Ty didn't because he's got moral standards and loyalty to his friends and also that's like a red flag that this kid is either far sluttier than either of us want out of a guy or that he's just a douche.

So I went to bed, and I slept for six hours.

Then there was Friday. Went through classes mindlessly and drone-like as always, with one exception: my advising appointment. Where we worked out my schedule so that I will be finished with classes one semester early. I am finishing up school in December! I'll still walk with my class in May, but it gives me a whole semester to figure out how to land on my feet following graduation. That is, if everything goes according to plan and we know how improbable that is in my life. :P

Then I took Katie to her latest doctor's appointment with her newest doctor. They hadn't gotten her x-rays, so they've scheduled her for a bone scan on Friday. Now, while she was making phone calls to let everyone involved know the latest, she got one from the government temp agency that she works for. And she was asked to resign her position, because she's missed so much work. Apparently, they're also including the two weeks she took off between assignments, although no one ever so much as implied that that actually counted against her time off. More than that, they're counting all of her excused medical absences because of this foot thing. She put in her resignation on Monday.

The scariest part? I haven't had a chance to try to find a roomie once she moves out in May. I don't know when I will get that chance. I don't even have time to stop by the rental office to go over my finances so I can make sure I can keep the apartment. Well, maybe Thursday I will. I better. I mean, seriously? I haven't had time to look at all of my e-mail (and it's taken me DAYS to write this), so the classifieds sitting in my inbox? I have 663 unread e-mails, and most of that? Isn't junk mail (though a lot of it, by now I'm sure, is old enough that I no longer need to read it). I go through about 30 a day, and get somewhere between 40 to a 100 the following -- this is a losing battle.

Friday night, the theater department took a trip to see Mother Courage and Her Children by Bertolt Brecht. It was phenomonal! Our professor Terri was in it, playing Mother Courage herself, and she was GREAT.

We got back from the show at midnight, and I began to work on my Monday morning presentation. Then I went to sleep for seven hours.

I woke up bright and early and went to get my haircut for the show, because it's coming up and coming up quickly! And we -- or at least I -- am so not ready. There's so much going on, and I just want to be able to focus on the show but it's really, truly difficult right now to focus on anything.

So after that, I met up with Allies and we went on our trip to Philadelphia. I handed my car keys to my friend Lindsey to give to my friend Natasha who needed my car for the day (I trust Natasha with my Pretty, she's driven her before.) We went to the zoo (I love that the signs all say Phila Zoo), which was a BLAST. Of course, Roger Williams Park Zoo in Providence is WAY better, but that's beside the point. Then we went to the gayborhood and we just sort of hung out. Amanda and I went to this restaurant called "More Than Just Ice Cream" and it was SO GOOD!
Soon, we all met up and headed over to 12th Air Command. We made a LOT of friends, and I met another boy. (Actually, all the gay guys there did...kinda.) His name is Beau, he's cute, and he's coming to visit this weekend. Why is it that I'm apparently at my hottest when I'm stressed beyond belief and can't really enjoy it? :P

We left Philly and went home. We got back at 4:19 am. I chilled around campus -- car-less. With my phone, dead. I walked to Giant and bought a breakfast of dried fruits. I walked back to campus and saw in Natasha's driveway -- my car! So I chillaxed there til she came out at 6:30 am (I know, I'm a creeper) and she and I headed over to meet the theater club for the New York trip!
The bus driver was AJ, who I go waaaaaaaayyyyy back with (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned him on here, probably ages ago when I first started dancing at XS), but I won't lie, he makes me kind of really uncomfortable. And he charmed the socks off everyone on the trip.
We wandered around New York City, and eventually settled on lunch at a fabulous little place called, if I recall correctly, the Playwright's Tavern?
After lunch we headed over to the Eugene O'Neil Theater and watched Spring Awakening. I am not lying or exaggerating at all when I say it is the best thing I have ever seen on Broadway. If you have the chance, you MUST see this show!!! It's still mostly the original cast, which was fantastic.
We also stood at the stage door and got autographs! YAY! :)

We got back at 11:30 pm. I finished working on my presentation for Monday morning and slept for six hours. I woke up, did my presentation, and left class for my own doctor's appointment for my elbow. The doctor pulled up my x-rays and then asked "Did you have x-rays taken?" He was confused by how my elbow looks like it belongs to an old man. The problem? Colitical arthritis from my Crohn's disease. The remedy? Surgery on April 22nd.
And somehow, the jokes that everyone and their mother keeps making about elbow injuries just aren't making me feel the love. They are making me feel like my friends are retarded and that they'd probably have a hernia if they had an original thought though. (I know, that was mean, but after twelve nearly identical masturbation jokes about my elbow in under an hour and a half, I think they've earned it.)

Last night, I went to bed at two thirty am, but I couldn't fall asleep for several hours. When I did get to sleep, I didn't stay asleep much. So even though there was a good ten to twelve hours dedicated to sleep, I don't think it helped much.

And, ps, that paycheck that went missing? STILL MISSING. I'm calling work today and trust me, there's gonna be words. I have not ever worked for ONLY two hours, and yet that's all I've been paid for at all this entire month. I need to go look for a job. But that costs gas that I can't really afford. Huh, another losing battle, imagine that.

Hey, finally finished! And just think...I started writing this Thursday night. It didn't quite take a week!