How well do you know yourself?

A conversation last night led me to start thinking about myself on a different, more introspective level than I usually do.

This friend of mine and I were discussing relationships (he said he was thinking he might look to settle down soon -- I still think it's gonna be a while before he settles down but what do I know? :P) We both agree that there's really three stages everyone has to go through:
-Dating Around -- this is where you have relationships where you don't necessarily fall in love (though you might) but you are dating more to learn what it is you are looking for in a person.
-Finding What You Want -- now that you've figured out what it is you want and need in a relationship, you have to find it. There's probably fewer relationships at this point, but they're much more serious and more likely than not you fall in love, even if it doesn't last for forever.
-Having What You Want -- this one....this is your most serious relationship, it's the one that will, unless something terrible (like death) happens, will last for the rest of your life. If you're able to have a relationship afterwards, there's a good solid chance you'll be back at square one, because nothing can compare. (Or at least, that's how the romance authors make it seem.)

When the conversation happened, I was pretty sure I was there in stage 2, Finding What You Want. But I was thinking about the things I want and need in someone -- it's a long list and it seems like it would be impossible to fulfill. Maybe I need to go back to giving more people a chance?
But then I consider how miserable I was with most of the boys that I gave a shot to when I was definitely still trying to figure out what I wanted and remember why exactly I'm jaded and cynical and I think....maybe not.

I gotta refine that list though, that's for damn sure.

"I console myself that Hallmark cards are true, I really do..."

So, in first news: I have definitely only *just* gone back to see if I have any comments on any posts. I was delighted to find that I did -- which means I actually have readers! You're not just imaginary people! That has made my day in ways that you don't even know. So, I would like to thank Heather of Thoughts from the Void and Pete Ross, our very own Porn Rebel, for lighting up this dark and dreary day.

Now, I'm about to expose to you all just how incredibly jaded I am. This is something I usually try to keep hidden, but I tend to be highly distrustful of men. And, as per usual, when I let down that guard I have and actually date someone, it turns out I'm just being an idiot.
Now as some of you know, I've been a little more than unsure of my relationship (if you can call it that) with Boy-Anthony. I did, last night, confirm that I'm just second-guessing myself and I do actually like him. Unfortunately, this occurred because I was so upset with him.

You see, he had told me that he was going to go to a club, that he'd called off work, probably in Philly. That's fine. I had a birthday party I had to go to.
While I'm at the party, he calls and lets me know he's on my campus. I told him I wasn't on campus, but I would be back in a couple hours and I would call him. When I returned to campus I called him -- three times. He did not answer, he did not call back. So I just sort of chilled in my dorm room. I'm listening to (surprise, surprise) Savage Garden when suddenly I hear a knock on my door. Loud, frantic knocking. And then someone going "Graham, Graham!" So I stop the music, and open the door to find two of the guys on my floor -- both drunk, standing there.
"Anthony says it's over!" one of them says.
"Yeah, some guy said it."
"He said something about you don't know how to make a phone call. Or answer your phone!"
Okay, so I get that Boy-Anthony's probably shitfaced, but sending people up three flights of stairs to tell me this instead of doing it himself? That on its own would piss me off. But that lame excuse of phone calls too? Call me Livid.
So I called him, and he called back a few minutes later. No idea what the two guys were talking about. But then again, he can barely remember his own name, he's that drunk. He tells me to meet him at the diner with some of his friends.

I get to the diner, and I'm doing the good boyfriend thing. He couldn't read the menu, so I ordered for him -- exactly what he wanted (well, he didn't want the water I made him drink...). I helped him stand up when he didn't feel like sitting. I put up with him telling me to "Fuck off" over and over and over whenever I wanted him to sit down or drink his water.
And I'm not mad when he tells me he made out with a cute girl tonight, cause you know what? At least he's telling me. I agree with Darren Hayes, "I believe trust is more important than monogamy". When I mention that, Boy-Anthony also mentions "I might have done something with a boy tonight, but I don't remember." I'm still not mad, he's being honest.

And then he gets pissed at me. He gets mad at me because of two things: 1) I won't do anything with him while he's drunk. That's part of my rule, either both parties are sober or both parties are drunk when sexual acts occur. If both parties are drunk, then it's either something they both want or its a mutual not-thinking-straight. If both parties are sober, you know they both want it. There's no danger of taking advantage of someone.
2) He's mad because apparently he heard from two drunk people who don't even know me that I'm fucking some guy at my school. Which, I'm not. I don't even know who they're talking about. Then Boy-Anthony makes insinuations about myself and my friend Cody, who I *almost* dated at one point but we're both very much over each other. I was just like "Yeahno." But that pissed me off -- he's the one doing shit with other people, and he's pissed at me? He has that little trust in me? How can you date someone you have no trust for?

I told him I would call him today. I haven't. But I should. Probably now-ish.
But, hey, I've had a good rant.

Thanks again for the comments, they really did cheer me up! :)