"All I'm trying to do is modify my plan"

I have been so on edge all week. Probably because the week got off to an incredibly bad start -- a situation which I can't describe (yet) but basically anyone on my campus knows what I'm talking about because the grapevine there is incredible. Suffice to say, it's made me a little bit jumpy. A lot jumpy.

It also distracted me from my goal this week, which was to find out why I seem to be undateable. Of course, talking to my friends about that is worthless. They all seem to think I'm a catch -- but of course they do, I'm not interested in them. (Suddenly wondering if the best strategy for snagging a boyfriend is to date someone I absolutely couldn't care less about... :P)

But, yeah, this week has been chock-full of arguments and just general crap. With everybody. But there's not really anything substantial to write about at this point. Not much has improved since previous posts, cause things are actually staying at a status quo this week. (Weird for me, isn't it?) Unfortunatley, it's a very dramatic status quo. I'm sure I'll calm down in a few days or something, and hopefully that will ease everything up.
And if I haven't relaxed by Tuesday, the pain meds from my surgery will definitely help, I'm sure. I've never been so excited for Vicodin.

Because this post has been mostly...nothing....here's a meme! I stole it from Brad.

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. (Brad didn't tag, and neither will I. Shush, we're rebels.)

1) What was I doing 10 yrs ago?
I was being a pretty typical ten year-old, dealing with bullies in elementary school and being better at reading and writing than almost anyone else in my class.

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):
1. Shower
2. Eat
3. Take Juli tanning
4. Go to class/finish group project with Lauren and Katalina
5. Perform the Diary of Anne Frank

3) Snacks I enjoy:
Chips, sour gummy candy...almost any junk food.

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Pay off all of my and my parents' debt...and my brother too, come to think of it. By a really nice but not extravagant house (or two...or three), and a nightclub that I could be a silent partner in. (I think my twin Brendan would probably run it, he once told me he wanted to run a nightclub.)

5) Three of my bad habits:
1. Chewing my fingernails
2. Never shutting up (which is the current reigning theory for why I'm undateable, ps)
3. Not cleaning enough

6) 5 places I have lived:
1. Cranston, RI
2. South Kingstown, RI
3. Exeter, RI
4. Elizabethtown, PA
5. Mount Joy, PA

7) 5 jobs I have had:
1. Actor
2. Stage Manager
3. Go go boy
4. A&F Impact Team Member
5. A. Eagle Sales Associate

So, I'm not going to tag anyone but if you want to do it, go right ahead!

How well do you know yourself?

A conversation last night led me to start thinking about myself on a different, more introspective level than I usually do.

This friend of mine and I were discussing relationships (he said he was thinking he might look to settle down soon -- I still think it's gonna be a while before he settles down but what do I know? :P) We both agree that there's really three stages everyone has to go through:
-Dating Around -- this is where you have relationships where you don't necessarily fall in love (though you might) but you are dating more to learn what it is you are looking for in a person.
-Finding What You Want -- now that you've figured out what it is you want and need in a relationship, you have to find it. There's probably fewer relationships at this point, but they're much more serious and more likely than not you fall in love, even if it doesn't last for forever.
-Having What You Want -- this one....this is your most serious relationship, it's the one that will, unless something terrible (like death) happens, will last for the rest of your life. If you're able to have a relationship afterwards, there's a good solid chance you'll be back at square one, because nothing can compare. (Or at least, that's how the romance authors make it seem.)

When the conversation happened, I was pretty sure I was there in stage 2, Finding What You Want. But I was thinking about the things I want and need in someone -- it's a long list and it seems like it would be impossible to fulfill. Maybe I need to go back to giving more people a chance?
But then I consider how miserable I was with most of the boys that I gave a shot to when I was definitely still trying to figure out what I wanted and remember why exactly I'm jaded and cynical and I think....maybe not.

I gotta refine that list though, that's for damn sure.

"I only want to have a good time"

I really try not to make posts that have no pictures.
I also try not to swear copiously in any of my entries here.
Today, I have accepted the fact that I *must* break both of those rules in telling about my weekend.

As per usual, my weekend started Thursday. I had a date, with James. You may remember James from our very casual date before I went home for the holidays. So this was, in my estimation, a second date. I asked him out, and I paid for dinner...which had been a very nice dinner.
And that's when it started to become clear that he saw this as two friends hanging out.

He ended up coming to Club Apex in Washington D.C. with Brendan, Cody, Carl and I. I had invited him and was more than happy he was coming.
He spent almost none of the night with me. When we danced, he looked anywhere but at me and didn't touch me...he would usually brush my hand off of him in a very subtle manner if I put my hands on him.
I didn't get a good night kiss.
The worst part? I'm feeling like I was led on, but I'm not upset about it. I was so expecting to be screwed over again that I'm just like "Eh, time to move on."

Friday I was exhausted and didn't do anything. It was nice...a change of pace. But I was so tired I couldn't go to sleep until 5 in the morning.
I got a phone call at 7 in the morning. My friend Katie, a very close friend of mine who was abroad all last semester, needed help. Her boyfriend was incredibly sick and needed to be returned to campus -- which was fine, she would drive her car. The trick was getting her back to her off-campus housing.
Like the idiot or possibly the saint that I am, I got up, threw on clothes, ansd helped her out. Then she took me out to breakfast, and brought me to do the errands I had needed to do that day. I got back to my dorm at 10:40 -- 20 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. So I turned off the alarm and went to sleep. I woke up at 4 and got ready to go to work.

First of all, I woke up incredibly horny. I don't know why, since I'm very rarely horny and even more rarely THAT horny. So I was hoping to go to work at the club, and go home with somebody there.
Then my friend Karissa asked if she could come. I said okay. Then Cody needed a ride. I said okay. "I'll just get laid on Sunday," I figured, "But I can get someone's number tonight."

Tonight at work was one of those nights that makes me wonder why the hell I do that job. The utter BULLSHIT I have to put up with sometimes astounds me.
So, to start with, these two guys -- a couple -- showed up and announced they'd been hired to dance. No one who actually works there had ever seen them before, but you couldn't convince them that they weren't dancers there.
They weren't dancers. They were bitches. They began insutling another dancer there, calling him ugly (although, really, the bitchier of the two was not attractive at all, so seriously...) and insulting his friends. For no reason. Neither Chris (the other dancer) or any of the other dancers had said a word to them. They monopolized our space to dance in, too.

So, around 1:45, after making a mere $14 in tips (I was pissed about that too), I called it quits. I went to put on my clothes -- forgetting that (because I was wearing far skimpier underwear than usual) I'd worn my jeans into the DJ booth.
As I returned from the office to get my jeans, I was accosted by this 70 year old. The same one who had gotten into the passenger seat of my car? Yeah, him. Bald, nasty, full of himself, and drunk as shit. It took FOUR people as well as myself to get me away from him, and by that point? He'd not only copped a feel, he'd gotten in some hardcore fondeling. I felt so incredibly dirty and disgusting. But that's the job -- you have to put up with that shit. People are there to help, and they tried, but shit is gonna happen.

When I was back in office, clad in my jeans thankfully, I heard over the intercom a call "Security to the stage, security to the stage." One of the two bitches who thought they were dancers had punched a guy for pulling down his underwear.
Anyways, when I'm hearing him tell the story to the manager a bit later, I couldn't help myself. In a perfectly matter-of-fact, polite way I just said "Putting up with disrespect is part of the job."
He flipped the fuck out. "You're a fucking crackwhore!" he shouts, "Go smoke more crack." I was livid, but I behaved and said nothing else. My slenderness is mostly due to my Crohn's disease...do you make fun of chemo patients for being bald? NO! Get some fucking people skills, and get the fuck out of my club. Whores. I was SO PISSED.

In the meantime, Karissa finds me and tells me she's going home with somebody. She points out the guy. My eyes widened. I nodded, but I know I'm getting a call soon..."GRAHAM!! HOW COULD YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH THAT UGLY MOTHER FUCKER?!?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" It'll be my fault, but I'll still come pick her up.
Meanwhile, Cody had been dancing with this guy he's had a crush on for MONTHS. And then they started making out. I encouraged this...and Cody went home with his crush. We'll see what happens.
But basically, everybody got laid but me.

Although, I did get hit on by a friend of mine who is DEVESTATINGLY hot. I'll keep you posted on that.

Getting back on track...

With the holidays over, we're going to head back towards normalcy...and that means a Wednesday Random Picture!

I just shaved. Badly (I guess I'm out of practice.) But despite the cut on my face , and the fact that I kept having to go over areas a second, or sometimes third or fourth, time...my face is now cute, well-groomed Graham face again.

Just in time for my date with a boy I'm not interested in. We're going to see The Covenant tonight. Expect a review when I get back (because I'm not going back to his place.)
Er, a review of the movie...not of the date. (Unless you guys want one...?)

I just saw on MySpace a bulletin. I've seen it before, but really, it warrants discussing. It's that "What a Kiss Means" thing. We've all seen it, we all know it. So, the Italics is what the bulletin said, and the bold is what my own interpretation is.

*Kiss on the stomach-----"lets have sex"/"I have a thing for belly buttons."
*Kiss on the Forehead ----"Forever you will be mine"/"I care about you."
*Kiss on the Ear ---"I'm horny"/"I want to make you horny."
*Kiss on the Cheek ---"We're friends"
*Kiss on the Hand ---"I adore you"/"I'm trying to impress you, is it working?"
*Kiss on the Neck ---"We belong together"/"I want to make you horny."
*Kiss on the Shoulder ---"I want you"/"Keep taking off your clothes, I'm just getting started."
*Kiss on the Lips ---"I love you" OR "I want you"/"I like you." (At least I hope those are the meanings of it...)
*Holding Hands ---"We can learn to love each other"/"I don't want you to leave me."
*Slap on the Butt ---"That's mine"
*Playing with the Ear ---"I can't live without you"/"I've got a thing for ears..."
*Holding on tight ---"Don't let go"/"I'm gonna miss you when you're gone."
*Looking into each other's Eyes ---"Don't leave me"/"How do you feel about me?"
*Playing with Hair on Head ---"Tell me you love me"/"You're so cute when you're shorter than me."
*Arms around the Waist ---"I love you too much to let go"/"Mine mine mine mine."
*Laughing while Kissing ---"I am completely Comfortable with you"/"Something funny happened. Not you, I swear!"

There's some advice tacked onto the end of the bulletin as well, which I think bears repeating:

* Dont ask for a kiss, take one.