There's an energy washing chemically over me

This boyfriend thing is taking up a tons of time I could be devoting to blogging, so I want to apologize straight up for my neglect. I'm going to run a quick overview of things since I've been back from my road trip...

Saturday, July 5
I came home and Chris came and picked me up that night. We hung out for a while and then went out to Mirabar where I was hoping to run into my friends Billy and Jamie who were visiting from LA. I saw them, and we hung with them for a bit. Then Chris and I left early because I was really tired.

Sunday, July 6
Chris and I went down to Connecticut for a barbeque at my friend Doug's house. We left that early too, more because somebody who shall remain nameless was being a drunken asshole. Let's not discuss that, shall we?

Monday, July 7 - Friday, July 11
Typical week all around, but fun. Much time spent with boyfriend. Starting to sense a theme, are we? I worked Friday night at Dark Lady, it was really nerve-wracking being the first time I'd worked since the incident in the basement Pride. They were having a blackout underwear party which was lots of fun, except it was difficult to tell who was working and who was just naked -- especially since they had five of us on -- Adam, Jamal, Matt, myself, and new boy Tony.

Saturday, July 12
I took the night off of work because it was my dear friend Grace's birthday, and I D.Ded for her. It was good that I was not drinking, because technically alcohol is bad for me with the Crohn's and all and I really needed to step back from the celebrating my 21-ness to realize how much better I was feeling overall back when I was 20. Also celebrating with us that night was Naseer, another friend from high school; his boyfriend Paul; and yet another person from high school Brendan. (How many Brendan's can I possibly have in my life?)

Sunday, July 13
Grace's actual birthday, Chris and I joined her briefly for continued partying -- this time with Courtney, Kilian, and Tara Jane -- all of whom I fondly remember from high school but basically never see anymore. I know, bad friend. It was really nice to reconnect with all of them though. :)
(And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, a picture of Chris and I! Much anticipated, I'm sure. :P)

Monday, July 14
Chris' vacation week began on Monday, so we went to NYC. I know, NYC on a Monday....it seems peculiar. He told me we were going to have dinner and drinks with his mother. I was nervous to say the least, not to mention a lot surprised at how soon I was meeting his mother (a fact that would soon make me a complete hypocrite.) We stayed at the cutest bed & breakfast, called the 414. It's fairly near Time Square. Very centrally located.
After we checked in, we went to lunch at a cute little restaurant, where cute, enthusiastic people provided excellent service. It's too bad the food *sucked* because I really wanted to like the place. Anyways...while we ate, I proceeded to pick apart Chris about this dinner-with-mother thing, more than I already had that is. Turned out I wasn't meeting his mother -- he'd pulled strings and, in just two days, gotten tickets to see Spring Awakening!!!!!! Even though Jonathan Groff is no longer in the cast, it was just as amazing as I remembered it.

Tuesday, July 15
We came back from NYC and made it back JUST in time for my physical therapy appointment. They started me on heavy-duty strengthening excercises that left my arm exhausted and left me not feeling up to very much, so Chris and I headed back to my parents' house, where I am currently residing on the misguided theory that on a Tuesday afternoon nobody would home -- as this is often true.
Instead, everyone was frikkin' home. My brother, who doesn't even live here anymore, was there. Chris spent the rest of the day with me....and my family. Even when Dad took my brother, me, and Chris out for clam cakes. See how I'm a hypocrite? Cause I sure do. And so does Chris, as he will not let me live that down...

Wednesday, July 16
Chris and I hung out more, it being his week off. That night we brought my brother up to the train station, and then brought Topher to work, and then went out for fun at Mirabar. I met a couple of his friends, which was a nice change. :P
Unfortunately, we got into our first big fight when we left. I'm not going to air the details to everyone, especially since it's basically over and done with. If you really want to know, there are plenty of more private ways to get in touch with me, yes? Yes. And then you can blog about it all Gossip-Girl style -- cause we all know how I'd *love* to be in something tabloid-esque.

Thursday, July 17
Chris and I resolved our issues over Facebook. After watching Burn Notice with mom, I went up to Mirabar, where he was working, and Dark Lady to hang out. I got harrassed by a kid who lost Dark Lady's hot body contest and was not happy about it...I decided to be nice and not explain that he might have lost because of how he wasn't actually that hot. I know, normally I'm really honest but that's the sort of thing I like to sugarcoat, and there was just no way of doing that. He lost to a drag queen for crying out loud. (A hot drag queen, but still.) The other people who lost (some of whom were pretty good looking) weren't bothered by it.

Friday, July 18
I got a haircut. Then I worked at Dark Lady. Typical night, with four of us (Adam couldn't work). Drama happened, it didn't involve me. Chris and I went to breakfast afterwards.

Saturday, July 19
Chris and I had a really lazy Saturday, though we went up to the Natick Collection (that's the mall's real name apparently). Then it was Christmas in July. Which was looottttts of fun. Only Matt and I worked, but Jamal and Tony were there -- it was nice to have the added back-up. Cleaning up took til about 4:30 am though. Needless to say I was exhausted when I got to Chris' house. He hadn't had a good night either, though he'd gotten to see several of his friends from MA. So we slept, or tried to sleep, but with both of us being in bad moods at that point it just didn't work out well. So we were exhausted Sunday...

Sunday, July 20
...So we did a lot of sleeping. Or at least, I did, I don't really know what Chris did since I came home. Stayed home too!

Monday, July 21
Today was solidly productive, kind of. Dell is coming tomorrow to fix everything wrong with my computer. The warranty is done on August 18, and if I don't get it fixed I'm betting I'll need a new one about August 19.
Then, Chris and I met up and I brought him to Dark Lady as my date to the surprise birthday party of one of the owners. It was fun, although we left a bit early. I don't really like going out on Mondays, you know? Is that weird? Anyways...that brings us to now.

Tuesday, July 22
I'm going to try this sleeping thing again. I was trying early, it wasn't working out because I was thinking about how I hadn't blogged in forever. Now that I have, hopefully I'll sleep for a few hours before I have to get up to wait for the Dell guy. Then, I'll get to nap again before physical therapy. I hope.

PS Go back to a few of the recent previous posts, there's been new pictures added to some of them! (One of them includes Chris!)

"Why should I worry? Tell me, why should I care?"

Firstly, I apologize for the uber length of this post!

Okay, before I begin I have an anecdote to share. I slept in this morning, went down for breakfast/lunch/afternoon snack and mom comes in while I'm eating and goes "Hurry, you're going to be late!"
"For what?" I ask.
There's this pause. "I don't know, don't you have something to do today?"
"No..."
"Well, I know I don't. I know your father doesn't. Do you mean nobody's doing anything today?"
This is such a bizarre event that mom is like...I thought she was going to meltdown on me for a minute. And that pretty much sums up my family.

Anyways, this weekend started off special aside from Pride. Our cousins from the Carolinas came for a visit! We haven't seen them since our road trip down to them a few years back -- sophomore year of high school, I think. That's a Monday Memory (when I get back to doing those) for another time. Probably three or four Monday Memories actually.
But anyways, we didn't get see my favorite cousin, Ed, that trip because he's been in the Coast Guard for the past several years (we think it's been seven years, and we realized we hadn't seen him in 10 years). Ed's been my favorite cousin since the incident with the giant turtle, which is also a Monday Memory I'll have to share. Anyways, Ed is one of my heroes, for sure. We watched a video of a rescue he did this weekend that kind of cemented that feeling -- Ed did basically all the work. Here, watch this:
It's not as well-done as the video we saw but it's the same rescue. Ed is the one standing up in the rescue boat, doing *everything*.
So we spent Friday with the cousins, catching up on years that we've missed.

Saturday was Pride RI (or, the much-catchier name for it is Providence Pride, because it alliterates). It was in a new, smaller location which wasn't too much of a problem despite the fact that this was probably the biggest turnout Providence Pride has ever had. The fiascos going on with NYC Pride probably contributed to that.
I hung out with Joey, his ex-boyfriend Felix, and his friend Jesse all day because they were the first people I knew that I ran into. I saw a lot of people I knew though -- some of the Crockett Clan (who I went to high school with), Joey and Matt (two of Mirabar's shotboys), Justin, Preston, Bruno and Kenny (two of the strippers from XL and who were caught on film paying more attention to their adorable puppy than to me :-P), DJ (who I think recently quit from XL), Jason....I don't really know why I'm listing all these people. :-P

Anywho, Grace and Ryan and his friends Sam and Mike met up with us part way through and we kept adjourning to Joey's hotel room (to drink). Mike is pretty much awesome, and Sam is pretty fabulous too. I feel super bad because I have Mike's number so we could hang out next time he was in town, but I seem to have lost it. I'm dumb like that sometimes. Anywho...

So we watched some of the acts that were on the main stage...acts that included Frenchie Davis, Peppermint Gummybear, Colton Ford (who is STILL hot!!), and more! I was looking forward to Sean van der Wilt but, alas, he was cut from the lineup do to timing issues...and I'm sure he wasn't happy about it, because the crowd was amazing!
Colton Ford was pretty good, though at first he had the mic too close to his mouth.

We actually missed the parade because we went to get dinner and it took longer to find a place that didn't have a ridiculous line (hour 45 minute wait??? That was the shortest!) and then to eat, so we missed the parade. That was sad.
Then we went to Mirabar. And we stayed at Mirabar because....and this is said, I was gonna have to pay again in order to get in a second time. So...there was no trip to XL, there was no Roman Heart.
I'm not complaining though. Mirabar was amazing -- of course, the numerous other parties at the other clubs had to be just as good! Some of the headliners from the festival were performing there, including the fabulous Alyson whose performance really was great and you could tell she was having a good time, and Jenna Drey and others, all of whom were great! Jenna Drey is frequently on the CD for A&F so it was exciting but simultaneously nauseating just because I hear the songs so often. :-P
I also saw basically everyone at Mirabar.

Really it was two parties, too. The block party outside and the party inside, and everyone was going in and out but it was crowded! Fun though.
Part way through the night Brendan and Cody called me to discuss things about my upcoming birthday extravaganza, where they were coming up to party with me. There was gay drama, which would continue until the next day and lead to the party's cancellation. That's all I'm gonna say on that one, but it contributed to a funk I found myself in after Pride.
The other things that contributed? There was also drama between Joey and I, which I won't get into too much but it ended in, basically, him making a whole bunch of "if we're gonna work, this is what you need to do" demands -- not like to make up for anything I did because he definitely was the one who'd screwed up, but somehow it turned around to I was the one who needed to change for him. And I'm pretty sure I'm cool with A) that little about-face in who's the screw up, or B) the fact that he wants me to change for him before we've even been on a second date. Cause, apparently I'm not good enough as-is?
Then I ran into Jonathon, who got pretty shitfaced, so I helped him get to his car at the end of the night. On the way, we stopped by Energy, which was still open. And who to my wondering eyes should appear? Kyle and Dom -- who had both moved to Florida and I hadn't seen since January!! So that was exciting.
After that, as we went to my car so I could give Jon and "his driver" a ride to their car, he decided (because he's an honest drunk) to regale me with all the reasons we can't date. Or even try to date. Or in fact, do anything more than what we have been doing, which is hang out like friends and then make out just enough to get us (or at least me) riled up and then leave before anything happens.
So I was in a serious funk. Or a "gunk" as they would say on Kyle XY. ("He's in a gunk." "What's that?" "A guy funk." "So what do they call a girl funk?" "Redundant.")

Monday I went out to get a job at Dark Lady. Except, in my funk, I couldn't bring myself to ask without moral support. So I ended up at Energy...which added to my funk. Two guys I had previously liked were there, neither one into me and one of them there with someone else. Ordinarily this wouldn't bother me at all, but, hey, funk!
So when I was introduced to my friend Josh's friend Neil, who was gorgeous and flirty, well...it helped a lot. So, I'm starting to come out of the funk now.

Tuesday was full of little things: new manager at A&F who seems pretty nice, movie night at Justin's, Jonathon called me again (and again today, I don't think he remembers what he said), and, oh, I think I blew the Italian oral exam out of the water.
That's right, this is my last week of class!!

Oh, and for people wondering what's going on with Club XS these days...my friend Jenny just put up this video of their latest amateur drag contest! Cody tells me my ex-boyfriend has been showing up to participate in them lately. You'd think he'd have gotten the hint: you've been doing drag for years and never gotten better than runner-up....they're trying to tell you something.

NOTE: There will be more pictures, I just have to ask my friends if they mind showing up on my blog is all.

"Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other"

So, last night was good. Went out to Energy, and ran into various people. Big Bill and Chris, finally, so that was terrific! I also saw that friend of mine who was the cause of that traumatic night at school and is the reason 911 is so impressive to me now. He's doing really well, he's all excited because apparently he's going to be a father in eight months.

After that a large group of us headed over to Mirabar. It was fun, but nothing eventful happened to write about, so that's all I have to say on that.

I woke up early this morning to help mom with this yard sale project she's been working and working and working and working on. I helped her sell things. Outside. In the rain and disgusting weather we were having. We did make money...some money. $23. Woo.

So I'm late to work at A&F because of this. I get there, soaking wet, sopping even. Couldn't even see on the drive there, it was raining that hard. Oh, and the thunder lightning started about then too. So I put it another five hours working there, and it was BUSY! And I was on the floor. I hate being on the floor when it's busy. The manager who was on for most of my shift didn't seem to be in the best mood, and neither was I...so that was not good.

So basically, I did retail for ten hours today. But only am getting paid for five.
The good news? We have our June CD. And it is AMAZING. I think it's the best since I started working for the company. It features the typical techno that we all know, but it also has some remixes of Top 40 songs you can hear on the radio so that's great. Also, it's really long, which is so so so nice.

So I came home, exhausted, hungry (as I hadn't eaten since that morning). And spent the rest of the night home, bored, because I was supposed to hang out with Jon and Grace. Grace had to work, and Jon forgot to call me before he headed to Mirabar. He was also supposed to call me on his way back from Mirabar but since they closed an hour ago, I would imagine that's not happening either.
He says his type is usually masculine guys, which I'm not. So there's this paranoid part of me that is wondering if that has anything to do with his forgotten calls, his impossible-to-reach-ness.

*sigh* I'm just tired of setting aside time for people and having everything fall through. I'm tired of being stood up, I'm tired of being used, I'm tired of games...
And I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of ridiculous gas prices. I'm tired of this building I'm living in (my parents' house). I'm tired of not cuddling (because Ryan reminded me how much I love doing that shortly before that all went to cold-shoulder-land).

Oh, and how about, Joey's being all "I have a lot on my mind" and not talkative all of a sudden. So I think I just went from three choices back to none. I don't get it; I'm young, cute and charming, shouldn't I have my pick?

Bah. I don't want to be here right now, but I don't want to go back to Pennsylvania either. This is lame.

I'm in such a bad mood, I hate when I get like this.

I can't get no satisfaction

I think I'm going to redo my tags in a style more like ExNavyMike's. This whole vague categorizing thing isn't working for me anymore. I'm never satisfied with this blog.

Plus, mom has my car and I'm bored.

That all said, as always, if you have any suggestions for me, let me hear 'em! (PS I'm saving up for a camera next, so that'll mean more pictures, faster!)

Oh! I have a meme to do, from Sue! I forgot about it!

PART 1: ON THE OUTSIDE
Me: Amazing
Date of birth: June 23 (it's coming up, guys, better get shopping!! :P)
Current status: Chronically Single
Eye color: blue like the Caribbean sea
Hair color: dirty blond--but with summer it'll lighten up so it's almost blond-blond
Right or left handed: ambidextrous (one of the many things that make me *quite* interesting to watch -- which hand will he use next? :P)
Zodiac: Cancer
PART 2: ON THE INSIDE
My heritage: English with teensy bits of German and Scottish and possibly Welsh
My fear: answering machines. Dead serious. Not voice mails though.
My weakness: green eyes
My perfect pizza: white pizza with chicken, brocolli, and bacon
PART 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW
Your first thought waking up: Noooooooooooooooo
Tomorrow: we celebrate my brother's birthday
Your bedtime: when I feel like it
Most missed memory: I don't know, I cherish all my memories but I don't really miss them
PART 4: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Coke. Pepsi has citric acid, which is bad for me, and Coke does not. Plus, I have stock in Coca-Cola.
McD or Burger King: Wendy's. I'm an investor. ;)
Single or group dates: At this point, I'm not picky, I just want dates. :P
Adidas or Nike: What is Champion? Aren't they a knock-off of one of those brands? I don't know anything about shoes.
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Neither.
Chocolate or vanilla: Both. At the same time.
Cappuccino or coffee: Mocha latte.
PART 5: DO YOU...?
Smoke: No.
Curse: All the time!
PART 6: IN THE PAST MONTH, HAVE YOU...?
Drunk alcohol: TGIS was less than a month ago, wasn't it?
Gone to the mall: Yes, of course!
Been on stage: Sadly, no
Eaten sushi: Nope
PART 7: WHAT WERE YOU DOING...?
1 minute ago: This
1 hour ago: Eating and watching Judging Amy on TNT.
4 1/2 hours ago: Sleeping
1 month ago: Schoolwork, no doubt
1 year ago: I don't frikkin' remember a year ago.
PART 8: FINISH THE SENTENCE
I love: my life.
I feel: bored.
I hate: when things like the garage door break and mom needs to take my car.
I hide: very little.
I miss: my friends in PA.
I need: moneys!

PS: I'm good at hitting penguins. My top distance is 264.9. Thanks for that gem of a boredom-killer Fergie.

"Another Ray of Sunshine..."

So, I'm sick.

But I haven't let that hold me back.

I had been in denial over my being sick for several days -- "allergies" I told everyone. Last night, when the fever started, it became an unavoidable fact. I'm sick, again.

Of course, the fever started while I was driving to Stallions to say bye to my friends who work at that club. Too late to change my plans now, I reasoned. So I stayed at Stallions for a while, then I headed out to Club XS to say bye to everyone. By the time I got to XS I was so sick I basically passed out on a couch in one of the little private rooms. Most people found me, some people didn't, which was fine. I left early and passed out in my bed in the dorm for a little under twelve hours. When I woke up, I was drenched in sweat.

I started packing, then I headed over to the apartment to do some more painting and moving stuff. Katie is going to be gone for a few days, so I was trying to get as much done for her as I could. In my sick state, I didn't end up getting as much done as I had hoped.

I am now finishing up packing. My plan is to be all packed when the parents (and my brother who is coming after all, although we didn't think he'd be able to) get here. I'll take them over to the apartment, we'll throw some more stuff in (and steal the Swiffer), and then we'll come back to the dorm, pack up the cars, Swiffer the floor, and be gone (although we will have to stop by the apartment again, I'm realizing, if we borrow the Swiffer).

Mom wants to visit Chocolate World, which while I'm not opposed to that, I'd really like to just go and get home to Rhode Island as soon as possible, you know? And I'm not sure how to get to Chocolate World anyways.

Monday Memories: Closets are for Clothes

In honor of my friend Johnna's friend, the Mad Brown Samosa, who just came out and is having kind of a rough time of it...I'm going to share my coming out story. Those of you who are 'mos and are out are welcome and even encouraged to share your coming out stories in the comments. Those of you who are not are welcome and encouraged to comment as well, because comments make me happy.

I had been "questioning" (GLBTQ) for a few months, and I had started dating my first boyfriend. My parents knew none of this, since I was starting college. I decided I had to come out to them, for my boyfriend's sake.
I went home for Thanksgiving break, determined that I would do it in person. I went home with resolve. I knew I couldn't do it at Thanksgiving dinner -- how melodramatic! So I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And stayed up the last night of that break to write a very nice letter about how appreciative I was of college. I threw in "And I've discovered that I'm attracted to men!" in there, and then continued going on and on about how much I love college. I left it on a table as I ran out the door to get the train station. Totally chickened out of that one.

I am on the train from Philly to school, when my cell phone rings. I look at the Caller ID.

"Home" it says ominously. I swallowed hard and answered.

"Hello?" I said in my best innocent voice.

"Hi Gray!" Mom said -- Gray is my family's nickname for me, no one else uses it nor is anyone else allowed to. I won't answer, I promise you. "I got your note!"

"Oh," I said.

"And I showed it to your dad."

"Oh."

"And your grandmother."

"Oh, what did she say?"

"Well, none of us were surprised."

Thanks, ma. Nobody coulda clued me in??? I am always the last to know these things, right?

So we started to discuss everyone's reactions. "I'm okay," she said, "But I'm sad because it's so much harder for people who aren't straight to lead happy lives."
Way to slap me in the face, Ma.

"Your dad said he was okay with it, but...."

It's at this point that I remember something: Dad may be an actor but he's also a Republican. We don't discuss politics in my family for this exact reason, and that lack of discussion is what made me forget!

"...but, he says he doesn't agree with it, politically."

I kind of exploded. On the one hand, Dad had correctly figured out that this hadn't changed anything -- I still didn't want to have kids and I still wanted to get married. On the other hand, Dad had also realized his political party didn't support me -- and he was choosing them. "But it's not a political issue when your son is--" I stopped. I was on a train and I seriously didn't want to get lynched.

Mom interrupted me though, so it was okay. "And I showed your letter your grandmother."

"And...?"

"Oh, she wasn't surprised."

I have this image of my grandmother reading it and going "Yeah, and...?" This is the woman who saw my "An awkward meaning beats a boring night" shirt and giggling and nodding. Nothing phases her, I'm not even kidding. So I reply, "Good. Okay."

"Your father and I started talking about the gay people that we know," Mom continues. She starts to describe how she and my dad were, basically, arguing over who knew more gay people and whether or not the gay people they knew were happy. My parents frequently disagree but I have never really seen them argue, so this really got me spooked.

All in all though, my coming out was a pretty decent experience. I'm one of the lucky ones.

Monday Memory!

So, I decided to eff the whole inspiration thing. I'll post inspirational images when I feel like it -- which is very rarely on a Monday. :-P

Instead, we're going to take a trip down memory lane every Monday.

Today I have a funny memory that I was thinking about yesterday. It's a story that will never die in my family. It's the story of my father the cheese filled sausages.

My mother is, basically, handicapped. She is allergic to bottom-feeding shellfish (like clams, so why she lives in Rhode Island is beyond me), wheat, and corn. That means she can eat basically...well, nothing. Nothing normal anyways.
Occassionally her work as an author takes her abroad. This was much more common when I was younger (which, if you think about it, is kind of backwards, but whatever). Every time she left for a business trip it meant the boys could eat anything and everything we wanted (something else that is no longer true). We bought it all. Hamburger Helper, pies, junk food, total crap.

One time during one of our "Mom's away so the boys will play", my father stumbled upon cheese-filled sausages. Now, logically, we thought, those should be good. You have sausages at breakfast, and cheese can also be a breakfast food. So, neither my brother or I opposed dad's decision to buy these sausages. Of course, I was like six and Matt is only five years older than me so it's not like he'd have listened anyways.
The next morning, dad excitedly cooked our breakfast of cheese-filled sausages. Matt and I sat at the table and waited. We were eager, although we won't admit it if you ask us face-to-face now. Dad brought over a steaming platter of delicious looking sausages and we all got our first serving. Then we took our first bites....

...and lined up at the kitchen sink to spit them out. To this day, the cheese-filled sausages are the most revolting items I have ever placed in my mouth. I promise you, the time I ate wax (another story, not worth telling :-P) was more enjoyable.
But, McDonald's breakfast sandwich never tasted so good as they did that morning.

"Tell me what you like..."

So, right now I am on hold with my doctor's scheduling office and they have a voice over that is SO bland talking about all kinds of medical stuff, and it's just really funny. I want to call this place and be on hold more often.

Anyways, I'd been having a good day and then I called mom and she went all parental, and we argued, and it pretty much killed the day...except for this whole being on hold thing which is HYSTERICAL. It's telling me all about how their students practice colonoscopies on life-like models right now. Okay, breathe, Graham, breathe. Wow.

As I was saying, don't really have anything to report today. So here's what I want to discuss: crushes.
Yeah, we all have them. Sometimes they pan out into something bigger, but most of the time (for me anyways) it's just a little teeny thing that's ignorable. Sometimes you can tell ahead of time when they aren't going to turn into anything (story of my life :-P).
It's interesting, crushes can be purely lusty, based solely on looks, or sometimes based on personality, most of the time some of both. You can have crushes on people you know, people you blog with online (that's new for me, but whoa! turns out it does happen!), celebrities...anyone. No way to tell who you'll fall victim to next. What is a tendency you've noticed in most of the people you crush on? A certain age, a certain way of speaking, a certain look?

For me, it's a certain level of confidence that tends to get me going. Insecure people turn me off completely. Also, an attractive face will trump absolutely anything else.

So what is everyone's most impossible crush story? That crush you didn't have a chance with. Did you go for it anyways? Did someone else ruin it for you?
Likewise, what is your most successful crush story? How did you meet? How long did you last? Did you think it was one of those times when you didn't stand a chance? This is the juicy stuff, and I want all the dirt!

My answer to "most impossible crush" is going to throw you all for a loop because I'm not entirely gay, you see. And my most impossible crush was on a girl, in high school. As pathetic as this is, I liked her for almost three years: freshman year, sophomore year, and most of junior year. She is still, to this day, the most talented female I have ever been on stage with and she is the epitome of a triple threat: she sings, dances, and acts superbly.
But, of course, she wouldn't give me the time of day when we weren't working together on a show. Sooooo, that went nowhere.

My most successful crush? I dunno if we can call any of them "successes" at this point. I guess I'll get back to ya'll on that one. :-P

Those of you in successful long term relationships are NOT off the hook, by the way. Those started off as crushes, so I expect to hear from you too!

"All are tales of human failing..."

So, I'm doing the audition tomorrow, because it is two days. I feel I can be better prepared tomorrow, although as it turns out it is primarily a modeling audition. I don't think I will get job, but I will get to meet two casting directors and that is my primary objective right now. Networking, people, networking!

Today I brought my car into the repair shop for a "tear down". I still feel as though this guy is trying to rip me off somehow, and I've talked to the insurance guy about it and basically what I got was "I want to close this file as quickly as possible." I am petrified they will decide the car is totalled, and I don't know what I will do then.
It was not comforting to see a parking lot full of partial cars. And I do mean partial -- most of the cars were really more like 2/3 of a car, some more like half.

I've talked to my mom several times today. She tried to assuage my fears over the car, but it didn't really work. She doesn't know what I'll do without one, but she said I should try to talk to the insurance guy about fixing it even if it's totalled. Obviously that will work cause he's listened to all my other suggestions so much. *eye roll*
Awkwardly enough, we discussed modeling at which point I had a realization. Mom knows I'm doing some kind of modeling, and I suspect it's my dancing (or at least my dancing over the summer) that she's aware of. See, we had a conversation much like this:
Mom: "Well, you do have some modeling experience. I don't know if you should mention it, though."
Me: "Huh?"
Mom: "It might not be the kind of experience they're looking for."
Me: (as the dim bulb brightens) "Oh! No, I expect not."
This is so like my family. My mother is overprotective to an extreme sometimes, but then she's totally relaxed and chill about the most random things. You bet your ass I'd flip a shit if I found out my child was go-go dancing, even if there wasn't anything I could do about it. Oh well, I count that as one of the reasons I love my family so much -- we're absolutely nutters.

I also went out with Katie, one of my absolute best friends. She was my driver from the car place today, and we stopped to do some of her errands along the way. We ended our visit with a conversation that was awkward, but that I think brought us closer together.
Katie: "I really need to pee. I haven't peed since this morning."
Me: "I love a good, morning pee."
Katie: "Me too. But I really hate middle of the night pees."
Me: "I know, right?"
(Beat, as what just happened sinks in)
Katie: "Did that just happen?"
Me: "Yeah. That was kinda weird."
Katie: "Little awkward. I'm glad it wasn't just me."
I don't know how or why it happened, but I figured I had to share it with all of you.

"Come on before we crack!"

So, I was supposed to go out tonight. Well, I hadn't really told anyone except myself, but still.

Unfortunately, I've been distracted, it started to rain, and now I just can't get the motivation to leave my bedroom. Except, I might go to the kitchen to eat something in a little bit.

Anyways, I was going to talk about something today, but I can no longer recall what it was. This is not a good day for me thinking-wise either, but being that I'm on vacation I can hardly not blog today, I have no excuse not to!

Today was nice. Mom woke me up (she always does, I can't stand it...I'm on vacation, it's my perogative if I want to sleep all day!) and then I had breakfast and took my grandmother out. We went to this quaint little bakery (part of chain, as it turns out) and we each bought a dessert. I got a cannoli (explaining the picture above) and she got an eccles cake (that's below) I paid, as it is her birthday tomorrow. Then she and I went grocery shopping.

As someone who works in retail, and has been having a miserable past couple of days doing so, it's quite incredible the shift in personality here. People are jerks when buying gifts, but cheery, joyful, and kind when they are shopping for food, for a celebration. It's incredible. Why can't people have that mood all of the time? Life would be so much better.

I was going to have a whole discussion on that, but I am so unmotivated to put any energy into anything right now. Ew, I hate when I feel like this. I'm gonna go on a scavenger hunt to find my motivation. I should never have let it out of its cage. :-P

A little geekery for ya...today, I canceled my subscription to The Sims Online. I haven't played it in forever, though I had the best times when I used to. No one I played with has played it in at least a year, it's been months since the last update, and there's not even a development team anymore just a development guy. Poor, lonely dev. guy. Anyways, that was very sad too, marking the end of an era, but it needed to be done.

Pretty Person of the Week!! (WARNING: there is also a rant)

This is a good day for it to be Thursday.
You see, Tuesday I had an...encounter with Boy-Craig. I won't give you the details, but let's just leave it at: I'm freaking horny since then. I'm not sure if any of you particularly wanted to know that, but you'll just have to deal. :P
But it's okay. Thursday is after all our day for our Pretty Person of the Week. And today, I am pulling out someone I have been saving for a special occassion. One of the absolute hottest men who hasn't been featured yet....Channing Tatum!

He, like my very first Pretty Person Jim Verraros, is some that I hope to at the very least make out with when I make it to Hollywood. Although, if things don't work out with Jim, Channing could be a future husband too. He is bisexual after all. :P

Channing is one of the few guys who I think can pull off almost any hairstyle. I don't think he could long face-framing hair, but otherwise...look at him, shaved head, full head of hair...he's still gorgeous.
















He's a model, obviously, but he's a model who has successfully and terrifically moved into the acting world. He played heartthrob Duke Orsino in She's the Man, and the sultry stud Tyler Gage in Step Up (which I still need to see). He's appeared on CSI: Miami (which, granted, not a testament to anyone's acting skills...) and if you look you can even spot him in Crazy Tom's (Tom Cruise's, that is) movie War of the Worlds, as the Boy in the church scene. I'm telling you that info so you know that you can skip the rest of the movie and just watch the one scene. He's also got a role in a movie that's come out since Step Up, but that I've never heard of, called A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. He's also going to be in two upcoming movies slated for 2007: The Battle in Seattle, and an untitled Kimberly Peirce project. Make sure you catch both of those -- you wouldn't want to miss a single dose of Channing, would ya?
So, in not so good news, I have been home for almost a week and I can't stand being in this house. We moved to this god-forsaken building shortly before I left for school -- so obviously, I didn't get much say in what house we moved into. It had everything my father wanted, it had everything my grandmother needed...so mom settled for it, and I have to deal.
But I can't stand it. I absolutely loathe this house with every fiber of my being. This house depresses me, which I know sounds silly but it's true that certain buildings can affect your mood and there's nothing positive about this building's effect on me. I've expressed this dislike to both of my parents, and the response is pretty much "suck it up". I don't even enjoy celebrating in this house. I know I have to be here for Christmas, but mom and dad are going to want me to celebrate News Year's with them. Here's my resolution for that: I'll celebrate New Year's with the family if the family moves.
I can't stand spending a single night in this house as it is, let alone one where I'm expected to be cheerful and happy with the family. Speaking of which, apparently I'm stuck here tonight even though I'm not working tomorrow. This is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard of.

Anyways, to get on a happier topic...here's more Channing.Oh my, Channing, what a big gun you have. ;-)

"The 50,000 dollars you stole from her!"

I have a secret now.

Okay, technically, there's a few. Not one person knows them all, but they've all been shared with my confidants. This one I've only told a couple people out of that select few.

But this one is big, and scary, so I'm gonna write about it here.

To start with, I should not have called my mother yesterday. I love her to death, and she used to be great when I was sick (I had an awful cold yesterday) -- but she used to be taking care of me, not just talking. When mom just talks, it's usually a mood-killer because as much as she professes that she is a realist...she's a pessimist. Particularly when finances are concerned.

Now, I'd also like to point out that my doctors have told her on numerous occassions not to discuss finances with me unless the news is good, because they noted (correctly) that I will always feel guilty (because it's my medical problems that cost our family the most), and will always worry, and will always stress myself out over them, which then increases my chances of having my Crohn's disease flare up again.
Does my mother listen? No.

So, now, after talking to mom yesterday, not only am I trying to think of when I could fit in doing the modeling offers I've received...but I'm concerned that I may be heading for a Crohn's flare up. I've not been taking care of myself as much as I should -- I've been too busy making money and trying not to fail classes.
Despite that, mom says it looks like I'm going to need to transfer somewhere closer to home and cheaper -- in other words, the school I desperately did not want to go to that is a mile away from the house I grew up in.

And I can't help hold this against my brother somehow. He's got to go to the school he chose, without hospitalizations and fate stepping in, for all four years -- and I'm stuck in Bumfuck, PA making a great turn out of settling for less. But I don't even get the chance to settle for less for four years -- I have to settle for less for two and then settle for even less for two more!
And that tour of Europe mom and dad sent him on for graduation and promised I would also get? Yeah, that's not happening.
And I probably wouldn't be so pissed at him about this if he wasn't wasting his degree and, as far as I'm concerned, his life. Whereas, I have every intention of using my degree and actually being an actor. I've even planned out (tentatively, of course) with some friends a post-graduation move to NYC. Of course, that did involve borrowing some parental money to get us started so that probably won't happen either.

I've never known a more frightening set of letters than the abbreviation for that God damned school in Rhode Island. The only thing I can think to do to make more money is to try to fit the skeevy offers I occassionally get on sites like MySpace for modeling...and porn. Nothing against porn, but it's not something I think I could or should do. I've seen the controversy when reality TV stars turn out to have been porn stars -- imagine trying to be a movie star or a Broadway performer with that history. I don't think the media circus would be a pretty sight.
And did I mention that the offers usually seem really skeevy?

I could take out more in student loans, but that's just putting off the immense amounts of debt until I'm struggling to make it in the real world.
Moving off campus next year might help, and Cody, David, Josh, and I had all been discussing getting an apartment together.
Perhaps I can get some help from Brendan, although I'd rather not...maybe the club would be able to help me out somehow too.
I bet if I talk to Jason he'll have some ideas too.
When I go home, I can investigate...I had heard from my boss's rich friend (who was going to help next year but now that he's gone missing or whatever) that Rhode Island offers a lot of little-known-about financial help for education and that it's not something you need to pay back. I don't know how reliable he was, but we'll find out.