Birthdays abound!

I have celebrated so much birthdays lately! It's making me even more excited for mine!

Amanda's birthday was Friday so we went out to XS on Thursday and went down to Town on Friday to celebrate. Amanda, Jeff, Cody, Michael, and I went down to DC with Brendan. Coincidentally, my friend Aaron has been celebrating his birthday as well (which was Wednesday) in the same locations. To surprise Amanda, Brighid and Tyler came down to DC. She loved it. (I'll let you all imagine the things going on in my head.) Town was actually really awkward and uncomfortable for me until I decided to bail on the people I came with and hang out almost exclusively with Alphonso. I guess I should have taken three Percocets instead of just two. (The third one for the high and not the pain relief -- although I got jostled a lot and that was not fun either.)

So, this week has been overall, quite enjoyable because, honestly, karma's a raging bitch on PMS and she is kicking everybody's asses. I know it's sick, but I love it. There's been several examples of this, most of which I'm not going to get into because I know that won't end well.

First -- and probably my favorite -- who remembers Anthony? My ex who cheated on me, on my campus after just a couple weeks? Saw him -- didn't recognize him, he looks reminiscent of a hobo at the moment -- and he proceeded to tell me, as if I would be sympathetic, that his ex cheated on him. With a girl. Actually, the situation it seems was very Kat-esque in that the girl was in the picture the whole time, and Anthony was unknowingly the "other man".
Love. My. Life.

There is another karmic incident that you will no doubt be interested in, but at present I can't.

My least favorite of these incidents is actually a realization that I totally had my own karmic kickback (that doesn't seem to be over yet). I'm not going to get into too much, because the boy in question does read this blog. (Or did...given his (what I've interpreted as) distant and strange behavior over the past couple days, I'm not going to make any attempts to predict anything he does.) Suffice to say, I was an asshole and I had the whole thing with Michael coming to me, totally earned. Not sure I've earned all of the treatment I've been getting but...oh well. I've been told by multiple people I just need to let "it" blow over for a few days. No clue was "it" is, of course. And I'd rather have "it" get talked about than have "it" lying under the surface of our friendship waiting for an opportunity to boil to the surface and cause even more trouble later.

Now, for the final point of this entry...Jeff, Adam Brody is this guy:And whether or not you agree with me, you definitely look like the love child of Adam Brody and Orlando Bloom.

Thank Goodness I'm Scandalous

So The Diary of Anne Frank is over. It went extremely well.

It was followed almost immediately by my elbow surgery. At some point, I'm sure I'll be glad I opted for getting my arthritis dealt with. Right now...not so much. I'm in agony, I feel totally useless and while everyone's been super sympathetic, I wish I had a little more company when I'm just stuck in my apartment. Phone calls at the very least.
Anyhow....I've been glad because I've been extremely high on Percocet.
Amanda moved in for my recovery period. She's been great taking care of me, but I'm totally wearing on her by taking up so much of her time.

Tuesday I think I was at my highest. At one point, I was out on this grassy part of our campus we call the Dell, and I was being totally loud and obnoxious. While I was out there, I saw this boy who is totally beautiful. I mean, I'd seen him before (many, many times), but that's not the point. The point is, I was (am) high as a kite on pain meds.
So an hour later, I'm on Facebook being nostalgic and adding people from my high school, some of whom I never liked or even spoke to (I blame the meds) when this boy appears on that new "People You May Know" thing which has yet to show me anyone I would actually want to add for any reason. (Of course, as I say that, I switch over to Facebook and see someone I do know in that very same box...) Anyways, of course I decide to send him a message. Here's the message:

I just randomly saw your Facebook and thought I'd say hi since I just saw you out on the Dell. I probably wouldn't normally do this, but I'm totally high on pain meds and I'm really bored right now, so I'm kinda like "whatever" but this'll probably be one of those "seemed like a good idea at the time" decisions. Oh well.
So...hi! Hope I wasn't too obnoxious on the Dell for you and your friends!

Naturally, he didn't answer. So, of course, as predicted, I realized that was, honestly, stupid. I've spent much of the week panicking about he and his friends' reactions and trying to go up to him and apologize.
I realized last night that I should just let it go, so I have. Now it's just a funny story about me being high on Percocet.

We started physical therapy on Thursday...it sucked. A lot.
Also Thursday, Amanda's friend from MA Corey came for a visit. He's been talking to Tyler in a romantic sense, so he came to visit both of them (cause ain't nobody coming to Amish country from New England to visit one person). Corey was here all weekend (mostly with Tyler, though, actually). He came with me to see some staged readings on Thursday though, which was good because going to shows alone is kind of lame and it's also kind of scary to be a cripple and be all alone.

Friday was Day of Silence. I've never failed before, but....this year, I found myself alone and in desperate need of Percacet, and I can't medicate myself because I can't open anything. So, I had to speak.
I also realized I was going to run out of Percacet over the weekend, so I called the doctor. Of course, it's a Friday night and he's gone for the weekend so I get stuck with the bitchy and stupid nurse who tells me she will get me a pain medicine. She also makes an appointment to get my stitches out (and tells me quite firmly that I have only the one option).
So they call me an hour later to tell me my prescription has been sent out. My prescription for Vicodin. Now before you druggies get all excited, let's compared Percacet and Vicodin -- which I didn't do until today, actually.
Percacet is an upper. Vicodin is a downer.
Percacet is much stronger than Vicodin so...Vicodin only dulls the pain, Percacet gets rid of it.
Not so thrilled about this change in medication.

Anyways, this weekend was TGIS at our campus. That stands for Thank Goodness It's Spring -- at least, officially it does. Depending who you ask, it can also mean "Thank God I'm Smashed", "Thank God I'm Slutty" or -- in the case of the shirts a number of us got -- "Tanked. Gone. Intoxicated. Smashed." The school plans all kinds of activities and the students plan all kinds of parties. It is the most social weekend of the year, and the purpose of it -- in my opinion -- is to make new friends. I consider TGIS a total failure if I am not adding at least five people I met that weekend on Facebook afterwards.
I knew I wouldn't be able to drink, with my medication and all, so I was just...y'know, flying high all weekend. I let Amanda go do her own thing as much as she wanted, and I agreed to stay on campus, on her floor on Friday night.

So, Friday, after the comedy improv show that a bunch of us went to, I met up with Elissa and we went partying. (At the party we went to, btw, the gorgeous guy from my previous embarrassing story was there.) Elissa had been abroad ALL semester so it was great seeing her again. I met two of Elissa's best friends as well as one of their boyfriends and this gorgeous straight guy who, technically, I'd met before briefly -- he'd taught me about these delicious orange gummy candies.
Saturday was the TGIS carnival, which we went to for food. (Everyone goes, seriously.) Brighid's cousin came, she's fabulous, we hung out with her. Then we went to a baseball game which was fun til it started to rain. We had to flee from the water, because my stitches can't get wet. The most gorgeous couple I ever saw helped me get Amanda's jacket on. I didn't catch their names from them, but from others I've gathered that their names are Heather and Charlie. They're both completely beautiful and as far as I'm concerned, total saints. Seriously, if I was a sculptor and I had two arms, I'd make a statue of them and call it "Peter Wishes He was This Kickass Holy".
Saturday night, I went to hang out with the straight boys. There was not much going on, but we all hung out and as usual, I had a blast. Honestly, that whole group of people (not just the boys though, the girls in the group as well) are my favorite people to hang out with. So Amanda and I were with them all night and had a blast. I met a couple new guys to adore in the same sort of way that I adore like Jake and Andrew and Ryan and both Mikes (etc). I felt bad though, because I kept calling Bridger before we got there, and then I got so overwhelmed, I never actually saw him.
Afterwards, Amanda and I hit up the TGIS dance. It was a BLAST. After a while, I found a good place where people hardly ever bumped into me and danced there with Ashton, cause she was the one around and I'd decided other places on the floor were dangerous so I opted out of bringing my other friends to me there. I still got bumped like twice, but far less than before.
Ashton was amazed that I could dance the way I was, with only one arm (my arm has to be in a sling when I'm in public, you see) but it made me realize: going clubbing like that will not be so bad cause I still have all my moves -- just without my left arm.

Anyways, that was my weekend. Today's been dull -- except for the never ending pain in my elbow that the Vicodin can't get rid of. There was actually a fair amount of drama this weekend too, but I've been high and didn't really notice most of it. I guess it must not have had to do with me and/or been that important.

The things you say....you're unbelievable

Well, the boy drama has finally come to a head and is absolutely, for real, finally finished now. I'm going to write all about it -- from my perspective of course (and those involved are more than welcome to leave comments with their versions written out should they so choose). I realize this is the sort of post that tends to get me in trouble with people, but you know what? I officially don't care. :)

Last night, Tyler and I had a long conversation because I had been hearing things that went absolutely against the things he had been telling me about the whole situation that had arisen around Michael. He had been assuring me that he and Michael would just be friends, and I was hearing from multiple sources that he kept saying how unfair I was being and how impossible what I was asking was.
Now, I have trust issues and he knows that. So I told him that Thursday night as XS he would be given the chance to SHOW me that he and Michael were just friends. I told him they could not make out, all kissing (period) should remain on the cheeks -- if there had to be any. I told him I didn't want them to be alone for long periods of time. Maybe I was being unfair, but as I said to Tyler, who in this whole situation has been being fair to me either?
(Of course, Tyler insisted that he'd been fair since the very beginning but...you know, I didn't quite see it that way and he didn't really give any examples of that.)

So we were fine. We even went shopping together today. (And by shopping, I mean, I drove him so he could buy a shirt.) I also planned to drive him to his orientation for his summer job on Sunday (which I will still do unless he decides he wants another ride. I don't back down on things I say I'll do, even if shit has hit the fan and things suck ass.)

So, we get to XS tonight -- Amanda, Brighid, Tyler, and I. We meet up with a few of our friends and of course run into some by surprise (though Dylan -- who is straight -- was totally the biggest surprise of all! But yay for him being there!) Of course, Michael was there. And as soon as he joined our group, he and Tyler were basically attached at the hip. Which I didn't take issue with. Nor did I take issue with their almost constant dancing together or little bit more than friendly hand placement while doing so. (Okay, I'm kinda kidding -- I only noted hand placement like twice and it was not because I was watching their hands, I'm not that obsessive.) The first time the two disappeared off together, I was a little concerned. Especially because they took off, not like we left them. But I let it slide.
The second time they were alone together, I let it slide -- though not as easily.
The third time they took off to be alone, I was a lot less comfortable. Especially because it lasted much much longer than the other times -- around a half hour. On one occassion, when I was going to talk to Dylan, I passed by the room. I glanced in at the two of them on the couch -- of course. To my dismay, Tyler looked like he was moving away from Michael. Both had their hands raised, Michael's bent over his head. Tyler was in the middle of lowering his from what looked like the same position. To me that body language read: "We just made out!"

I fully intended to confront Tyler about this once the club closed. No such luck, as he found out rather quickly that I was upset. He exploded at me, denying that they had made out and claiming he'd done nothing wrong. That may be the truth, but here's the question:
If you knew you had a good friendship that was basically resting on one night, would you or would you not make an effort to keep that friendship?
Cause I wasn't seeing any effort on his part. Honestly, and I told Tyler this, if he'd asked me to lay off of a guy that I liked and who liked me, I would have. Without any hesitation. Isn't that part of being someone's best friend?

I texted Michael following this and apologized, saying that I had wanted to avoid it all that night. Truthfully, I had. He replied with a texting say he was too old for high school drama bullshit. (Which, while quite valid, was a tiny bit funny because Brendan mentioned that Michael's also been talking to a high school senior.) I said that I knew he was, and apologized again, and then -- finally working up the nerve, or possibly being royally pissed off enough -- I asked him if I could ask him a few questions before he never spoke to me again. For a long while there was no answer, so I sent another text that said I guessed that meant no and I hoped he had a good night. Then I got a reply: "What do you want to know?"
I narrowed my list of questions I didn't have enough spine to ask down to two: "Why don't you answer Amanda's texts?" and "What did I do, if anything, to make you stop being interested?" I clarified that the second question was merely for the sake of self-improvement -- although I expected that closure would help in the moving on process.
His response was that Amanda had only texted him once (though he'd never answered and she'd assumed this was a hint.) Then he said, and I'm quoting this directly from my phone: "secondly why the fuck are you so determined to control everyone's lives? its super irritating and im done with it"
Well, thanks, Michael, but I really didn't feel like I was controlling you before this Tyler thing arose (and even then, I was only trying to control one thing about one aspect of Tyler's life because it affected my life). So I asked for clarification: "How was i trying to control your life?"
His response: "Enough..i would prefer if we didnt talk for a while" Yeah, he's a charmer.
Frustrated, upset, and now even more pissed because I was being dropped by Michael again, I sent what may have been one of my meanest text messages ever. Possibly uncalled for, and I should probably apologize for it later, but it legit did make me feel better: "Don't answer. Nice of you to still leave me hanging. That does seem to be something you're good at. Have a good however long a while is then. Bye."

Bottom line is: I don't give a rat's ass anymore and those two can do whatever they want. I'm done with them both.

I don't know what I would do without this blog. I'm so much calmer right now, having written this all out, that I can even imagine sleeping tonight!!

"Do you understand a case like this can break you?"

The Next Best Thing is, in many ways, a seriously wise movie. (The title there is a line from it.)

I'm gonna start with the drama so you can get the amaaaaaaazing news to end the post.
The Michael stuff wasn't over Thursday night. I'm mean, it's all okay now, it's been dealt with and everyone is fine, but if I'm going to keep ya'll up to date you should know it happened.
So, Friday, Tyler and I talked about it more. I got him to agree to just be friends with Michael -- at least for now, until I move on more than I have. I also talked to Michael and he said he understood where I was coming from.

Saturday night we had the show, it was fantastic. Instead of going to the cast party, I went to American Eagle for work. We were there straight through til 6:00 am Sunday. We tried to go to the diner...we were too tired to chew, so we left after 20 minutes and I got home at 7:00 am and crashed.
I woke up at 3:00 am, logged onto Facebook and found at the very top of my newsfeed a comment from my friend Juli (who goes to school with me) to Michael. It said something along the lines of "It was great meeting you last night. I'm so glad you came up! I hope you can visit again soon."
Yes, Michael was on my campus and although there was no way I could have seen him, nobody told me. I flipped out. I called people to find out exactly what had happened, and then I called Tyler to bitch him out because from my perspective Michael had come up to see him in a boyfriendly kind of way. Keeping in mind that Michael had never suggested coming up to see me, so I was also seriously jealous as well. It was starting to seem like he really didn't want to be even friends with me -- and I said that to Michael as well.
Anyways, Ty, bless his soul, was able to calm me down. He told me they were just friends and he agreed that, in honor of them just being friends, that if Michael visited again or if he went to visit Michael they would let me know even if I wasn't invited or something. I mean, on a campus this small I'm going to find out anyways so why try to go behind my back, right?

As a side note, I've previously told Michael on more than one occassion that if I screw up he should tell me how I did so I can fix it or at least not repeat the same mistake with the next guy. (Which is wh I've told him more than once that I was playing it by ear off of him, and he should tell me where I stood (not in those exact words) so I'm going to continue trying to be his friend until he flat out tells me he doesn't want to. Though he's not doing a great job of reciprocating (he only talks to me via Myspace and/or if he knows I'm upset and it involves him, or that's how it seems) right now, I don't think he's against the idea of a friendship between us.
The point being, nobody ever really tells me why they suddenly stop being into me and this is a cycle that is no longer acceptable so I'm going to talk to other guys who've seemed interested and then suddenly or inexplicably moved on and find out why. If I'm as undateable as I seem to be, I gotta find out and fix it. That's my goal this week.

Anyways, absolutely everything's been talked about and we're fine and we shouldn't be having that drama any more! Yay!

So, because she met a guy when we went out to eat, Katie and I arranged a game night (it's a complex story, and it's hers, so I won't share it...unless she tells me tonight she wants me to, it's kind of cool so I hope she does :P). Amanda and Ty came over and we played Scene It: Disney. Then we watched The Next Best Thing.
It was all well and good, although it was mildly depressing because it made me remember that she and then there was a scene that mirrored a conversation I'd had with Michael and I was suddenly less fine. Not like I was upset, and certainly not at anyone in particular, it was just...I don't know, you guys understand right?
The conversation in the movie is as such:
Doctor: "I like you a lot."
Robert: "I like you too."
Doctor: "But this will never work." It continues on with Robert being indecisive.
The conversation with Michael, as I remember it, was as such:
Me: "I like you a lot."
Michael: "I like you too."
Me: "It's too bad it won't work, I live to far away."
Michael: "It might."
Hate to say I called it, but....that was me, calling it.

Anyways, so I poured myself a cup of rum with a splash of Coke and got unwisely drunk (fortunately, nobody gave in to my urge to go commit delinquent behavior). As I drank said drink, Tyler talked to me about texts he and Michael were sending back and forth -- which I definitely appreciated. Definitely a step in the right direction. Even if it made me kind of wonder what happened to way back when Michael and I used to talk about the things that bothered him. Which then made me feel obsessive and pathetic, so I quickly pushed those thoughts to the side and contemplated what noises aluminum bats would make against those vandal proof mailboxes. Like I said, I was really urging for delinquent behavior. It wasn't good, but the others kept me from acting on those urges without much difficulty.

The amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing news is, however, that I think I'm getting two roomies (one of whom is the fabulous Aubree of A&F fame :P) next year and we're getting a three bedroom apartment and the ones we're thinking of looking at are gorgeous and (hopefully) affordable! So, all in all, things are definitely looking up!

"There were times when I wanted to hurt you, and there were times when I know that I did"

Things get crazier here all of the time. Since the last time I updated, a lot has happened, so I'm going to breeze through all of that and then talk about what's really on my mind right now.

Thursday, a large group of my friends went to XS. It was fun.

Friday was a party with friends from school, but Beau came with Katie and I too. The cutie charmed the socks right off everyone, myself included! There's some pictures, but to protect the innocent I'm not gonna share. :P It was themed to be "Something That Happened on the Day of Your Birth". If you could, you were supposed to dress as whatever event you chose. Katie, Beau, and I all failed to dress as an event, but at least we had looked up our birth dates to find one to comment on. I chose two: the birth of a straight female porn star and Madonna being on the cover of Cosmopolitan.

Saturday, I hung out with Beau some more and then he headed out. Then I joined up with Cody and Aaron and we headed to Jeffy's and then a whole gaggle of us headed over to Philadelphia to party at XII Air Command for Charlie's 17th birthday -- cause it's 17+ on Saturdays. I met a guy there, he works the door and his name is Drew and he's got beautiful lips. I mean, there's no chance of it going anywhere because how often am I in Philadelphia? Never, right? Right.

I got back at 4 in the morning, slept like log (for once!) and went to rehearsal. I was there most of the day Sunday. And much of Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. Yay tech week!

Last night, The Diary of Anne Frank opened. It was great.
Afterwards, Amanda and Tyler and Brighid and I went to XS. My hair was still white. Tons of people were there, all abuzz with tons of gossip about topics I won't get into because it doesn't concern me but let's just say someone in our little circle of friends is making headlines, unfortunately not in a happy way. Michael was also there. And, surprise surprise, that's what I want to talk about.
After Easter weekend, Michael basically disappeared. I know that he and I talked about how nothing was likely to happen until we had graduated, but he wasn't answering texts or anything and we had talked about hanging out at least one more time. I was a little put off but more than that I was concerned. Finally, I messaged him on Myspace and he answered and explained that he'd just been really busy. Makes sense, I have been too.
Further lack of communication until I message him on Myspace inviting him to Wednesday's preview show. He declines, politely, but does inquire as to whether or not I will be at XS on Thursday.
So, lo and behold, he's there, I'm there...and Tyler's there. And Michael is like absorbed in Tyler, and Tyler is of course seeming to be interested in Michael, because how could you not be?
Brendan tells me that Michael's been talking to some high school senior (which seems to be a recurring theme for me). That's fine. What I'm not yet okay with is flirtation between Michael and one of my best friends.
Of course, unbeknownst to me, the two have been talking on Myspace for a couple of weeks. Why Tyler didn't tell me, I don't understand. But we talked about it today, and Ty and I are fine. Ish.
I explained that to Tyler, who was trying to respect that. I tried to tell Michael, but I just could not work up the balls to pull him aside and say anything. I sent him a text message this morning explaining why I'd been upset and apologizing if I'd been bitchy.
He called me that afternoon from work, said hi, asked how my day was. We chatted a little bit. He said "I got your text, I'm sorry I didn't answer. It's been a busy day." I apologized once more for being weird and he told me it was okay, it was totally understandable. Then he said he had a customer and he would call me back in a little while. There has still been no phone call from him.

Talking to friends has not made me any less upset or at all happier about the situation. Everyone seems to think I'm reacting reasonably here. Chloe, however, says that by apologizing I'm giving him power he shouldn't have. The cast of Anne Frank seems to think that the purpose of his phone call this afternoon was just to be a dick.
Somehow, I just can't find fault in the boy. I mean, I try because blaming myself for feeling and acting like this truly sucks. I call him "asshole" and "dickwad" and "jerkface" and raise my voice and shake my fist and occasionally hit things, but I've never felt like he deserved any of that. Is that weird?

I'm trying really hard to move on, or at least manage to put my feelings on hold and behave like a sane and rational person. I'm genuinely happy for him if he's got this other boy that I don't know and hopefully will never meet. That's great! And I could see him flirt with almost anyone and be fine -- so I'm making progress. But it still stings to see him flirting with my best friends.

What's worse, and what makes less sense, is how much trouble I have talking to him now. It's so awkward. I have hundreds of things I think of to say and ask. I want to hear him tell me every detail of his day, I want to know where he goes, what he does, who he talks to -- everything. I want to see his smile (I won't lie, the main reason he's still on my top friends on Myspace is because that means I get to see that smile whenever I log on); I want to make him smile. I'm seriously crushing hard, and it's totally ridiculous because I spent less than a week hanging out with him or talking to him. And in that week we talked about everything...now all that comes out of my mouth, if anything is "What's up?" and there's so much more going on in my head that for some reason I can articulate at all.

I'm figuring a few more rounds of John Tucker Must Die this week -- since I don't have rehearsal -- and a lot of chocolate and ice cream and I should be absolutely okay again. God I hope so.