I hate PA!

To start with, I need to give a shout out to my friend Genevieve who has confessed to me -- although there may have been alcohol involved :P -- that she is an addict of my blog. She calls it her "new Pink is the New Blog".

I've been inspired now, actually. Kat, Genevieve...our Pink is the New Blog picture could say "Pink is the New Grahambling"...even though Pink is the New Blog was around first...

I decided, the shitty luck I've been having? It's all because of Pennsylvania. Kick in the ass from God: you don't belong here. Move.

Because I had shitty luck in Pennsylvania all the way until I hit New Jersey on the road trip yesterday.
And I had shitty luck trying to take a rest in Connecticutt too but I don't think that was at all connected to anything. :-P

Anyways, here's what's been going on since my last post....I cast my one act, er "short play". They're great.

Gint is over. It was phenomenal and guess what? My dad snuck down to PA to see it!!

My computer's hard drive died. It got replaced but it's taken me a week since then to get my computer operational again since I'm dumb. I got home, and poof, figured it out. PA clouds my brain, I think.

Because my computer wasn't working though, I am now in danger of failing almost all of my classes and my schedule for next semester is TOTALLY screwed the fuck up.

As far as those issues with the other dancer went....well, nothing's really changed. I'm pretty much ignoring that as a problem. I have enough other issues to deal with than the fact that I make less money than the other dancer. And that certain people who are friends of mine start conversations with me by asking "Where's Will?" or don't talk to me at all because they're so focused on him now....
I know, not his fault. And I'm still being friendly to all of these people. But it doesn't make me happy. Because like, now? Now would be a time when having friends would be nice but even the ones who aren't ditching me don't seem to have time for me. All I need is a good movie-and-ice-cream night, am I asking too much?

I am working on getting hotter still, but the progress is slow going. Partly because I'm exhausted all of the time from this feeling of "What's gonna go wrong next?" because something always does.

Oh? As far as the love life goes? So, I was talking to a few guys (other than James, because as we know, hopeless). And I start going on a few dates (two, to be exact) one of them -- Jeremy. (Too many J names, I know!) He even came to see my show, and awkwardly met my dad despite my best efforts, and things seemed to be going pretty good. I did not, however, allow myself to jinx it by thinking the "b" word ("boyfriend", I mean).
So I must've jinxed it some other way, because he's moved the hell on from me. To a high schooler. Now, I know I'm an age-is-just-a-number sort of guy, but a high schooler over me? I cannot fathom that a high schooler has more to offer. But he says he's "happier now than he's ever been", and who am I to stand in the way of a timeless week-old love? It's not like I can compete with singing "Bubbly" over the phone. Maybe because I haven't made the effort to learn the words because I think that it's a little ridiculous to learn something someone else wrote and use it as a way of conveying my emotions? Sorry if I think it'd be more romantic if that sort of a thing were conveyed in something, I don't know, original?
Anyways, I told him my feelings for him in a way-out-of-left-field spilling of heart and soul (something I have never ever done before in my entire life). And when he found out I'd never done that before he said "Oh" which leads me to my latest conclusion:
I've always been doing the right thing by shutting the hell up.
My friends keep saying that when he realizes that a high schooler, no matter how mature, is incapable of having a serious relationship because of the structure of their life and the changes they're about to go through with starting college and all, he's going to come crawling back to me. Question is -- if my friends are right that he'll come back, am I gonna take him back? I've never been much of one for second chances and I've been right before....

Anyways, to sum it all up: men suck, I'm still chronically single, depressed, and am right that spilling your guts is a totally worthless action. (Unless, apparently, you're spilling your guts through someone else's words.)

Ooooooh, but I have a new keyboard! And it's fun to type on because all the keys are there and none of them stick!

And Katie and I went to DC last weekend (when the whole Jeremy thing went down) and visited our friend Ashley and we went to Apex and it was a phenomenal blast!

Now I'm in RI and I need to hop offline so I can go shower because I'm working at the Dark Lady's Thanksgiving Eve party!!

Oooh, I also forgot about this:

Watch More Videos Uploaded by bebo.com/acrowleyorder

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

"When your heart's heavy, I will lift it for you"

Everything's been going pretty well, right? Absolutely everything in my life was looking uphill...so, of course, I let go of one of my chiefest principles: men suck.

I won't go into the details, it's not like he actually did anything wrong, per say. I've been where he is, and I've done what he did. Can't call him a criminal for it. I can, however, handle it in an adult and mature way...which I will do as soon as I either see him again or he returns my phone call. We'll see what comes first, but I have a feeling it i'n't going to be the phone call, if you get what I'm saying.

You know though, despite the blushing and the butterflies he gave me -- oh, and the vomiting repeatedly last night because of how upset I was, I'm really not all that devastated. Hurray for that!

"Please tell me what you like, does that feel nice?"

I don't understand at all.

I don't think he does either.
This past weekend...it was perfect. I felt comfortable, I felt safe, I felt like we were a sure thing.

Now I'm not so sure. I don't know what's going through his head, and he doesn't seem to be able to explain it to me. There is no more "ciao bello" just "ciao", there are no more compliments coming with ease from him. It all feels very harsh, very cold.

And I have to wonder...has he gotten what he wanted? I don't think he's that type of guy, I really don't. But I usually don't.

And he's seeming a little A.D.D. Like, he just burst out on this rant about men and all of the heartbreak he's gone through. About as much as me, for the record.
All I want is to keep him from getting hurt again, but I can already see...or I'm already afraid. This is going to get me hurt again, and again, and again. I'm starting to think I'm wasting my time, looking for something meaningful with him.
The things he complained about, the things he said he was tired of...they're not me. The things he seems to want, that's what I have to offer. Can I get him to see that? No.

Maybe I'll just settle for less, go after some gorgeous guy (and who gives about his personality?) from the club I work at. Maybe I'll try to forget about him. I can't do this up-down-all-around. I can't be his seasonal boyfriend, his date when I'm home on vacation.

I'm not saying I need a decision right now, but I need him to stick on a fairly steady indecision.
How appropriate...the song that just started?

Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help
Falling in love with you

Boys make my brain hurt.

Darling so it goes
Some things
They were meant to be

"I console myself that Hallmark cards are true..."

I am a little more than devestated right now.

I know I shouldn't have fallen so hard, so fast. I know I should have asked him to wait for me, although really I couldn't because he'd already told me not to wait for him (and aside from that, later he said that if I told him not to go see other guys that would have been the end of it). I guess I didn't have another choice.

I'm not looking for something serious. I'm not looking for long-lasting. I'm just looking for something tangible, something based off of more than just sex. Mostly, I'm just looking for a guy that I like enough to pursue to like me back enough to date me.

Every guy I've ever dated has pursued me and I've been like "Yeah, you're alright. Whatever." In one instance, I came to like that person a lot.
Usually, I like the guy and I try to date them and it seems like everything's going well for me and then suddenly, no warning, it ends. It hasn't managed to start yet, but it ends.

I don't understand, but I hate it. I hate men.