"Does that make me craaaaaazy"

Yesterday was insane. All kinds of insane. Fun as hell, but insane none-the-less.

First of all, I started working at Abercrombie Kids at 10 am yesterday. I loved it, I love the people who I was working with, it was terrific!
It did get a little awkward at one point, though. You see, I was out front doing the tagline when Anthony -- yes, that Anthony who I dated very briefly -- walked by, saw me, and came in to chat. All in all, it was fine, but there was a brief moment of "Oh, awkward."

Oh, and I want to give a huge shoutout to Matt who I worked with. Aside from being gorgeous and awesome and oh-so-comfortable with himself (I love guys who are straight but don't care)...his manager told him, while I was there, to go to an audition today...for a movie which will star Matt Damon. HOLLA!

Anyways, so then I went and go-go danced. It took them a while to catch on that the crazy kid in his underwear actually was working there, but they figured it out. I made FORTY bucks. There was very little touching except for when they tipped, which was good. A few skeeves in the crowd, nothing I couldn't handle. Although, I am thinking there should be a chart -- how much you need to be tipping to stick the dollar in certain places. You know, one dollar for a hip, five dollars for down the front....ten dollars or more for down the back...

I have to jet. Gotta by a new pair of underwear for work tonight!

(I don't know if there were any pictures...if there were, I'll add some later!)

"We'll be VIP with the movie stars..."

I promise this entry will have more pictures soon. Or I hope so. As soon as they get on Facebook...cause I didn't take any of them, I have to steal them from other people and the rule of the weekend was that you were not allowed to see any pictures until they were up on Facebook.

The show was awesome. AWESOME. The audience even understood it, which I think is a testament to the talent of the entire cast. It's a difficult show, and it's long. And if you don't do it right it can easily be boring. But no -- we pulled it off. I think we all can be very proud of ourselves at this point.

After opening night, I went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The weekend of or following Halloween every year (well, for the past five years) our school has shown the movie -- and had a cast acting it out in front of the screen. The girl who had started it -- a legend in her own right on this campus and a friend of mine (not gonna lie I'm friends with most of the more recent campus legends :-P) came to see it although she graduated last year. Another campus legend , alumnus, and one of my best friends also was there to see it (he also saw my show) so it was kind of a reunion of sorts. :)
Also, the guy who played Rocky, Matt? Funny story. He's incredibly hot with one of the cutest faces *ever*. And then it slowly dawned on me -- he was the same guy who Boy-Anthony had made out with that oh-so-dramatic weekend while Anthony and I were dating. Matt is bi, but dating a girl (who Anthony had also made out with that night). I wasn't upset about Anthony's drunken tonsil hockey, and I'm still not. Now though? I'm envious. :-P I didn't go talk to him though, I thought "Hey, you made out with my ex-boyfriend before we broke up, isn't that crazy?" might be an awkward conversation starter.
Anyways, the Rocky Horror Picture Show went really well. I wish I'd had time enough between my show and theirs to get dressed up, but alas...no such luck. I still had a lot of fun, and I learned even more of the call lines. "Waiter, there's a transvestite in my soup" still remains one of my favorites.
I hope I can have time to be in the show next year. Cross your fingers!

The next day I slept until pretty much show time, then went and we had another great performance. Not quite as good as the first night, but the second show is always the worst night for any show. Opening night is usually the best as far as energy goes. Second night everyone is tired, so...it usually ends up technically pretty good, but actually...crappy. After that all the shows are at the usually very good and at this happy medium of technically good and full of energy.

We had the first of probably several cast parties last night. First most of us went to the diner and did our usual "La Vie Boheme" routine of pushing a whole bunch of tables together, coming in at seperate times, and making a loud scene.
The nice thing about our local diner (actually all the area diners I know of) is that they loooooove the people who are loud and make things interesting. Like the theater kids when they're all hyper from a show they just did. So they loved us, this one woman who works there gave us coupons to the hairdressing place that she works. So, yay for the super cheap haircut I'm gonna get!
Then we all went to our House Manager's apartment and had a typical college party and it was a lot of fun.

The picture is of me with a pillow at the apartment. This was before anyone had started drinking -- once the alcohol came out, the pillow disappeared rather quickly and I'm not sure where it went.
And yes, I know my hair is AWFUL, but it was still glued down from the show.

Also, an apology...for some bizarre and probably stupid reason, I'm getting errors when I try to comment on blogs on here so the fact that I'm not commenting does *not* mean I have nothing to say or that I'm a jerkface asswad. I mean, I might be a jerkface asswad but it has nothing to do with my lack of comments. :-D

Graham makes a frowny face...

Ah boy.

Boy-Anthony, my boyfriend, who as of yet has not been able to have that serious talk we need to have about his trust issues, is ill. He has strep throat (the germs of which are the picture to the left), mono, and tonsilitis.

But I'm not with Anthony. I am in Rhode Island. And, as I imagined, things here are not pretty with the group of people from this summer. I mean, I imagine Michael and Kyle are fine. And, hey, Matt's fine (now) as well, from the sounds of it.

Meanwhile, I've heard nothing from Kenny or John in about a week. I've seen them online, but they haven't replied to me at all. Chris, Bill, and Bill are still disappeared -- which may be for the best. And Linda...oh, who knows?
And then there's Boy-Neil. He's amazing, amazing, amazing. I'm so hung up on him. But he sometimes makes the worst, most self-destructive decisions, for which I hate him. There's so much potential in him.
But can it ever be a good idea to at the age of 18 get engaged to someone you've only known for maybe two months? I don't think so. Maybe I'm jealous here, maybe I'm overprotective of my friends...mostly, I think, I'm just concerned he's making a huge mistake.

And that pretty much makes me miserable.

"I console myself that Hallmark cards are true, I really do..."

So, in first news: I have definitely only *just* gone back to see if I have any comments on any posts. I was delighted to find that I did -- which means I actually have readers! You're not just imaginary people! That has made my day in ways that you don't even know. So, I would like to thank Heather of Thoughts from the Void and Pete Ross, our very own Porn Rebel, for lighting up this dark and dreary day.

Now, I'm about to expose to you all just how incredibly jaded I am. This is something I usually try to keep hidden, but I tend to be highly distrustful of men. And, as per usual, when I let down that guard I have and actually date someone, it turns out I'm just being an idiot.
Now as some of you know, I've been a little more than unsure of my relationship (if you can call it that) with Boy-Anthony. I did, last night, confirm that I'm just second-guessing myself and I do actually like him. Unfortunately, this occurred because I was so upset with him.

You see, he had told me that he was going to go to a club, that he'd called off work, probably in Philly. That's fine. I had a birthday party I had to go to.
While I'm at the party, he calls and lets me know he's on my campus. I told him I wasn't on campus, but I would be back in a couple hours and I would call him. When I returned to campus I called him -- three times. He did not answer, he did not call back. So I just sort of chilled in my dorm room. I'm listening to (surprise, surprise) Savage Garden when suddenly I hear a knock on my door. Loud, frantic knocking. And then someone going "Graham, Graham!" So I stop the music, and open the door to find two of the guys on my floor -- both drunk, standing there.
"Anthony says it's over!" one of them says.
"Yeah, some guy said it."
"He said something about you don't know how to make a phone call. Or answer your phone!"
Okay, so I get that Boy-Anthony's probably shitfaced, but sending people up three flights of stairs to tell me this instead of doing it himself? That on its own would piss me off. But that lame excuse of phone calls too? Call me Livid.
So I called him, and he called back a few minutes later. No idea what the two guys were talking about. But then again, he can barely remember his own name, he's that drunk. He tells me to meet him at the diner with some of his friends.

I get to the diner, and I'm doing the good boyfriend thing. He couldn't read the menu, so I ordered for him -- exactly what he wanted (well, he didn't want the water I made him drink...). I helped him stand up when he didn't feel like sitting. I put up with him telling me to "Fuck off" over and over and over whenever I wanted him to sit down or drink his water.
And I'm not mad when he tells me he made out with a cute girl tonight, cause you know what? At least he's telling me. I agree with Darren Hayes, "I believe trust is more important than monogamy". When I mention that, Boy-Anthony also mentions "I might have done something with a boy tonight, but I don't remember." I'm still not mad, he's being honest.

And then he gets pissed at me. He gets mad at me because of two things: 1) I won't do anything with him while he's drunk. That's part of my rule, either both parties are sober or both parties are drunk when sexual acts occur. If both parties are drunk, then it's either something they both want or its a mutual not-thinking-straight. If both parties are sober, you know they both want it. There's no danger of taking advantage of someone.
2) He's mad because apparently he heard from two drunk people who don't even know me that I'm fucking some guy at my school. Which, I'm not. I don't even know who they're talking about. Then Boy-Anthony makes insinuations about myself and my friend Cody, who I *almost* dated at one point but we're both very much over each other. I was just like "Yeahno." But that pissed me off -- he's the one doing shit with other people, and he's pissed at me? He has that little trust in me? How can you date someone you have no trust for?

I told him I would call him today. I haven't. But I should. Probably now-ish.
But, hey, I've had a good rant.

Thanks again for the comments, they really did cheer me up! :)

"I wish you were a stranger I could disengage..."

I've been doing some thought lately. I've come up with some rather poor aliases for various people involved in these thoughts as well, and I think I shall start to use them.

It's kind of put me in a foul mood lately... sometimes thinking does that.

(<---Graham on a bad day, unshaven, and giving someone the good old West Virginia.) I've been thinking about Rhode Island. I've been thinking about Arcadia. I've been thinking about school. I've been thinking about Boy-Sheetz (the boy I met last Saturday). I've been thinking about monogomy. I've been thinking about clothes. I've been thinking entirely too much.

As far as Rhode Island goes...I'm a little more at-ease. I just talked to my good friend Sundance, finally. He says he hasn't heard from anyone from this summer lately either. I know at least Business-Man and Crazy-Man are alive thanks to MySpace, so that's nice. In the meantime, however, I'm still hung up on a boy (Boy-Dancer) who, for some reason, neither answers his phone or returns phone calls. I also know that there's some kind of drama going down, and I do not know the details. So I'm still concerned, very concerned even. And I am at a complete loss for what to do about it. Any thoughts?

In a way this all leads into the thoughts about Boy-Sheetz. I'm actually, and this is terrible and I feel like the most awful human being, not really that into him. Definitely not as into him as he is into me. I mean, don't get me wrong -- he's cute, he's nice, he makes me smile. All good qualities in a boyfriend. But I feel like we've jumped the gun here -- going home from the club together to boyfriends is skipping a couple steps, isn't it? Also, I honestly don't know if I feel like I want monogamy right now.
No, that's wrong. I do want monogamy, I just want it with someone who doesn't want it with me -- Boy-Dancer. Dilemma!! So what I need now is a nice, easy-let-down for Boy-Sheetz. I'm thinking "I just don't think I'm in a good place to be in a relationship right now" is probably my best bet, and it is even the truth!

Then we get to Arcadia and to school. I remember when I enjoyed college. I even didn't mind that the theater department owned my soul.
Now, at this point, I am spending entire nights, when I should be doing work for my classes (which I'm actually struggling in) in the theater so I can say "Yes, sir." three or four times. And I can't even act those lines because every time I make some kind of character choice, DirectorSev tells me I'm wrong. "You're old!" he says -- to which I respond, "Not according to the script." But, y'know, Stoppard only wrote it what did he know...
And what they seem to have in mind for my hair and such? Do they realize I'm a butler from 1809 in a wealthy enough household that Lord Byron stayed there, that they could afford to have frequent hunting trips and a private tutor and have their garden entirely relandscaped? What they are having me look like is woefully inaccurate, and it makes me cringe. The entire show is making my cringe at this point. And more than that -- it's making my grades suffer. I am writing this now because I have just finished a project I could have spent all weekend on instead of all Sunday night if my weekend (during the day, I have way more trouble concentrating at night, although I forced myself into it tonight) hadn't been utterly monopolized by the theater department.

As far as clothes go...the fact is, I need more money. All of my jeans are 28/30, and I'm a 26/30, but you can't find those affordably anywhere. So the answer is clearly that I must be rich as quickly as I can.

"I wish you were a stranger I could disengage"

I am full of self-doubt. I hide it behind this mask of conceit and arrogance, which has seeped into my actual self. But mixed into that conceit is doubt.

Nothing brings out these doubts like relationships with other people. And right now, I'm almost overwhelmed. Between the restlessness I've been feeling, which is a new feeling for me because I usually I manage to keep myself entertained with the things I'm doing.

More than that, there's boys. Sadly, I'm still hung up on the one boy from Rhode Island. And, speaking of Rhode Island, none of them are calling me, returning my phone calls, or anything. I did get a MySpace comment (in reply to a MySpace comment I left him) from one of them today. But it's a little worrisome. Are they okay? Did I do something wrong? I'm sure I'm just being paranoid but, it's a worry none-the-less.

Then there's the happy news, which of course is making me self-doubt more. Why? Because I met a boy. In fact, I met him last night. And spent most of the past 24 hours with him. And we may or may not have used the boyfriend word. I definitely have a hicky on my neck.
I'm nervous, it's moving fast. I've never used the boyfriend word when I've known someone for less than a week before. I'm worried that he's more into me than I am into him, I'm worried I might subconsciously be using him to try to get over Neil. It's not him, he's great. Well, he seems great so far (although I found his MySpace and it's a little...not anything at all like him). It's all in this massive lack of trust in myself.

Some day I'll figure out where that stems from. In the meantime, I'm going to go to sleep (because no matter what this post is telling you, it's Monday now...and it has been for two hours). I'll wake up, go to class, come back and play a nice game of "Anywhere But Here", and then go with the flow. That's how I roll -- with the flow.