It's been a long, been a long, been a long day

Actually, that's a lie. I've been awake for like an hour. :P

Anyways, to start off with, I just want to say "YAY SHANEY!" because he commented my last post.
Going back to that, a whole bunch of you were all trying to impress upon me the importance of Anne Frank's story. Go back, reread, guys. I never said I wasn't enthusiastic about the show. I never said I didn't get why it's an important show. I said I wasn't enthusiastic about the role that I'm playing. Which is still true, he's just not a character you can do a lot with. He's got a limp (we think he had a limp, all I've found is that he was injured in WWI and that in other productions, he had a limp in his left leg), I'm playing around with that. Other than that, there's pretty much nothing you can do with this guy. (No offense if any of Victor Kugler's relatives read this...as a historical figure, he's amazing and fascinating. As a character in the newly adapted version of The Diary of Anne Frank he's a dull and depressing bearer of bad news who shows up three times for like a minute and a half each. If he were still alive, I'm pretty sure he'd sue.)

Anyways, Cody's been complaining about how I haven't been writing. Truth is....I really haven't felt like it. I've been seriously stressing lately, mostly over money. Scratch that, entirely over money.
Right now, I can't go grocery shopping, I don't have the funds. So I've been eating on campus. But next week is spring break, and I'm not going anywhere, so we'll see how fast I starve. :-P After spring break, I'm going to start working out on campus, because its free, until the end of the school year. Despite my whole I-can't-work-out-in-front-of-lots-of-people-who-know-me thing.

The screen on my cell phone died. I managed to get an upgrade, so I have a new phone. It's pretty. It's cute. It has a camera! It does not hold a charge.
And, ultimately (with the mail-in rebate) it will only cost me 3 dollars. Yaya!
And cause of the camera, it means that soon there will be more pictures on this blog!!

I have this...disgraceful atrocity on my face next to my mouth -- it looks like a herpe -- but my friend Michele (who is not exactly a dermatologist, but a bio/psych major is close enough for me) assures me that it's probably from dry skin.

What else is going on?
Not much. This past weekend was boring....weather screwed it up on Thursday and Friday, then I had to work on Saturday. So, that was blah.

Oh, but I will say this: the weekend before was anything BUT boring.
Thursday was XS, as per usual. It was pretty normal, packed and fun. And I went to the diner afterwards, despite my Friday morning classes, as I was really hungry.

Friday -- oh Friday! TJ had this dinner party in Reading, which I promised I would go to for a little while. After we were served our drinks (the wait was ridiculous), I fled the scene and made it to Towson in a much shorter amount of time than I should have been able to. But I sped. And tricked a cop into pulling over someone else. I'm awesome like that.

Anyways, we got to Towson and we all finished get hottified at Brendan's house as usual -- I think this is a nice ritual we've sort of accidentally started. Anyways, so we went to Town and had a blast. I hung out with the dancers there a bunch, which is always fun. They're amazing guys and I love that I know most of them now.
There was a V-Day thing going on, people could get numbers (which were on stickers you put on yourself) and using those, you could send messages to other people or give them flowers or candy. There were several big screens displaying the messages and who had flowers and candy and such. It was cool, and sometimes trashy, and awesome. My favorite was the one that ended with the signature "Ashley from the bathroom".
We ran into Erik, who, if we saw each other more than once a year, would be almost the perfect boyfriend for me. :-P I sent him a message using the screens, but he was high as a kite, and thought it came from Brendan. Shit happens, y'know. (Brendan best be backin' up off my boi, yo. :-P) But Erik and I danced some and that was fun.
It was funny though -- because I'm totally inept at flirting when I mean it -- so Cody goes up to help me write the message to Erik, and he and Jared (I think that's his name, he's one of the dancers I don't know as well) are like standing on either side of my, giving me advice. And I am, of course, like panicking, cause I don't know how good their advice will be. Smooth, Graham, smooth. (And I'm pretty sure Jared now thinks I'm retarded.)

After Town, we all went back to Brendan's and crashed. Cody and Bill shared a bed cause of how they're dating, and I got my own -- which is nice, I guess. I suppose it's less awkward than if Bill and I had shared beds and Cody has been alone.
Anyways -- some of you know this, others don't. Not only am I kind of an exhibitionist, I like to watch. If you know what I'm saying. So, Cody and Bill are both horny. And both like to be watched.
And they have not yet actually had sex. (Although I'm sure they fooled around.) So there I am, and I got to see the two lovebirds bang for the first time! (And even though I'm not really attracted to either one of them separately, it was kind of hot. Just sayin'.)

(The pictures, of me talking to Dennis, were taken by Hott Boyz Entertainment....and, they're from several weeks ago, I just didn't feel like going back and putting them in the correct post. :P)

Saturday night, Katie and I hung out. A bunch of our friends turned 21, so we, with plans of not getting too drunk, went to one party. By the time we decided to go to the other, we called the DD and she was like "It's pretty much died down."
So I called up Jake, one of my straight guys, to see what he was up too. Neither one of us was in any shape to drive home, so when Tom (a visiting straight guy that I love who I had no idea would be in town) answered the phone, we went over with plans of sobering up.
Yeah, that didn't happen.
We drank. We played drinking games. We had a blast. We tried to leave, but Katie -- drunk and in heels -- couldn't go very far.
So...Katie, Tom, and I snuggled on the futon in Jake's room. I was incapable of moving at all, stuck between the two of them.

And the next morning, I awoke, still drunk, and headed for where I was meeting the cast of Anne Frank to go down to DC to go to the Holocaust museum. I sobered up pretty quickly that morning -- before we even made it into Maryland I was fine. And it was, except for how depressing and gruesome the museum is, a really fun day of cast-bonding.

"I'm a clown, cause I laugh at angels."

Remember back in the day when I used to do a weekly hottie? How many of you are interested in me resuming that practice? Let's have a show of hands, or rather, comments.

I'm feeling kind of blah today.
Okay, it's really been kind of all week.
I figured out why. I'll give you a hint. Boys. And a teensy bit of self-loathing for my total fear of rejection that renders me absolutely unable to talk emotions roughly 95% of the time.
The Daniel Bedingfield song "Gotta Get Through This" is totally helping right now. I'm a little shocked there's nothing by Darren Hayes or Savage Garden that is ringing true, cause you know how less-than-three that divine angel of music.

Moving on....I'm running errands today.
First, I need to get gas. That is going to hurt. A lot. Last time I filled up, which was in my rental, it cost me slightly over fifty dollars. You can bet your ass, I will not be filling up, at least not from E, for a looooong ass time . Putting in twenty bucks and that is all.
Seriously, gas hurts.

I'm bringing my class schedule over to American Eagle so I can be on the schedule now that I'm back in Pennsylvania. I sort of implied I'd do this yesterday, but I simply never got my act together and got out of the house. It was that blah feeling. But the sooner I'm working, the better, because lord almighty I need money.

I have to go grocery shopping. We have food, yes. Katie went shopping when she got back from the holidays about a week before I did. Unfortch, Katie went shopping thinking "Oh, it's about week before Graham gets here..."
I am unable to eat almost everything in my own kitchen.

Tonight I have to go to XS and talk about some shiz with the boss.
See, I came back and I sent a message to the manager who the owners had kinda put in charge of us dancers to let him know that I was back, right?
He sent me a message back saying that they don't have dancers at XS anymore.
Now, not that I'm incredibly pissed over this (okay, I kinda am) but shouldn't I have at least gotten a message on Myspace, if not an e-mail or a phone call? Like, normally you let people know when you're firing them, right? That's not some kind of workplace myth, is it?
So, anyways, I just need to let them know I'm irked. I'm not looking for my job back, I'm looking for still not having to pay cover even though I don't work there.
I mean, after all, their 18+ Thursday night draws people in from as far away as Baltimore, and who was it that told them to have it on Thursdays and lower the cover to $5.00? Who was there for every single lame-ass 18+ Tuesday night despite my morning Wednesday classes at the time? Give you a hint, his name starts with a G. :P
Loyalty, that's what it's all about.

It's going to be my first night out since I got back to PA. How lame that it'll be so marred.

Also, if anyone knows places looking for go go boys....
I know that Town is always looking and I saw recently that Chris Ryan was looking for some. Both those are hugely far away, but it could be worth it.

I never really discussed my New Years Resolutions, did I? Right, here they are:

• Start paying more attention to my health
• Take all of my pills all of the time
• Work out
• I need a work out buddy
  
• Eat more, eat better
• Schedule the doctor's appointments I'm supposed to make
• Get my elbow looked at -- it still doesn't straighten all the way. It's been a long ass time.
  
• Start modeling as much as possible
• Get hotter
• Work out
• Remember the Jergens!!
• Audition for a theater production outside of school

So there you have it folks.

My Hero!

My dad met President Jimmy Carter once. I believe it was before he was elected, but I could be wrong. Anyways, my dad speaks about him in this respectful, reverent way that he saves for a very select group of people. Among these people are Johnny Depp, who my father (an actor himself, who taught me nearly everything I know about the art) considers the best actor in the world.

Anyways, I think this article confirms for me exactly why he is so respectful of Jimmy Carter. Unfortunately, it will probably change my father's opinion on Carter if he sees it. Oh well.

Let me catch you up on the recent activities in my life, because -- as always -- I have been busy!

Wednesday night I watched Lost with mom. Oh. My. GAH!!! And that's all I'm gonna say about it.
Then I borrowed five bucks and went out to Mirabar. I ran into a lot of people there I hadn't seen in a while. Craig, for instance. Also Ryan, Rob, Dave, Mark. Also, I encountered my new friend Justin. I'm ignoring the potential drama that I believe surrounds him and some other friends of mine, it's all just loose ends and I'm hoping they stay that way for the time being. I'm ignoring it so much in fact, that that is all I'm going to say about it.
I will say that apparently, I met Preston -- who works at Mirabar -- prior to Wednesday. I don't recall this, but he did. Which is cool, he's perfectly nice. And attractive, which means he's permitted to be friends with me even when I'm being totally shallow (which is...what...87% of the time? :P)

Today I went out to buy my book for class. They swiped my credit card. And then a minute later they swiped it again.
My credit card was denied. I don't have 174 dollars left on my credit card. I have sixty.
And my parents own 36 (accessible) dollars, apparently.
And my rent is due next Friday.
I have this feeling I really ought to be panicking right now, but I'm oddly not.

But that was how my whole day went. Everything that should have been simple became complicated. After class (which was actually quite fine), and a quick drive around Providence looking for free parking, I came home and have decided that if I stay in bed everything will be okay. So far, that's holding true except that my window is open and the pollen outside is making me sneeze. I can deal with that though.

Tomorrow, I think I am going to call A&F and try to get as many hours as possible and, possibly, get switched to being full-time. I will also go to Mirabar and try desperately to get a job. I'm starting to think the best thing for me to do is work at both Mira and XL.
Unfortch, that means no partying time...which also means canceling my plans for my birthday and having a third craptastical birthday in a row. I dunno, I'm in a quandary.

I shot the sheriff professor

Seriously, I'm about to.

So, in my comm. class today, we all got up to do PowerPoint presentations and then at the end he basically told us all we flat out sucked. We modeled our frikkin' PowerPoints after the guidelines HE gave us and the ones HE shows us in class!!!!!!!!!! He hasn't TAUGHT us anything, so we assumed we should follow by example.

Oh, and how about the part where we have to go BUY a camera. And, yes, then we have to pay for the BATTERIES!! (And it's not digital so it's worthless other than class, basically, since I don't have a scanner.) This is of course after the $50 we paid for a stupid frikkin' thumb drive AND however many hundred we spent on the books (yes, plural) for his class AND what his class costs in tuition when you do the math.........all for a class I haven't learned shit in!

He's just lucky I didn't have any sharp objects with me, cause I sit in the first row and I would've been at him before anybody could've stopped me. Not that anyone in that class would have since we were ALL pretty livid.
Like, it's one thing to provide constructive criticisms. It's different to get up and say "Really, everything I've seen was inept. Those were awful." which is what he did.

In brighter news, Katie and I have decided which apartment complex we want to live in. YAY!!

"The 50,000 dollars you stole from her!"

I have a secret now.

Okay, technically, there's a few. Not one person knows them all, but they've all been shared with my confidants. This one I've only told a couple people out of that select few.

But this one is big, and scary, so I'm gonna write about it here.

To start with, I should not have called my mother yesterday. I love her to death, and she used to be great when I was sick (I had an awful cold yesterday) -- but she used to be taking care of me, not just talking. When mom just talks, it's usually a mood-killer because as much as she professes that she is a realist...she's a pessimist. Particularly when finances are concerned.

Now, I'd also like to point out that my doctors have told her on numerous occassions not to discuss finances with me unless the news is good, because they noted (correctly) that I will always feel guilty (because it's my medical problems that cost our family the most), and will always worry, and will always stress myself out over them, which then increases my chances of having my Crohn's disease flare up again.
Does my mother listen? No.

So, now, after talking to mom yesterday, not only am I trying to think of when I could fit in doing the modeling offers I've received...but I'm concerned that I may be heading for a Crohn's flare up. I've not been taking care of myself as much as I should -- I've been too busy making money and trying not to fail classes.
Despite that, mom says it looks like I'm going to need to transfer somewhere closer to home and cheaper -- in other words, the school I desperately did not want to go to that is a mile away from the house I grew up in.

And I can't help hold this against my brother somehow. He's got to go to the school he chose, without hospitalizations and fate stepping in, for all four years -- and I'm stuck in Bumfuck, PA making a great turn out of settling for less. But I don't even get the chance to settle for less for four years -- I have to settle for less for two and then settle for even less for two more!
And that tour of Europe mom and dad sent him on for graduation and promised I would also get? Yeah, that's not happening.
And I probably wouldn't be so pissed at him about this if he wasn't wasting his degree and, as far as I'm concerned, his life. Whereas, I have every intention of using my degree and actually being an actor. I've even planned out (tentatively, of course) with some friends a post-graduation move to NYC. Of course, that did involve borrowing some parental money to get us started so that probably won't happen either.

I've never known a more frightening set of letters than the abbreviation for that God damned school in Rhode Island. The only thing I can think to do to make more money is to try to fit the skeevy offers I occassionally get on sites like MySpace for modeling...and porn. Nothing against porn, but it's not something I think I could or should do. I've seen the controversy when reality TV stars turn out to have been porn stars -- imagine trying to be a movie star or a Broadway performer with that history. I don't think the media circus would be a pretty sight.
And did I mention that the offers usually seem really skeevy?

I could take out more in student loans, but that's just putting off the immense amounts of debt until I'm struggling to make it in the real world.
Moving off campus next year might help, and Cody, David, Josh, and I had all been discussing getting an apartment together.
Perhaps I can get some help from Brendan, although I'd rather not...maybe the club would be able to help me out somehow too.
I bet if I talk to Jason he'll have some ideas too.
When I go home, I can investigate...I had heard from my boss's rich friend (who was going to help next year but now that he's gone missing or whatever) that Rhode Island offers a lot of little-known-about financial help for education and that it's not something you need to pay back. I don't know how reliable he was, but we'll find out.