"When [I] walk it's not about a direction, it's a chance to see [my] hips sway..."

Remember those days when my life was a whirlwind of events, one thing after another, and yet I managed to be perfectly calm collected and content? (The three C's?)

They're back, and all they needed was a simple little phrase. "Two weeks". As in, the next time I go into work I will be giving my manager my two weeks. I have four applications sitting in my room waiting to be filled out, and I know that the Gap already wants me.

I have some funny anecdotes before I continue...
This one just happened. Katie was telling me about her new word "rapetuous" -- which is when people talk about or watch or engage in rape. Apparently, they're discussing rape in her English class lately so the class is "rapetuous". And she said, everything is becoming rapetuous in her mind because they're talking about it so much.
And then I went to get a Coke. And I opened the fridge, reached my hand in it and pulled out (a Coke). So, of course, I walked out and said "I just went inside the fridge" and she goes "You're so rapetuous!"
Yeah, look your fridge in the eyes now, now that you know how dirty that can be.

Now, going back in time a bit...
Yesterday at the mall, as I'm in American Eagle picking up a job application, I saw a hoodie that I liked and I pointed it out to Cody, who was with me. I went over to it and was like "I kinda like this!"
And he looks at me and goes "I guess if you were black."
Just as three large black men walked past him. Towards the hoodies no less.
The timing could not have been more perfect if I'd paid them to walk in right then.

So, I've been working at Abercrombie & Fitch a lot. Doing classes, which are going decently well. And working at Club XS. I swear that there will be pictures soon!! In any case, here's a video Jenny made of some of the group of friends...and I'm in it! And yay!!

Cyclone

Add to My Profile | More Videos

For those of you in the area, this upcoming weekend is the Club XS Anniversary Party. Friday is a Porn Star Palooza featuring two of my favorites (and a third guy, who's pretty hot too!) Christian Owen and Blake Riley! Saturday is Inaya Day's performance. I won't be there. Actually, I'm kind of disappointed about that.
Bossman Joel said that he didn't need me (his nice way of saying "don't come in") because there's "so much going on", which is his way of saying "you're gonna be distracting, please go away." Honestly, I really don't think I'll be all that distracting next to three gorgeous porn stars, and considering that Chris only works some of the time I'm really the longest-lasting regular dancer the club has so I feel like I should be at the anniversary party, but, hey, I'll do what the Bossman says. And I will only complain about it here. :-P

Catching Up!

Moving in was fairly uneventful. The big thing was, of course, that I didn't have a bed. I had my heart set on a futon, so my mom and I went and picked one out.

Problem? They didn't have the frame in stock. "We'll call you Friday, we should have it in by then," the man said.
It's Sunday. Still haven't heard a word. I am livid. I'm calling them tomorrow, but I am pissed! It is not my job to find out what they have in stock, especially since I already paid for the damn thing.

Work has been a bitch, and I really have no funny anecdotes. One of my managers graduated from my college last year, and although we never met each other we each knew of each other so that's kinda cool. But the store is incredibly understaffed. We're having eight hour shifts instead of five. Today my eight hours turned into ten -- without a break. And I have blisters like whoa all over my feet.

I won't be dancing for a couple of weeks here, I've talked to my boss at Club XS and he said I had to wait a bit for one of the dancers to leave in a couple weeks. Unfortch, further investigation revealed that (I think) it's my friend Todd who we're waiting on, and I prob'ly won't get to see him. But we'll see.

But, in case that wasn't enough....
I have no idea where I stand with almost all of my friends. There were so many break ups while I was gone. The most major of these is that of my two friends Damon and Robbie. Damon works in my store and we've been hanging out.
So imagine my surprise when Cody, formerly my best friend, calls and asks if I work with Damon -- especially when he's never given a rat's ass about Damon before and -- sure, I'll say it -- he had plenty to do with the end of that relationship given that Robbie and he hooked up during the relationship. Damon had already mentioned to me that he wasn't speaking to Cody, so when Cody explained that Damon had told him that he was working at Abercrombie & Fitch at the Park Town mall...which is a twisted and bizarre version of the name of the mall we work in. But since Damon doesn't talk to Cody, I knew something weird was up.

The next day Robbie texted me to tell me not to become "best buddies" with Damon just because we work together, and told me that Damon was trying to turn people against him. Except for the one little detail that Damon hadn't been trying to make me have any opinion of Robbie at all...I have been trying very hard to not take sides.
Robbie didn't score himself any points with that little tactic, and I let him know that. And I also let Cody know how ridiculously pissed I was/am at him. I'm more than pissed with him though. How can you lie to one of your best friends? And like, seriously, hasn't he caused enough damage already? At this point, I'm done with him. There's so many reasons for me to not want to be around him, and only a few reasons to continue our friendship that I can think of. It doesn't seem worth it.

Anyways, the whole thing has left me with a lot of doubt regarding my relationships with almost everyone here and feeling very much alone. I mean, Cody's like the one I've been hanging out with for the longest and our friendship kind of always seemed like a given. If that one's on the fritz...

Oh, and on the boy front? You know how it seemed like James might kinda be into me two weeks ago when he was in RI? Well, now we're back in PA and he's totally into skanky blonder-than-me boys with ugly haircuts instead. I mean, not that I'm bitter or jealous at all...(yeah, maturity's clearly not rearing its ugly head in this post. :P) In fact, the whole love-life thing looks from this angle like it's going to be a while before there's any progress there. Even my smaller, mostly secret crushes seem like wastes of time right now. And I'm all pessimistic and mopey and boring right now. Laaaaame.

So, to sum it all up...I want to be back in Rhode Island!!!!!

Wowza!!

This has been a big week.

Let me explain...rumor has it, Club XL was shut down on Tuesday. I've heard a few things, and I don't want to say anything bad that's unconfirmed at this point so I won't go into details. Suffice to say, I think that sucks.

One of the days this week, I can't remember which, I went to see Hairspray. It was awesome, even though I definitely broke some personal rules seeing it. (I always see the stage version before I see the movie, but I have never seen Hairspray on stage.)

On movie night (Tuesday) we watched Eurotrip, which was surprisingly hysterical, and Mommy Dearest. Yes, we are that gay. :-P

Thursday I went to this private beach that my family belongs to with my mother. Just my mother. I half expected it to be excruciating, but it turned out to be a nice time. We went and got ice cream afterwards (which is our tradition). We went home...and within two hours I was sick with some kind of awful cold or something.

Friday. Oh, Friday. Friday sucked. Firstly, I was sick. So I took a lot of medicine before I went to work. I ate a snack, got ready, ate a frozen dinner and was all set to go get gas and be on time for work with no rush. So mom decided I hadn't had enough to eat. And even though I argued and told her I was fine, she refused to listen. So, the twenty minutes I had planned on using to leisurely get gas were spent waiting for her to fix whatever the hell she wanted me to eat. I wolfed it down, because now I was running late and I still didn't have enough gas to get to work. And, this of course, is on top of my deadly cold and heavy medication (which helped very little). Also, it's rush hour.

So I get to the first gas station, the one that's convenient to go to on the way to work. It is packed. I sat there for ten minutes waiting for someone to get their gas and leave, and no one did. So I went to the next gas station, which is pretty much out-of-the-way. I got my gas and then I go to get out. Of course, there's no break in traffic for me to get out the way that easily puts me back the way I need to go, so I turn right instead. I officially have no time to waste waiting.
So I head down the road looking for a place to turn around. I spot a parking lot, right by an entrance ramp to the highway. I turn in, but -- mainly because I am in no way in a suitable situation to be driving, as I'm sure you understand -- I hit the curb. Although it didn't feel like I hit it that badly, as I turned around I felt a little wobbliness. Then I made it out onto the highway and the car begins to violently shake.
So I pulled over, freaking out. I think, I have to get out of the car, and see what happened. So I go to open the door. And an 18-wheeler blows by me, it would have taken off the door if I had gotten it open already. So I freak out even more and call mom. She tells me I have to get out of the car, on the passenger side. So I do. She and dad take both their cars to come help me. Meanwhile, I call A&F and tell them I'm going to be late -- which is not a newsflash since I'm already ten minutes late for my shift at this point. Then I call AAA, of course.
The one lucky break of the day is that AAA and my parents all showed up at once. The tow guy determined that it looked like I'd broken the steering rod and he would have to tow, so mom took me to work and dad dealt with that.

Unfortunately, this leaves me car-less. I helped close the store for the night and mom picked me up.
I managed to go out Saturday night (I was feeling better) by the Grace of God. And by that I mean, Grace picked me up because she wanted to go to Mirabar. It was awesome, packed, but that just meant that everyone was there. Part of this may have been because of the power outage at Avalon in Boston.
So I crashed at my friend Brian's house that night, as I had been invited to go to the beach with a bunch of them. (A beach I'd never been to before!)

Unfortunately, I'm a lot frazzled still. I neglected to bring, y'know, anything for the trip to the beach or to establish a way of getting home. Brian lent me clothes, and my dad picked me up afterwards.
Brian and I picked up Ty at his house, and then met up with Henry and his friend (who I think is named Greg?) and then we went to the beach. There we awaited the arrival of Joel -- who I hadn't met before.
Somewhere during the day, Mike, Neil, and Eric and a bunch of others showed up and their group sort of melded into ours. Later on, a group of guys -- including two of the most spectacularly gorgeous men I have ever seen in person (who were, of course, a couple, just my luck :-P). One of them, Billy, who I got talking to...I promise you...divine. And, on top of that? Did not seem to have an attitude. What are the chances, right? So it was awesome meeting them.

We left just as they started clearing out the beach because of thunder. I'm proud to say, we had the idea first. Just sayin'. So I get home, and my sunburns are beginning to show up. So mom and my brother decide we're going to go see Live Free or Die Hard. It was awesome, I think it's my second favorite Die Hard movie (the favorite being the first one of course.) Got back home afterwards, watched The Dead Zone and then the repeat of The 4400 on USA.

So at this point, I am finally relaxing in my own bed....and observing the various burned places on my body. My feet. My shins. My arms. My shouders. My back. My abdomen. My face. Fortunately, my lower back and my ass are fine so I can at least sit down.

"If you sell your soul, at least you've made a sale"

"It's All About the Green" from The Wedding Singer -- the musical -- is quite possibly the cleverest song about greed I have ever heard. I love it. I love that whole musical, actually. But that really has nothing to do with anything, that's just me being extremely attention deficit.

Last night was insane.
First I went out, in the torrential rain, to Club XL. It was PACKED! There was a Countdown to Pride event that I had forgotten about. I didn't stay long, but I said hi to most of my friends there, including some who weren't there last time I was. Pot Pie said there were seventeen dancers working, and at first I thought "Nobody's gonna make any money!" but considering how many people were there, I can imagine that everyone made out like bandits.

So then I headed to Mirabar to meet up with Grace and another friend of mine from high school, Naseer. Also, Ryan, who I've known for a while but never met in person, came. So we were hanging out having fun and the club started to get pretty crowded too. Apparently I like to dance more than them, so I kind of stayed on the dance floor most of the night and they watched so I didn't end up spending as much time with them as I would have liked to.
The Pennsylvanian I thought I recognized was there again, so this time I grabbed a chance to talk to him. Turned out I hadn't lost my mind -- he really is who I thought he was. I ended up hanging out with him and his friend who, as it turned out I'm friends with on Myspace but hadn't met. They were in RI on a spontaneous little vacation but they left this morning.
I also met a guy named Joey. We may or may not have made out. On the dance floor. Whatever. I gave him my number, I got his. We'll see what happens there, but I'm not convinced. There was drama with his friends, and his text messages are...frequent. And occassionally clingy. I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I?
I also ended up making friends with a bartender named Jim, a guy named Justin who I went to a diner with and who is awesome. I also met some guy named Lenny who works there but I couldn't tell you what his job is.

So, I am still trying to decide where my night job this summer is going to be. I'll have something worked out soon, I'm sure.

Oh, and in other news...I have discovered (through going back to ages-old comments) that Hazzard Ahead is free to be a member of. So now I feel silly, but oh well. :P That's why I threw a Johnny Hazzard picture in here. Also I've had a string of posts with no pictures, and I feel boring and sad.

"All you gotta do is bring the house down!"

Right so....firstly, apparently I missed some comments on one of my posts forever ago -- in which someone advised me that subscription to Hazzard Ahead is free. Uhm, whooooaaaa, missed the boat on that one. Anyways, I'm now a subscriber. :)

The real news of today is this, though: Last night I went insane. Or maybe I did.

I went out clubbing with my friend Grace, who I went to high school with. She and I have gone from being attached at the hip, to less-than-secretly hating each other, to being indifferent to each other, to being like normal friends. It's been a ride, but I love the girl. She's a total homo honey. (That's a new word for me, but I love it. I'm using it as an umbrella term for all the different varieties of fag hags *except* a homobro. :P) (PS, I spend too much time on Urban Dictionary.)

Anyways, we went to Mirabar for their retro night. I have been before, but found it too crowded for my tastes. You could barely move. And, perhaps because of the company I was with, it was determined more fun could be have at another club where, y'know, it was possible to walk. Last night that was not the case -- the most fun to be had was definitely at Mirabar. I saw some friends I hadn't seen yet this summer; Josh, Michael, Joey, and a few others. Also, we got hit on. Both of us. Seperately. Her by an old guy that pretends to be gay but is actually straight, so he can pick up girls at gay bars -- so he says. Providence can be a very strange place.

" Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."

That's the fortune cookie that I got from Alexsander's blog today. It eerie because, in truth, I just had the craziest weekend yet -- and I should still be taking it easy because of my incredibly awful flu/cold/black death from this week.

Happy Chinese New Year, by the way.
And also? Happy Mardi Gras. I know it isn't til Tuesday but I have already had the most extreme Mardi Gras of my life. (Then again, usually I just go to my church's pancake supper, so I guess that's not hard to top as far as excitement goes...)

I know, I should have stayed in bed. I mean, I was just deathly ill pretty much all week.
But I also know that when my club brings in DJ Seth Gold the dancers can make TONS of money. I was not about to miss that kind of opportunity. Call me greedy, call me ambitious, call me just plain stupid....I was not missing this.

So I spent yesterday at the mall preparing for the Mardi Gras party. Cody showed up to pick up David (who was working at the mall) and myself, and off we went to dinner at Jenny's. Dave and Rob showed up shortly after us, and then Sean and Miguel came. We all sat and chatted for a while. The food was DELICIOUS!!!!!!!! There was pasta, brocolli, and chicken with this creamy white sauce....so good! For dessert that was ice cream and pecan pie. Well, mostly pecan pie but for those of us who can't have nuts... We all ate until we were stuffed. It was a GREAT dinner party, so much fun (so much FOOD!)
(The picture here is Cody, Josh, Miguel, Jenny, and David...most of the crew from dinner.)
Of course, there was a lot of jokes about the creamy white sauce (c'mon, one straight girl and seven gay men, obviously there's going to be a lot of those jokes. :-P). After dinner we chatted a while longer and then dispersed to prep ourselves for Mardi Gras.

Cody and I adjourned to his house. We made a masterpiece of my hair, got ourselves all ready, and then we were off.DJ Seth Gold always brings in a couple dancers of his own. He almost always brings in this one guy by the name of Kevin, who I met last year before either one of us had started dancing like this (as far as I know...) and, last night, he brought in a friend of mine named Austin.
And, as predicted, everybody made a TON of money. He also brought this cute blonde guy to assist him. We barely had enough room for all of us, but we made due and we worked it.

The club had purchased 45 pounds of beads for us, the drag queens, and everyone who works there to give out. Every time we got a tip, we gave a bead away (well, one for each dollar) and we also gave out glo-sticks. It was SO much fun!! I have never had so much as a club -- and considering I was in Victoria's Secret women's underwear, that's really saying something. Yes, not even the fact that I spent ten minutes stretching out my underwear in the front to keep myself from being totally squashed could dull the Mardi Gras party!!

There are MILLIONS of pictures that people took. One particularly awesome thing? Among the tons of people who I met, there was one super hot guy by the name of Matthias. He's not famous, per say, but he's not unknown. And he had photographers with him -- and he made me take SO many pictures with him. It was like the paparazzi, I swear -- and I LOVED it. Even when the club closed, and half an hour later I came out into the empty parking lot and saw him and I went over to make sure he was okay and everything, flash flash flash, more pictures!!
Anyways, I will be adding pictures to this post when I get them and I will probably make another post that's all Mardi Gras photos.

PS. I wrote a new scene. :)

You can find more pictures of the Mardi Gras party at Jenny's website!

"And the last thing he saw on this Earth was the sparkling lights of Laramie, Wyoming."

This is more like it.
You may recall last weekend was kind of dull for me, not in a bad way but it was unusual.

But before I begin, a question for discussion: do all of you talk about blogging and/or your blogosphere pals in the Real World? If so, when does the topic come up? What do you say about it? How do you refer to other bloggers? "My friend"? "This guy who's life I read about online"?
I'll give you my answers after I see a few of yours. :)

No such thing happened this time! Oh no! Last night was spectacular!
To begin with, I went to see The Laramie Project at York Senior High School -- a production which the Westboro Baptist Church was protesting. Now, I figured that the Phelps clan would be entertaining but oh, I had no idea.
First of all, two of the looneys were in the road and we almost hit them. Then we saw the signs. Some of them were exactly what we expected, gays are evil blah-blah, BUT there were some unexpected signs.
First and most hysterical among these was the sign that said "You will eat your children". At this point, I lost it completely. Hysterical. It's not even directed at anyone -- it's directed at EVERYONE. Not "Gays eat their children" or "Americans eat their children". No, you. As in, you all.
The next sign that left an impression on me was another one aimed at "you all" and not any particular group of "sinners". Oh no, it was a message to everybody. "God is your enemy" it said. So, call me crazy, but if God is the enemy...why would anybody worship Him?
Earth to Phelps, maybe you should read the signs you give your disciples to hold up and make sure they actually say what you want them to.

Anyways, we got inside to see the play and I ran into some more friends there (Jason, David, and Danny). The play was AMAZING. First of all, mostly I'm sure thanks to Fred Phelps publicity efforts (so he can do something right...), the high school's auditorium had not only sold out the thousand seats but there was at least 50 people doing the whole standing-room-only thing.
Second of all, it was absolutely the best acted high school production I have ever seen. Okay, the tech needed a little bit of work (mostly the spotlight) but it was GREAT. Astounding. If I hadn't been concerned about getting a ride to work later, I would have stayed and pitched my school's theater department to them.
The play, for those of you unfamiliar with it, is about the town of Laramie following the brutal beating of Matthew Shepard. It is basically a series of interviews, over 200 of them, combined into one theatrical masterpiece created by the Tectonic Theater Company. The play shows how the attack on Matthew Shepard disrupted an entire town, and how many people's opinions and lives were changed because of it. It shows the denial the town went through, the attempts to seperate themselves from the crime, acceptance of ownership of the crime.
It talks about Fred Phelps, which is one reason his cult goes so far out of their way to protest at its productions. He is a character in it, and he gets OWNED. By angels no less.

If you can't find a production near you I highly recommend checking out the movie or the book. The story, the entire piece, is intensely moving and something no one should miss out on.

So I hitched a ride with Jason to get to work. He stopped by his house, and then we hit up a hotel for a pre-party because some of his friends from D.C. had come up for the weekend. David came as well, in his own car, although Danny disappeared at some point between the play and this. There I discovered the friends of D.C. were actually people that I knew! Alphonso and Ryan, as it turned out, who I had met down at Apex. So, we were there for like 10 minutes and then we headed off to the club.
The club was PACKED. It was great. I made a lot of money and the crowd was actually well-behaved (except for my oh-so-shitfaced friends, but I love them anyways! :P) There was this one woman who gave me this blinking light she was wearing, just because I complimented her on it at the beginning of the night and, when she was waaaaaay drunk, she remembered that I'd said something and she gave it to me. I clipped it on my undies!

Another guy, who was a big fan, approached my holding a snap c-ring. Which he then offered me. My first thought was "Dear lord, I hope this was just randomly in his pocket!" Then he told me he wanted to see if it fit me. I told him I could go try it on. "I want to try it on you," he replied -- at which point I told him it would have to wait til after work and when work ended I left as quickly as possible so as to avoid having that...uh...tested.

We adjourned back to the hotel room where we pretty much lazed about until I decided I wanted a shower. Now, of course, I didn't think to lock the door to the bathroom. So, it really shouldn't have been a surprise when David came in a talked to me while I was getting undressed. Whoops.
Then Jason came in to tell me he was leaving. He was in there telling me he was leaving for about five minutes while I showered, which was kind of odd. More to the point, he didn't seem to remember that he'd seen everything before when we'd been in Brendan's hot tub so obviously I wasn't going to by shy about him (where as with David I'd been like pulling down my shirt to cover up). Then Alphonso came in because he wanted a shower so I scooched out and dried while he jumped in. It was interesting. Note to self: ALWAYS lock the bathroom. :P

You know, something terrific though?
Today is the one year anniversary of what is to date on the most devestating things any guy has put me through. Our break up was horrendous, scary, and all kinds of bad. But the good news? I didn't even realize that it was that day until I realized it was my friend's 22nd birthday today, and then I recalled her last birthday, at which I got totally drunk for the first time ever, which was entirely because I was flipping out over my ex-boyfriend.
So, happy birthday Lily!
And, one more time, good riddance apeface! :)

The Year in Review Part 1

To start off, I want to wish everyone a great and wonderful and glorious and joyful...

2007!!!!
Happy New Year!!!

So, here's a review of 2006 for all of you. This should be especially interesting because I hadn't started writing this blog yet.

The story really begins in 2005, so I'll give a brief overview of that...got a boyfriend, came out to my parents, things were going but beginning to get rocky. In theater news, I'd done Twelfth Night, and my first one act festival (impressing all of my professors as the Inner Man in "Double Take") at my college and had begun touring in my college's production of Pinocchio -- a script which we, the cast, had helped to write.

-I performed Pinocchio near Philadelphia...the cast is still one of the most closely bonded groups of people I ever encountered and I love them all to death no matter what. :) We celebrated New Year's Eve together (minus the couple of people that went to New York City but we love you gals anyways) and watched Blue Lagoon, my first (and last, I hope) exposure to turtle porn. :-P
(The picture is of myself and a castmate in our dressing room. I don't remember what we were doing but it sure looks bad. :-P)

-I met the boy who would soon become my second boyfriend, a nd my introduction to drag culture as he was adrag queen...(dun dun DUN!)

-I broke up with my very first boyfriend Rick shortly after New Year's Eve. I handled doing so poorly, and karma would kick my ass for breaking that wonderful guy's heart in the not-too-distant future. As much as I regret the way it happened, I don't regret doing it. It simply would never have worked.

-I invited the future boyfriend to come to a party the cast had just before we went home for the end of our winter break. He got shitfaced and I had to feed him pretzel sticks.

-On January 10th, I became official with my second ever boyfriend. This is a day that will live in infamy for my poor judgement.

-In the next month, I performed in my second one act festival as Jack Wilkins in "The Lottery". I also lost my virginity, drank for the first times, made tons of new friends (which was good because I was alienating the old ones), got into clubs for free for the first times, and attended more drag shows than I care to remember. Pinocchio was also still touring. Oh, yeah, there were some classes in there. My friends were constantly telling me how much they didn't like my new boyfriend, and I ignored them although everything they said (complaints about how he treated me, and everyone else, for instance) were completely legitimate. I managed to convince myself I was in love. The emotional abuse I was taking though, in retrospect, was incredibly unhealthy and it's no wonder I've become such a jaded bitch.
(The picture is of myself as Jack Wilkins (except with badly done make up) sitting in a chair in the green room during the Spring 2006 one act festival!)

-During the weekend before Valentines Day, the boyfriend and I broke up over a massive argument partially instigated by his friends but mostly instigated by his refusal to use condoms and my agreement to go along with it. Oh, and the fact that his ex-boyfriend was found out to be HIV+. Anyways, long story short, I got shitfaced drunk at a friend's 21st birthday party, and spent the next week holed up in my room. My three best female friends in Pennsylvania (who, combined with myself, make up the Quad) and my roommate kept me company. Meanwhile, the entire rest of the school, including people I'd never met, were outraged that someone had hurt me so badly. I would later hear from an uncountable number of people that if the ex ever set foot on our campus they would beat him dead. I can't say I objected.
(The Quad is pictured here, although the picture is from much later in the year.)

-On Valentine's Day, I emerged from my room for the only time other than meals and classes that week to go to an anti-V-Day get together with some very close friends. While I was there, the ex drunk dialed me. Next, my mom called say hi and to let me know that my dad was in the hospital after mysteriously passing out at one of his rehearsals. It was not a good night.

-I entered what we called "the Ricochet" phase. Although I didn't have any actual sex until my first HIV test came back negative, I definitely earned a reputation as a slut during this time.

-As a scheme for revenge against the ex, I entered the Mr. Shimmer 2006 pageant. I lip synced the song "Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang for my talent, and I came in second out of three. That was all I needed to be triumphant though, the contestant my ex was helping out came in third. Both other contestants became part of the Ricochet as well, and believe me that was going to complicate things further down the line. After the pageant, some of my formerly alienated friends and I ate at the diner near our campus and the event will live on in infamy for the rest of our lives.
(Left: Me performing "Bad Touch". This picture is probably the most popular of the pictures from the pageant, but there's plenty on Facebook. Right: Me at the diner showing off my lovely lady lumps...I guess.)

-April Fool's Day came around. My roommate Shawn set forth a challenge betting various people on the floor that they couldn't prank him, so when he went out for the night we moved his bed, closet, dresser, desk, computer, and all the rest of his furniture and belongings out into the dorm's lounge and set up a bedroom for him there. That same night I met Cody, and asked him to dance. Later, I not-so-gracefully slipped my phone number in his jacket pocket. When I came back from the club, Shawn had gotten his revenge. My bed had been dismantled and placed in two neat piles with the matress leaning up against the wall. All of my drawers were in a pile on the floor. Too tired to do anything about it, I put the matress on the floor and went to bed -- but not before getting a text message from Cody. He and I hung out the next day.
(There's really no explanation for the picture on the left. It's from March, I like it. :-P On the right is a very bad picture of me at the club, and Cody's arm behind me. :-P)

-And so began the Cody saga, a tale of the two of us toeing the line of dating for months. Finally, after I'd gone home for the summer, we gave up, had a massive fight, and then settled on being best friends.

-The school's theater club went on a trip to New York City, which I almost missed thanks to clubbing the night before! I spent the time with some of my Pinocchio cast mates (the show was still touring, by the way), and my other theater friends, and a very sore throat I thought nothing of. We had tickets to see two shows, I was with the half of the group that went to see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and I feel absolutely in love with the show.
(Two of my friends and I at the restaurant we had lunch at that day! The guy really isn't creepy, I promise! :-P)

-During the Cody saga, I made an excursion into the realm of group sex with my two friends Chris and Matt. I also entertained the possibility of a relationship with my friend Adam, but quashed that idea fairly quickly.

-Also, there was A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. I decided to co-stage manage. It was a nightmare on it's own, but tech week was the worst. I woke up to a phone call, our lead actress (who was also one of my best friends) had had her appenix burst. Tech week was littered with other (less severe) injuries, but the show went off without a hitch except for a couple nosebleeds.
(One of our actors posing while his character talks about erotic pottery...)

I'm going to pass out for a bit. As soon as I wake up, I'll finish up with part 2!

"You've got so much to do and only so many hours in a day..."

So my weekend, which was crazy as per usual, began early. It began on Thursday night, and what an adventure it was!

You see, Brendan, Cody, Jason, and Josh were planning on visiting Club Apex in Washington D.C. I had not planned on going with, because of Friday's road trip back to Rhode Island.
But I ended up having a very frustrating day on Thursday and I decided that, since every plan I'd set out for that day had been screwed up and twisted in a way that was not fun...I was going to screw up one of my plans in a fun way. And I was going to be spontaneous.

So, 7:30 Thursday night, not a thing packed for the return to RI, I jumped into Cody's red convertible (not as hot as it sounds, trust me. :P) and we left for York. We picked up Josh, and flew down the roads to Maryland to meet up with Brendan. We piled into Brendan's sleek and silver BMW series five (which is plenty hotter than it sounds) and headed down to D.C. where we going to meet up with Jason -- and Chris, who dances with me on weekends!
We went to Soho, which was right near the club, and got food and coffee. I myself got a White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake which is pretty much heavenly/orgasmic. Not even kidding, try it some time.
So, then we went to Club Apex. I made some new friends -- three. Two of whom I look forward to seeing next time we go down to Apex. Cody also took a video on his camera...if you look closely, you can see me occassionally when the light is right. I was dancing right in front of him, a little to the right, though sometimes I'm definitely dead center in front of the camera. Thankfully, Cody is taller than me so you can still see stuff. :P
(The picture is of Josh and I.)

Now, I really can't tell you what the point of taking videos inside a club is because you can't see anything...but hey, since it's there, I figured I might as well post it! :P

We got back from D.C. at six in the morning. I set my alarm for 10:30, packed in an hour (I'm discovering now I didn't bring enough clothes that I like to wear out...oh well. I'll do a lot of laundry. :P), slept til 11:30, threw my stuff in the car, got Meghan, said my good-byes....
And then by 12:30 we were off. I drove for a while, we switched when we got to New Jersey. She drove til Connecticutt, and then I drove the rest of the way. We got to my house at around 7:30 that night. Pretty good, since it's an 8 hour train ride and we'd had to brave rush hour near New Haven.

So, I powernapped -- exhausted, and then I was off. I'd gotten a spontaneous invite (well, okay, he sent out a myspace bulletin asking if anyone wanted to go with him) to a party his friends were having. So, I went and met Scott in Providence.
...and I drank more than I should have.
And I think I annoyed Scott. Which, well, I guess he doesn't like me drunk. Oh well, it's not like it happens with any frequency.
But...I made some new friends!

I left there at about 5, got home at 5:30, and slept. Then I woke up and proceeded to get ready for a Christmas party my friends Big Bill, Little Bill, and Chris were hosting. Even though I ended up two hours late (thanks to my mom :P), it was a great time. And, following the theme for the weekend, I made new friends! Most importantly though, I caught up with old ones. And then I stayed to help clean up, and then I went and found out that no matter whether or not where I parked was legal...I didn't get a ticket. :P

Today was interesting because an old friend of my parents came by. You see, my brother and my existence hinged entirely on this person's behavior when he was sixteen. My parents spent a year raising him in his mother's stead.
Apparently, he's also gay and has been with his partner for 14 years. How impressive and inspiring is that? It does happen! :D

"Gays of Our Lives"

My life is sometimes compared to a soap opera. I won't lie, sometimes it seems like it would make a good TV show. Most of the time though, I laugh at those jokes.
Not so much this weekend. This weekend has been very, very soap operatic.

Craig seems to be warm for my form* again, so that's good news. I know, every time I post it's hot or cold, but at least right now....all's well that's going well for the time-being. :-P

This weekend was...WOW. I went to work Friday, and brought two dear friends of mine who were fully intending on getting shitfaced. And oh boy did they ever!
When we got into the car to go home (this is after the bouncer Nelson helped me bring them to the car in the first place) the vomiting started. We'd been smart and brought bags. But that was when my number one fan, also drunk, decided that he should get in the passenger seat of the car next to me and try to convince me to go home with him. Now, he's like seventy, so I was pretty much like "Pop your Viagra, get a facelift or six, and come back fifty years ago. Then we'll talk." For a number one fan, he hadn't even tipped me that night, so I decided if he kept it up he was going to become my number one restraining order.
My friends vomited the entire hour ride back to school. They were still vomiting for a good long while after we got them into the dorm that I was dropping them off in.

Needless to say, I slept most of Saturday after a night like that.
Then I headed on over to the mall to get my car fixed (as I've been driving on a spare since I blew a tire two weeks ago). They had the tire. They had the rim. They were all ready to stick on my car. "Fifteen minutes," they said, "Stick around."
So I stuck around.
One hour I stuck around. I was not pleased.

So, just by sad coincidence, I was supposed to be at the theater exactly when that hour ended. So I called my stage manager for my one act and professed my profound apologies at the incompetence of the Tires Plus people. Not incompetence -- lack of time management skills.

The one acts went marvelously, and then went and struck the set. I left strike early, and went to go get ready for work. So I'm mildly shocked when Cody gives me a call and asks for Jason's number.
Now, how had he missed the little game or whatever it was where Jason refuses to give me his number and totally toys with me and my gullibility over this? C'mon now, let's be real. So I say no, and ask why.
Well, what was going on was Josh's own personal issues so I won't go into them but let me just say that this kind of shit belongs on television, not in real life. End of discussion. Get me a camera crew if this gonna keep up.

So I got to work and Cody called me to let me know that Josh was okay and safe. Cody had been out looking for Josh for at least forty-five minutes and he stayed with him until Josh's parents arrived. Then Cody came out to XS because of something else major going out:
Our friend from last school year, David, had disappeared in June when he started dating this MAJOR creepy asswad. They broke up (I think) last week, and David was just now coming back to us. Like when a character comes back to life in a TV show. It was very exciting, very good. He's shaved his head...but, hey, whatever works for him. He has a nice car now so that's an improvement. :-P
I also made a few new friends, although I didn't manage to get all their numbers so I'm hoping they'll be back for the big party that is next Saturday!

The three of us crashed at a friend of David's place. Cody slept on the floor, and David and I tried to share the couch but that wasn't so much happening. Noting my discomfort, the friend invited me to sleep in his bed with him. He warned me he was a cuddler.
Cuddling, however, led to shirt-removal, which led to making out....you know where I'm going with this. It meant nothing, it really was nothing. Just a hook-up. So incredibly just a hook-up, that it is the most hook-uppiest hook-up I have ever hooked. Which I think I'm oddly okay with, although I do feel kind of like a slut.

Today, Cody and I hung out. He brought me Oreos. Big mistake. I've been battling my addiction to those cookies and for three weeks I've not had any in the room. He brought two packages. He's a friggin' enabler. These are normal ones, but next thing you know...it's Double Stuf. Then it's the chocolate covered, or peanut butter, or caramel, or white fudge, or the funky red-cream holiday ones! And then before you know it, I'm back to spending all of my money on Oreos and not on important things!


*Credit for this phrase goes to my fabulous friend Mel!

"I can hardly stand the thrill..."

So after I went and got my underwear and got ready for work on Saturday, I got in my car and headed for the club.

And then, after a rather sharp (and badly handled) turn on a back road I have to drive on, the rattling started. Thudthudthudthudthudthud. The car vibrated, worse and worse as I kept driving. Moronic as I am, I kept driving.

Finally, on a straight stretch of highway that I didn't realize was actually a bridge until I had already pulled over, I stopped to see what the hell was going on.
I had blown a tire. I'm thinking "Great, this is an omen...tonight's gonna suck, I shouldn't go!"

But instead, I called Cody to see where he was. He was at Josh's house, which is not too far from the club (and I was like a ten-fifteen minute drive from the club) and, since Josh works for AAA, they heroically came to my rescue.

I got to the club an hour late. And made $20 more than I had made Friday night -- that's sixty bucks. There were some interesting anecdotes I would share, if the rest of the weekend weren't also such a saga! They include being forced off my box by a nearly comatose, utterly oblvious, drunk fat man who thought he should strip, and having a guy who refused to tip try to lick whipped cream off of me (I pretty much just shoved the whipped cream in his face instead...customer service may not be my strong suit when I'm not getting money :-P)
(The picture is of myself, the other go-go boys and a drag queen. From left to right: Eddie, the Baltimore drag queen Vanity Star, Mike, and Chris.)

Anyways, I realized later in the night that I had forgotten my overnight bag for the rest of the weekend's adventures...
At the end of the night, Cody, Josh, and I convinced Jason to come on down to Maryland with us for a shopping spree with our friend Brendan (who is quite wealthy). He agreed, and Cody told him it would be better if we left my car at the club (to avoid extra driving on the spare that got put on) and if he drove.
Jason, as it turns out, is a really awesome and super cool and very interesting guy, I'm glad we're becoming friends! He's even able to get me to have a conversation in a car, which for some reason is the only place I'm usually quiet.

So, we got to Brendan's very nice house and he showed us around and then, lo! He opens a fridge full of gourmet-to-go, which we devoured a lot of. Jason and I then provided a bit of unforgettable comic relief:
Jason: "If we eat before we go in the hot tub, won't we get cramps?"
Me: "Only if you're planning on swimming in the...hot tub."
Okay, maybe it is forgettable, but I still remembered so I wrote it down here anyways. :-P

As you might have guessed, we all got swim suits (Jason and I borrowing some of Brendan's) and jumped into the hot tub. Well, not jumped, but you know what I mean.
It wasn't long before Jason announced he was the first one -- and tossed his swim suit onto the side of the hot tub. The rest of us followed suit. We spent a good long time all just chilling in hot tub and it was awesome to be so comfortable around all the guys.
Then, Jason and I both being wiped out, we decided to go to bed. We pushed together the two twin beds in the guest room to make a bed that could fit all four of us with a fair amount of ease. Jason and I got into the bed and started to doze off....when Josh and Cody jumped on us!!! They stayed up a while talking loudly and obnoxiously and then I was asleep and Lord knows what else happened.

The next day we went shopping!! Our friends Adam and Jeff joined us as well. Brendan insisted on paying for everything...and we collectively cost him $1500 dollars!!! WOW! He's one of the most generous guys I have ever met, and he didn't seem to mind much at all.

Then we returned to Brendan's abode and we all ended up having a nap. Or, I did.
Now, I don't intend to talk about sex much on this blog but this was so bizarre for me that I just have to say. You see, all four of us (Cody, Jason, Josh, and I) are laying down on this fold-out couch bed in Brendan's basement while Adam, Brendan, and Jeff danced upstairs (I think they were doing that anyways.)
Now, I'm having kinda weird, pretty sexual dreams. Which, y'know, that happens sometimes. Except, when I woke up my hand was in Josh's pants. His hand was on mine. Josh is my best friend Cody's boyfriend. I sat bolt upright and was like "Wha?" only then noticing exactly how turned on I seemed to be. Cody, meanwhile is laughing. Jason too is awake. Everyone's turned on, but fully dressed.
Apparently, this sort of psuedo-fooling around had been going on for a while, and I'd been asleep for most of it. I woke up in the middle. I guess I was participating despite being asleep? What the hell, I miss all this good stuff. :-P

After that little...episode, we went upstairs, ate, and then had to leave so I could get to a meeting for work at abercrombie in time. I made it, and have been ridiculously busy ever since.

Tonight, I went out to the club to party on their 18+ night. It was pretty dead, but I think that's mostly because people are planning on going out to their HUUUGE pre-Thanksgiving party tomorrow night.

Now, I'm packing for the eight hour train ride I have ahead of me tomorrow to get home for the holidays. Craig and I are talking like we used to, so now I'm not so sure...could we go back to being more than just friends? I think so, he's acting like he does too. Is it a good idea to try again? Certainly we'll lay out different ground rules this time if we try...like how there will be no lunch dates!

(The pictures of me dancing are totally not the best pictures of me, but whatever, they'll do. :-P)

"But remember what they really want is...me!"

Wow, tonight is surreal.

After our final dress rehearsal for the show, a bunch of us went to go eat ice cream at our local on-campus, non-cafeteria eatery.
Well, my phone rang while we were there, so I answered it. It was my friend Sara, who is roommates with my castmate Katlyn. The conversation was weird enough.
"Hey, Graham, are you out of rehearsal yet?"
"Yeah, we're just eating ice cream."
"Is Katlyn with you?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, you remember that crazy guy they e-mailed us about yesterday? The one following girls around?"
"Yes..."
"They just found him in a bush, and they can't catch him."
"Oh. Really? Oh. Okay." At this point I have this mental picture of this gangly old guy running very cartoonishly away from clumsy, stooge-esque cops.
"Can you walk back with her?"
"Sure."

So, I come back to my dorm and discover that a friend of mine from home has written on her Livejournal -- about identifying her cat's body at the pound. I have so many good memories growing up around this cat. So many inside jokes. I mean, my friend and I...all we have to say is "You don't like bubbles" and we bust up laughing. Or even funnier..."Bye kitty!" The jokes make no sense to anyone but us, and they lose a *lot* in the retelling so I won't even try. Just, take my word for it. They're funny.
Bye kitty takes on a whole new meeting all of a sudden though.

"No, it don't make sense that the sun can still burn down..."

I'm sure I'd seen her, but I hadn't spoken to her. I didn't know her.

We had some friends in common. Facebook says we had 35 friends in common, but we probably had more than that, knowing this campus. We were even in some Facebook groups together -- like "I Give Sass" (which she had just joined).
But I didn't know her.

She worked here, she learned here, she ate here, she lived here. She went for a run this afternoon, and now she doesn't do any of that anymore.

My best friend and, currently, my stage manager knew her. That was tough to see. She's bubbly, she's always happy, always smiling. I didn't see even the corner of her mouth turn up all rehearsal -- all four hours I was there -- even at the funny bits. She sat there, arms crossed. There is nothing like that to make someone feel horribly helpless.

Another friend of mine, Dawn, one of the few lesbians I talk to regularly (not that I have anything against lesbians in general, I just can't stand most of the ones I know...) and one of the strongest girls I know, was on the track team with the girl. I saw her and another friend of ours just after their team meeting. I went to catch up with Dawn and our friend and give her a hug, cause it was pretty obvious the whole team was really upset. Dawn turned around, and I almost lost it.
She had that face, the only facial expression I know of that's more depressing, more upsetting, than seeing someone cry. When the eyes fill with water, but they just won't leak. The jaw is stiff, the mouth is in this twisted version of a determined smile. You can't tell if they're trying not to cry or if they're beyond tears. That was Dawn's face.

No one really knows what happens, except that she was here, she went for a run, and now she's gone. There's speculation, rumors, there's the cold hard facts of the investigation which I won't go into because aside from making it even easier to stalk me than I have already made it...they're pretty gruesome.

I didn't know her. But it feels kinda like I did.

EDIT: Sorry, but I don't think there'll be a pretty person this week.

Oh, what a night!

Tonight was great. I loved it.

First, I went to see The Departed with my family, which I'll write up a whole review on tomorrow, but I can't think of anything negative to say about it so it will probably be fairly dull. My brother came down from Boston just to see me! Which is exciting...but makes me wonder what he wants. :-P

Anyways, then I went out to Club Energy tonight. It was a good night -- not as many of my old friends as I had hoped, but I did see Kyle, Billy (who doesn't hate me, which yay, and that's a story for another time), Bill, Eric, and.....John and Kenny!!! That was super exciting. Now, don't get me wrong. I love all my friends from the clubs, but of them all the three I love the most are Neil, Kenny, and John. Not necessarily in that order (although sometimes, I suppose, yes). I feel very much at home, safe and comfortable, with any of the three of them.

One thing I've realized in the past year is that home isn't a place, it's a feeling. And like all feelings, it's brought about by the people around you. Those three...they're like some of the beams in the walls of my house. They hold up the roof above me, shield me from the worst of the world's weather...and in return I try to keep the termites from eating them. (Okay, shut up, it's four in the morning...at least I tried to be deep!)

Anyways, I really enjoyed hanging out with John and Kenny tonight. I met some new people too -- Domenic, Garia (who is fabulous), some Boston girl who's name I forget (I'm *sure* Kenny can tell me, he was all excited), Josh, and another Josh. It was a good time for all! Yeah, Kenny kept like elbowing me and going "I LOVE it! She's from Eastie!" and "I can't STAND it! She's an Eastie!" in his crazy, uniquely-Kenny-way of being excited when he talks. That's something I miss in PA, no one is quite that Kenny-crazy that's so amazing.

John (being John and therefore intelligent) was smart and went and got his and Kenny's jackets while that was going on so he neither had to listen to twenty minutes of Boston-craziness (:-P) and they didn't have to freeze their nips off.

Also, no one will ever convince me that Providence is not one of the greatest cities on Earth. It's not NYC, that's for damn sure...but's pretty amazing none-the-less.

Graham makes a frowny face...

Ah boy.

Boy-Anthony, my boyfriend, who as of yet has not been able to have that serious talk we need to have about his trust issues, is ill. He has strep throat (the germs of which are the picture to the left), mono, and tonsilitis.

But I'm not with Anthony. I am in Rhode Island. And, as I imagined, things here are not pretty with the group of people from this summer. I mean, I imagine Michael and Kyle are fine. And, hey, Matt's fine (now) as well, from the sounds of it.

Meanwhile, I've heard nothing from Kenny or John in about a week. I've seen them online, but they haven't replied to me at all. Chris, Bill, and Bill are still disappeared -- which may be for the best. And Linda...oh, who knows?
And then there's Boy-Neil. He's amazing, amazing, amazing. I'm so hung up on him. But he sometimes makes the worst, most self-destructive decisions, for which I hate him. There's so much potential in him.
But can it ever be a good idea to at the age of 18 get engaged to someone you've only known for maybe two months? I don't think so. Maybe I'm jealous here, maybe I'm overprotective of my friends...mostly, I think, I'm just concerned he's making a huge mistake.

And that pretty much makes me miserable.

"Because of what you do..."

Last night was a harrowing experience, in a way. I'm gonna make this as brief as possible.

One of my friends' girlfriend broke up with him recently. He was in love with her, and I guess it came with some not-for-the-better changes in her character. So, anyways, I guess she told him to kill himself. He decided to go for it. He cut his wrist and his neck.

...While he was talking to me online. So I freaked out and made him call me. Fortunately, because I had no idea what to do, some of my friends that live on my floor with me are ginormous insomniacs so they helped me deal. We put Xander on the phone to tell him how to stop the bleeding (which we did). Meanwhile, we called 911 (telling him we were calling a helpline for tips to help deal with the cuts...) and gave them his phone number (since we didn't know where he was or his last name -- I'm bad with last names). In twenty minutes, Massachusetts cops had arrived.

Of course, by then someone had come home drunk and helped him clean up, and he wasn't bleeding anymore. So he was able to convince the cops he was fine, so they left.
Except that as I was getting ready for bed I get an IM from someone who is apparently living with him. They discovered he had an out-standing warrant (for a traffic fine he didn't pay, as I recall) so they came back and arrested him. That was the last I heard.

Oh boy.

"I console myself that Hallmark cards are true, I really do..."

So, in first news: I have definitely only *just* gone back to see if I have any comments on any posts. I was delighted to find that I did -- which means I actually have readers! You're not just imaginary people! That has made my day in ways that you don't even know. So, I would like to thank Heather of Thoughts from the Void and Pete Ross, our very own Porn Rebel, for lighting up this dark and dreary day.

Now, I'm about to expose to you all just how incredibly jaded I am. This is something I usually try to keep hidden, but I tend to be highly distrustful of men. And, as per usual, when I let down that guard I have and actually date someone, it turns out I'm just being an idiot.
Now as some of you know, I've been a little more than unsure of my relationship (if you can call it that) with Boy-Anthony. I did, last night, confirm that I'm just second-guessing myself and I do actually like him. Unfortunately, this occurred because I was so upset with him.

You see, he had told me that he was going to go to a club, that he'd called off work, probably in Philly. That's fine. I had a birthday party I had to go to.
While I'm at the party, he calls and lets me know he's on my campus. I told him I wasn't on campus, but I would be back in a couple hours and I would call him. When I returned to campus I called him -- three times. He did not answer, he did not call back. So I just sort of chilled in my dorm room. I'm listening to (surprise, surprise) Savage Garden when suddenly I hear a knock on my door. Loud, frantic knocking. And then someone going "Graham, Graham!" So I stop the music, and open the door to find two of the guys on my floor -- both drunk, standing there.
"Anthony says it's over!" one of them says.
"Yeah, some guy said it."
"He said something about you don't know how to make a phone call. Or answer your phone!"
Okay, so I get that Boy-Anthony's probably shitfaced, but sending people up three flights of stairs to tell me this instead of doing it himself? That on its own would piss me off. But that lame excuse of phone calls too? Call me Livid.
So I called him, and he called back a few minutes later. No idea what the two guys were talking about. But then again, he can barely remember his own name, he's that drunk. He tells me to meet him at the diner with some of his friends.

I get to the diner, and I'm doing the good boyfriend thing. He couldn't read the menu, so I ordered for him -- exactly what he wanted (well, he didn't want the water I made him drink...). I helped him stand up when he didn't feel like sitting. I put up with him telling me to "Fuck off" over and over and over whenever I wanted him to sit down or drink his water.
And I'm not mad when he tells me he made out with a cute girl tonight, cause you know what? At least he's telling me. I agree with Darren Hayes, "I believe trust is more important than monogamy". When I mention that, Boy-Anthony also mentions "I might have done something with a boy tonight, but I don't remember." I'm still not mad, he's being honest.

And then he gets pissed at me. He gets mad at me because of two things: 1) I won't do anything with him while he's drunk. That's part of my rule, either both parties are sober or both parties are drunk when sexual acts occur. If both parties are drunk, then it's either something they both want or its a mutual not-thinking-straight. If both parties are sober, you know they both want it. There's no danger of taking advantage of someone.
2) He's mad because apparently he heard from two drunk people who don't even know me that I'm fucking some guy at my school. Which, I'm not. I don't even know who they're talking about. Then Boy-Anthony makes insinuations about myself and my friend Cody, who I *almost* dated at one point but we're both very much over each other. I was just like "Yeahno." But that pissed me off -- he's the one doing shit with other people, and he's pissed at me? He has that little trust in me? How can you date someone you have no trust for?

I told him I would call him today. I haven't. But I should. Probably now-ish.
But, hey, I've had a good rant.

Thanks again for the comments, they really did cheer me up! :)

"I wish you were a stranger I could disengage..."

I've been doing some thought lately. I've come up with some rather poor aliases for various people involved in these thoughts as well, and I think I shall start to use them.

It's kind of put me in a foul mood lately... sometimes thinking does that.

(<---Graham on a bad day, unshaven, and giving someone the good old West Virginia.) I've been thinking about Rhode Island. I've been thinking about Arcadia. I've been thinking about school. I've been thinking about Boy-Sheetz (the boy I met last Saturday). I've been thinking about monogomy. I've been thinking about clothes. I've been thinking entirely too much.

As far as Rhode Island goes...I'm a little more at-ease. I just talked to my good friend Sundance, finally. He says he hasn't heard from anyone from this summer lately either. I know at least Business-Man and Crazy-Man are alive thanks to MySpace, so that's nice. In the meantime, however, I'm still hung up on a boy (Boy-Dancer) who, for some reason, neither answers his phone or returns phone calls. I also know that there's some kind of drama going down, and I do not know the details. So I'm still concerned, very concerned even. And I am at a complete loss for what to do about it. Any thoughts?

In a way this all leads into the thoughts about Boy-Sheetz. I'm actually, and this is terrible and I feel like the most awful human being, not really that into him. Definitely not as into him as he is into me. I mean, don't get me wrong -- he's cute, he's nice, he makes me smile. All good qualities in a boyfriend. But I feel like we've jumped the gun here -- going home from the club together to boyfriends is skipping a couple steps, isn't it? Also, I honestly don't know if I feel like I want monogamy right now.
No, that's wrong. I do want monogamy, I just want it with someone who doesn't want it with me -- Boy-Dancer. Dilemma!! So what I need now is a nice, easy-let-down for Boy-Sheetz. I'm thinking "I just don't think I'm in a good place to be in a relationship right now" is probably my best bet, and it is even the truth!

Then we get to Arcadia and to school. I remember when I enjoyed college. I even didn't mind that the theater department owned my soul.
Now, at this point, I am spending entire nights, when I should be doing work for my classes (which I'm actually struggling in) in the theater so I can say "Yes, sir." three or four times. And I can't even act those lines because every time I make some kind of character choice, DirectorSev tells me I'm wrong. "You're old!" he says -- to which I respond, "Not according to the script." But, y'know, Stoppard only wrote it what did he know...
And what they seem to have in mind for my hair and such? Do they realize I'm a butler from 1809 in a wealthy enough household that Lord Byron stayed there, that they could afford to have frequent hunting trips and a private tutor and have their garden entirely relandscaped? What they are having me look like is woefully inaccurate, and it makes me cringe. The entire show is making my cringe at this point. And more than that -- it's making my grades suffer. I am writing this now because I have just finished a project I could have spent all weekend on instead of all Sunday night if my weekend (during the day, I have way more trouble concentrating at night, although I forced myself into it tonight) hadn't been utterly monopolized by the theater department.

As far as clothes go...the fact is, I need more money. All of my jeans are 28/30, and I'm a 26/30, but you can't find those affordably anywhere. So the answer is clearly that I must be rich as quickly as I can.

"I just can't get enough of that stuff..."

One major important thing about me? My friends are absolutely, completely amazing.
Okay, maybe that's about my friends. But whatever. It's still true.

Now, moving on. The real reason for this post is that I have found the divine, cure-all medicine. I think, anyways. Since I wasn't suffering any ailments when I began "treating myself", this could all be a load of crock.

Now, when I began, I felt fine. 98% fine, I'd say. 2% blah.
So I got into my bed, laid down in an awkward yet oddly comfortable position (okay, I so, I was pretty much upside down, my feet up on the ladder, since our beds are bunked, and my head at the foot of my bed with no pillows there). I got my bag of Tostitos, my bottle of Tropicana Twister Strawberry Kiwi Cyclone and then I started playing Savage Garden.
(Product placement? Nah....)

I would say I'm about 115% fine now. That's quite a jump, especially since it surpasses 100%. Right now, I'm so fine that it's a mathematical impossibility.
...I think. I'm in the lowest level math course our college offers, so it might be completely possible, but I wouldn't know. Either way, I don't care. Because I have something no mathematician can ever have -- contentment. I'm not trying to prove Kermit's Last Theorum or whatever. I'm just listening to Darren Hayes sing what he believes in "Affirmation"...even if I do disagree with some of those beliefs.
And wonder how someone thought these lyrics would make a good song. I mean, it IS a good song but why someone would ever think of putting these words into a song is beyond me.