Soooooo...about that diner guy, right?
I'm gonna guess he thinks I'm a retard but he seems to think Tyler's a catch. I'm just going to bite my tongue now, because it seems my despising Tyler is now being viewed as out-of-line. Since he's friends with my friends, I apparently must be nice for more than just the promise time for Amanda's birthday.
Honestly, I think drinking bleach would be healthier, but if it keeps everybody happy....

Or, wait, no. If I do things to keep people happy at the sacrifice of my own happiness, then the point of me dating my ape-faced, emotionally abusive, evil ex-boyfriend and the point of everything I went through in high school is totally lost. So what the solution here is, I'm not real sure. One thing's sure: bleach will taste like crap, so that is not an option.

In happier news, I've knocked down two exams and I think I did quite well. I've also gotten my stitches out and have much better use of my left arm now. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The doctor even said, when I asked, that if I thought I could drive, I should, so long as I'm not on pain medication. Which means, I can drive places that aren't parties or clubs because those are places where I need to be medicated for the jostling that I'm going to go through.

Hindsight is 20/20...

I'm as I write this, in process of getting ready for the show/in the show but offstage. It may be a little disjointed, as thus.

So, given some time to distance me from last night I can see a few spots where I was a little unreasonable. That doesn't mean I'm not still feeling done, and furious with most of the parties involved...however, I do owe some apologies and while those have been made to the individuals they should be expressed to, I feel like I should put them up here as well.

There was a lot, of my last post especially, that was not cool. Okay, I was still angry when I wrote it. That is not, however, an excuse for some of what I wrote. Yes, it was my perspective and it was (mostly) events that happened in my life. Still, I was offensive in the post and for that I apologize. I did share details that didn't need to come into play in the blog post. That was rotten of me, and I apologize for that as well.
Also, I should have asked for clarification, I suppose, on Michael's final text message. It did seem pretty clear to me, but Michael does state -- because yes, we talked a little today. As it turns out, he meant his final text as more of a "it's 3 am, I'm going to bed" kind of way.
And yes, I talked to Tyler a little today as well. Not in a "let's repair our friendship" kind of way, but more of a "this is what happened, this is how I feel about it" kind of way. It's a start, I suppose.

And ps, subtle hint, I'd still like answers to any and all unanswered questions. Hopefully, I'll talk to ya'll later.

The things you say....you're unbelievable

Well, the boy drama has finally come to a head and is absolutely, for real, finally finished now. I'm going to write all about it -- from my perspective of course (and those involved are more than welcome to leave comments with their versions written out should they so choose). I realize this is the sort of post that tends to get me in trouble with people, but you know what? I officially don't care. :)

Last night, Tyler and I had a long conversation because I had been hearing things that went absolutely against the things he had been telling me about the whole situation that had arisen around Michael. He had been assuring me that he and Michael would just be friends, and I was hearing from multiple sources that he kept saying how unfair I was being and how impossible what I was asking was.
Now, I have trust issues and he knows that. So I told him that Thursday night as XS he would be given the chance to SHOW me that he and Michael were just friends. I told him they could not make out, all kissing (period) should remain on the cheeks -- if there had to be any. I told him I didn't want them to be alone for long periods of time. Maybe I was being unfair, but as I said to Tyler, who in this whole situation has been being fair to me either?
(Of course, Tyler insisted that he'd been fair since the very beginning but...you know, I didn't quite see it that way and he didn't really give any examples of that.)

So we were fine. We even went shopping together today. (And by shopping, I mean, I drove him so he could buy a shirt.) I also planned to drive him to his orientation for his summer job on Sunday (which I will still do unless he decides he wants another ride. I don't back down on things I say I'll do, even if shit has hit the fan and things suck ass.)

So, we get to XS tonight -- Amanda, Brighid, Tyler, and I. We meet up with a few of our friends and of course run into some by surprise (though Dylan -- who is straight -- was totally the biggest surprise of all! But yay for him being there!) Of course, Michael was there. And as soon as he joined our group, he and Tyler were basically attached at the hip. Which I didn't take issue with. Nor did I take issue with their almost constant dancing together or little bit more than friendly hand placement while doing so. (Okay, I'm kinda kidding -- I only noted hand placement like twice and it was not because I was watching their hands, I'm not that obsessive.) The first time the two disappeared off together, I was a little concerned. Especially because they took off, not like we left them. But I let it slide.
The second time they were alone together, I let it slide -- though not as easily.
The third time they took off to be alone, I was a lot less comfortable. Especially because it lasted much much longer than the other times -- around a half hour. On one occassion, when I was going to talk to Dylan, I passed by the room. I glanced in at the two of them on the couch -- of course. To my dismay, Tyler looked like he was moving away from Michael. Both had their hands raised, Michael's bent over his head. Tyler was in the middle of lowering his from what looked like the same position. To me that body language read: "We just made out!"

I fully intended to confront Tyler about this once the club closed. No such luck, as he found out rather quickly that I was upset. He exploded at me, denying that they had made out and claiming he'd done nothing wrong. That may be the truth, but here's the question:
If you knew you had a good friendship that was basically resting on one night, would you or would you not make an effort to keep that friendship?
Cause I wasn't seeing any effort on his part. Honestly, and I told Tyler this, if he'd asked me to lay off of a guy that I liked and who liked me, I would have. Without any hesitation. Isn't that part of being someone's best friend?

I texted Michael following this and apologized, saying that I had wanted to avoid it all that night. Truthfully, I had. He replied with a texting say he was too old for high school drama bullshit. (Which, while quite valid, was a tiny bit funny because Brendan mentioned that Michael's also been talking to a high school senior.) I said that I knew he was, and apologized again, and then -- finally working up the nerve, or possibly being royally pissed off enough -- I asked him if I could ask him a few questions before he never spoke to me again. For a long while there was no answer, so I sent another text that said I guessed that meant no and I hoped he had a good night. Then I got a reply: "What do you want to know?"
I narrowed my list of questions I didn't have enough spine to ask down to two: "Why don't you answer Amanda's texts?" and "What did I do, if anything, to make you stop being interested?" I clarified that the second question was merely for the sake of self-improvement -- although I expected that closure would help in the moving on process.
His response was that Amanda had only texted him once (though he'd never answered and she'd assumed this was a hint.) Then he said, and I'm quoting this directly from my phone: "secondly why the fuck are you so determined to control everyone's lives? its super irritating and im done with it"
Well, thanks, Michael, but I really didn't feel like I was controlling you before this Tyler thing arose (and even then, I was only trying to control one thing about one aspect of Tyler's life because it affected my life). So I asked for clarification: "How was i trying to control your life?"
His response: "Enough..i would prefer if we didnt talk for a while" Yeah, he's a charmer.
Frustrated, upset, and now even more pissed because I was being dropped by Michael again, I sent what may have been one of my meanest text messages ever. Possibly uncalled for, and I should probably apologize for it later, but it legit did make me feel better: "Don't answer. Nice of you to still leave me hanging. That does seem to be something you're good at. Have a good however long a while is then. Bye."

Bottom line is: I don't give a rat's ass anymore and those two can do whatever they want. I'm done with them both.

I don't know what I would do without this blog. I'm so much calmer right now, having written this all out, that I can even imagine sleeping tonight!!

"Do you understand a case like this can break you?"

The Next Best Thing is, in many ways, a seriously wise movie. (The title there is a line from it.)

I'm gonna start with the drama so you can get the amaaaaaaazing news to end the post.
The Michael stuff wasn't over Thursday night. I'm mean, it's all okay now, it's been dealt with and everyone is fine, but if I'm going to keep ya'll up to date you should know it happened.
So, Friday, Tyler and I talked about it more. I got him to agree to just be friends with Michael -- at least for now, until I move on more than I have. I also talked to Michael and he said he understood where I was coming from.

Saturday night we had the show, it was fantastic. Instead of going to the cast party, I went to American Eagle for work. We were there straight through til 6:00 am Sunday. We tried to go to the diner...we were too tired to chew, so we left after 20 minutes and I got home at 7:00 am and crashed.
I woke up at 3:00 am, logged onto Facebook and found at the very top of my newsfeed a comment from my friend Juli (who goes to school with me) to Michael. It said something along the lines of "It was great meeting you last night. I'm so glad you came up! I hope you can visit again soon."
Yes, Michael was on my campus and although there was no way I could have seen him, nobody told me. I flipped out. I called people to find out exactly what had happened, and then I called Tyler to bitch him out because from my perspective Michael had come up to see him in a boyfriendly kind of way. Keeping in mind that Michael had never suggested coming up to see me, so I was also seriously jealous as well. It was starting to seem like he really didn't want to be even friends with me -- and I said that to Michael as well.
Anyways, Ty, bless his soul, was able to calm me down. He told me they were just friends and he agreed that, in honor of them just being friends, that if Michael visited again or if he went to visit Michael they would let me know even if I wasn't invited or something. I mean, on a campus this small I'm going to find out anyways so why try to go behind my back, right?

As a side note, I've previously told Michael on more than one occassion that if I screw up he should tell me how I did so I can fix it or at least not repeat the same mistake with the next guy. (Which is wh I've told him more than once that I was playing it by ear off of him, and he should tell me where I stood (not in those exact words) so I'm going to continue trying to be his friend until he flat out tells me he doesn't want to. Though he's not doing a great job of reciprocating (he only talks to me via Myspace and/or if he knows I'm upset and it involves him, or that's how it seems) right now, I don't think he's against the idea of a friendship between us.
The point being, nobody ever really tells me why they suddenly stop being into me and this is a cycle that is no longer acceptable so I'm going to talk to other guys who've seemed interested and then suddenly or inexplicably moved on and find out why. If I'm as undateable as I seem to be, I gotta find out and fix it. That's my goal this week.

Anyways, absolutely everything's been talked about and we're fine and we shouldn't be having that drama any more! Yay!

So, because she met a guy when we went out to eat, Katie and I arranged a game night (it's a complex story, and it's hers, so I won't share it...unless she tells me tonight she wants me to, it's kind of cool so I hope she does :P). Amanda and Ty came over and we played Scene It: Disney. Then we watched The Next Best Thing.
It was all well and good, although it was mildly depressing because it made me remember that she and then there was a scene that mirrored a conversation I'd had with Michael and I was suddenly less fine. Not like I was upset, and certainly not at anyone in particular, it was just...I don't know, you guys understand right?
The conversation in the movie is as such:
Doctor: "I like you a lot."
Robert: "I like you too."
Doctor: "But this will never work." It continues on with Robert being indecisive.
The conversation with Michael, as I remember it, was as such:
Me: "I like you a lot."
Michael: "I like you too."
Me: "It's too bad it won't work, I live to far away."
Michael: "It might."
Hate to say I called it, but....that was me, calling it.

Anyways, so I poured myself a cup of rum with a splash of Coke and got unwisely drunk (fortunately, nobody gave in to my urge to go commit delinquent behavior). As I drank said drink, Tyler talked to me about texts he and Michael were sending back and forth -- which I definitely appreciated. Definitely a step in the right direction. Even if it made me kind of wonder what happened to way back when Michael and I used to talk about the things that bothered him. Which then made me feel obsessive and pathetic, so I quickly pushed those thoughts to the side and contemplated what noises aluminum bats would make against those vandal proof mailboxes. Like I said, I was really urging for delinquent behavior. It wasn't good, but the others kept me from acting on those urges without much difficulty.

The amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing news is, however, that I think I'm getting two roomies (one of whom is the fabulous Aubree of A&F fame :P) next year and we're getting a three bedroom apartment and the ones we're thinking of looking at are gorgeous and (hopefully) affordable! So, all in all, things are definitely looking up!

"There were times when I wanted to hurt you, and there were times when I know that I did"

Things get crazier here all of the time. Since the last time I updated, a lot has happened, so I'm going to breeze through all of that and then talk about what's really on my mind right now.

Thursday, a large group of my friends went to XS. It was fun.

Friday was a party with friends from school, but Beau came with Katie and I too. The cutie charmed the socks right off everyone, myself included! There's some pictures, but to protect the innocent I'm not gonna share. :P It was themed to be "Something That Happened on the Day of Your Birth". If you could, you were supposed to dress as whatever event you chose. Katie, Beau, and I all failed to dress as an event, but at least we had looked up our birth dates to find one to comment on. I chose two: the birth of a straight female porn star and Madonna being on the cover of Cosmopolitan.

Saturday, I hung out with Beau some more and then he headed out. Then I joined up with Cody and Aaron and we headed to Jeffy's and then a whole gaggle of us headed over to Philadelphia to party at XII Air Command for Charlie's 17th birthday -- cause it's 17+ on Saturdays. I met a guy there, he works the door and his name is Drew and he's got beautiful lips. I mean, there's no chance of it going anywhere because how often am I in Philadelphia? Never, right? Right.

I got back at 4 in the morning, slept like log (for once!) and went to rehearsal. I was there most of the day Sunday. And much of Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. Yay tech week!

Last night, The Diary of Anne Frank opened. It was great.
Afterwards, Amanda and Tyler and Brighid and I went to XS. My hair was still white. Tons of people were there, all abuzz with tons of gossip about topics I won't get into because it doesn't concern me but let's just say someone in our little circle of friends is making headlines, unfortunately not in a happy way. Michael was also there. And, surprise surprise, that's what I want to talk about.
After Easter weekend, Michael basically disappeared. I know that he and I talked about how nothing was likely to happen until we had graduated, but he wasn't answering texts or anything and we had talked about hanging out at least one more time. I was a little put off but more than that I was concerned. Finally, I messaged him on Myspace and he answered and explained that he'd just been really busy. Makes sense, I have been too.
Further lack of communication until I message him on Myspace inviting him to Wednesday's preview show. He declines, politely, but does inquire as to whether or not I will be at XS on Thursday.
So, lo and behold, he's there, I'm there...and Tyler's there. And Michael is like absorbed in Tyler, and Tyler is of course seeming to be interested in Michael, because how could you not be?
Brendan tells me that Michael's been talking to some high school senior (which seems to be a recurring theme for me). That's fine. What I'm not yet okay with is flirtation between Michael and one of my best friends.
Of course, unbeknownst to me, the two have been talking on Myspace for a couple of weeks. Why Tyler didn't tell me, I don't understand. But we talked about it today, and Ty and I are fine. Ish.
I explained that to Tyler, who was trying to respect that. I tried to tell Michael, but I just could not work up the balls to pull him aside and say anything. I sent him a text message this morning explaining why I'd been upset and apologizing if I'd been bitchy.
He called me that afternoon from work, said hi, asked how my day was. We chatted a little bit. He said "I got your text, I'm sorry I didn't answer. It's been a busy day." I apologized once more for being weird and he told me it was okay, it was totally understandable. Then he said he had a customer and he would call me back in a little while. There has still been no phone call from him.

Talking to friends has not made me any less upset or at all happier about the situation. Everyone seems to think I'm reacting reasonably here. Chloe, however, says that by apologizing I'm giving him power he shouldn't have. The cast of Anne Frank seems to think that the purpose of his phone call this afternoon was just to be a dick.
Somehow, I just can't find fault in the boy. I mean, I try because blaming myself for feeling and acting like this truly sucks. I call him "asshole" and "dickwad" and "jerkface" and raise my voice and shake my fist and occasionally hit things, but I've never felt like he deserved any of that. Is that weird?

I'm trying really hard to move on, or at least manage to put my feelings on hold and behave like a sane and rational person. I'm genuinely happy for him if he's got this other boy that I don't know and hopefully will never meet. That's great! And I could see him flirt with almost anyone and be fine -- so I'm making progress. But it still stings to see him flirting with my best friends.

What's worse, and what makes less sense, is how much trouble I have talking to him now. It's so awkward. I have hundreds of things I think of to say and ask. I want to hear him tell me every detail of his day, I want to know where he goes, what he does, who he talks to -- everything. I want to see his smile (I won't lie, the main reason he's still on my top friends on Myspace is because that means I get to see that smile whenever I log on); I want to make him smile. I'm seriously crushing hard, and it's totally ridiculous because I spent less than a week hanging out with him or talking to him. And in that week we talked about everything...now all that comes out of my mouth, if anything is "What's up?" and there's so much more going on in my head that for some reason I can articulate at all.

I'm figuring a few more rounds of John Tucker Must Die this week -- since I don't have rehearsal -- and a lot of chocolate and ice cream and I should be absolutely okay again. God I hope so.