"If you didn't know then now you know!"

I am posting this now, mid-studying, because I have been waiting all day to get the pictures from this weekend but I think everyone else slept today. Must be nice. :-P

Anyhow, I am definitely going to put a number of the pictures up when I do get them (probably tomorrow night). It has been quite the weekend though, definitely.

First I had a very typical Friday. I worked at abercrombie from 8 am to 1 pm, and went back to campus. I was busy with random end-of-the-semester things, and hanging out with friends who I never get to see these days, and utterly forgot about the nap I was supposed to get before I went to work at the club.

This guy was there, James, who I had met (and given my number to) the weekend before. Let's backtrack a second and take a look at why in the hell I'd give out my number to someone I met while I was working: I was up on stage, it was getting towards the end of the night and this giant of a man -- total stud, but still, ginormously tall and built! Oh God is he built! -- and he politely goes "Can I dance with you?" in this totally gentlemanly way and of course I'm like "Yes!"
So then we danced together...and even though I was just in my underwear, he didn't let his hands wander to anywhere that the skeezy old guys let their hands wander. And he was just...he was just this huge gentleman, and it was great.

So he was at the club with a friend of his (Brad) on Friday too, and I danced with them at the end of the night. And then, yesterday, James and I went to Park City together. Then we went to dinner together.

Last night I had a couple options for what to do before going to the club. One was to go to this dance recital that our school's dance club puts on, and a lot of my friends were in it. The other was to go to the birthday party for my new friend Jenny, who I really only officially met (although we knew of each other for long before we met) a week or so ago. So I went to the birthday party, and I brought James along as my date.

We hung out in the hotel until we all had to vaminose (I don't know if that's a real word but it sounds like a foreign word for "go" so...I use it :-P) to the club. We got there, Mike and I got into our undies, and then we got up on stage while the rest of the party headed up to their V.I.P. balcony lounge (where Mike and I went for all our breaks).
A good time was had by all, much clothing was removed from various party-goers...and for some reason, the masses of unintelligent club-goers tipped some of the party-goers who weren't working -- even though they had pants on. As I said about four times "It's not hard. The people wearing pants aren't employees and should not be tipped. The people who aren't wearing pants should be tipped." Still, I think I made pretty good money.

We returned to the hotel around 2:30/3:00 am and we partied for a few more hours. I won't lie, I got a little bit drunk....fortunately, James was there to hold my attention so I wasn't too slutty -- that's always a risk when there's me and alcohol. He really is a gentleman and he cuddled with me all night, which kept me busy enough to not go into the whatever-was-going-on-in-the-other-room...they had the door shut.

Morning came and it was just James, Josh, Jenny, Neil, Scotty, Sean, and myself left. We cleaned up as best as we could (pretty good if I do say so myself!) and hit the road. I brought Scotty to the train station -- he needed to take the train to Exton, so he could meet a friend, then go to Philly to catch a flight back to Oregon. Yeah, I know, long way for a party but it was called "East Meets West" for a reason -- he and Jenny have birthdays near each other so it was a dual party, and apparently they had the Portland chapter of it last weekend.

Anywho...then I came to Etown and finally got to talk to Boy-Craig. We hadn't talked at all this week, I'd been busy and he'd been...well, busy. He's still indecisive, up-down-all-around...and honestly, I'm getting very tired of it. We'll hang out over winter break and whatever happens will happen but I expect that will be the end of it.
(I know you're rejoicing over that one, Johnna. Sometimes I get a kick in the butt from my own common sense. :-P)

And then the truly bad news hit home.
The head of our theater department here, who is sort of a father figure to many of us, myself included, recently had brain surgery on a benign tumor. Unfortunately, when they opened up his skull...they discovered things are a lot worse than they thought. It's my arch-nemesis back and attacking someone else close to me: cancer.
He's a stubborn guy, tough as nails, and he's going to kick it's ass, I'm sure. There's some people that nothing can touch...Muse, Jackie, for instance. I think that Sevy (as we call him) is one of those people.
But then again, I thought that about my grandfather and Jessee (or read about her here). Still, both of them put up a good, an amazing fight and I know that Sevy will at least manage to make us proud. He still has a sense of humor -- actually, it may have even improved from when he was healthy :-P -- and he's still going to be around for us. He's turning himself into a family man, not a professor, but the theater department is one of his kids and he's going to make sure we're taken care of too.
I think we're all a little in shock. We all thought everything was fine since the surgery, we'd thought it was just the benign tumor. This was just kind of slammed on us tonight.

Credit to Jenny for the pictures! More pictures of our amazing weekend can be found on her website!

"Gays of Our Lives"

My life is sometimes compared to a soap opera. I won't lie, sometimes it seems like it would make a good TV show. Most of the time though, I laugh at those jokes.
Not so much this weekend. This weekend has been very, very soap operatic.

Craig seems to be warm for my form* again, so that's good news. I know, every time I post it's hot or cold, but at least right now....all's well that's going well for the time-being. :-P

This weekend was...WOW. I went to work Friday, and brought two dear friends of mine who were fully intending on getting shitfaced. And oh boy did they ever!
When we got into the car to go home (this is after the bouncer Nelson helped me bring them to the car in the first place) the vomiting started. We'd been smart and brought bags. But that was when my number one fan, also drunk, decided that he should get in the passenger seat of the car next to me and try to convince me to go home with him. Now, he's like seventy, so I was pretty much like "Pop your Viagra, get a facelift or six, and come back fifty years ago. Then we'll talk." For a number one fan, he hadn't even tipped me that night, so I decided if he kept it up he was going to become my number one restraining order.
My friends vomited the entire hour ride back to school. They were still vomiting for a good long while after we got them into the dorm that I was dropping them off in.

Needless to say, I slept most of Saturday after a night like that.
Then I headed on over to the mall to get my car fixed (as I've been driving on a spare since I blew a tire two weeks ago). They had the tire. They had the rim. They were all ready to stick on my car. "Fifteen minutes," they said, "Stick around."
So I stuck around.
One hour I stuck around. I was not pleased.

So, just by sad coincidence, I was supposed to be at the theater exactly when that hour ended. So I called my stage manager for my one act and professed my profound apologies at the incompetence of the Tires Plus people. Not incompetence -- lack of time management skills.

The one acts went marvelously, and then went and struck the set. I left strike early, and went to go get ready for work. So I'm mildly shocked when Cody gives me a call and asks for Jason's number.
Now, how had he missed the little game or whatever it was where Jason refuses to give me his number and totally toys with me and my gullibility over this? C'mon now, let's be real. So I say no, and ask why.
Well, what was going on was Josh's own personal issues so I won't go into them but let me just say that this kind of shit belongs on television, not in real life. End of discussion. Get me a camera crew if this gonna keep up.

So I got to work and Cody called me to let me know that Josh was okay and safe. Cody had been out looking for Josh for at least forty-five minutes and he stayed with him until Josh's parents arrived. Then Cody came out to XS because of something else major going out:
Our friend from last school year, David, had disappeared in June when he started dating this MAJOR creepy asswad. They broke up (I think) last week, and David was just now coming back to us. Like when a character comes back to life in a TV show. It was very exciting, very good. He's shaved his head...but, hey, whatever works for him. He has a nice car now so that's an improvement. :-P
I also made a few new friends, although I didn't manage to get all their numbers so I'm hoping they'll be back for the big party that is next Saturday!

The three of us crashed at a friend of David's place. Cody slept on the floor, and David and I tried to share the couch but that wasn't so much happening. Noting my discomfort, the friend invited me to sleep in his bed with him. He warned me he was a cuddler.
Cuddling, however, led to shirt-removal, which led to making out....you know where I'm going with this. It meant nothing, it really was nothing. Just a hook-up. So incredibly just a hook-up, that it is the most hook-uppiest hook-up I have ever hooked. Which I think I'm oddly okay with, although I do feel kind of like a slut.

Today, Cody and I hung out. He brought me Oreos. Big mistake. I've been battling my addiction to those cookies and for three weeks I've not had any in the room. He brought two packages. He's a friggin' enabler. These are normal ones, but next thing you know...it's Double Stuf. Then it's the chocolate covered, or peanut butter, or caramel, or white fudge, or the funky red-cream holiday ones! And then before you know it, I'm back to spending all of my money on Oreos and not on important things!


*Credit for this phrase goes to my fabulous friend Mel!

"Please tell me what you like, does that feel nice?"

I don't understand at all.

I don't think he does either.
This past weekend...it was perfect. I felt comfortable, I felt safe, I felt like we were a sure thing.

Now I'm not so sure. I don't know what's going through his head, and he doesn't seem to be able to explain it to me. There is no more "ciao bello" just "ciao", there are no more compliments coming with ease from him. It all feels very harsh, very cold.

And I have to wonder...has he gotten what he wanted? I don't think he's that type of guy, I really don't. But I usually don't.

And he's seeming a little A.D.D. Like, he just burst out on this rant about men and all of the heartbreak he's gone through. About as much as me, for the record.
All I want is to keep him from getting hurt again, but I can already see...or I'm already afraid. This is going to get me hurt again, and again, and again. I'm starting to think I'm wasting my time, looking for something meaningful with him.
The things he complained about, the things he said he was tired of...they're not me. The things he seems to want, that's what I have to offer. Can I get him to see that? No.

Maybe I'll just settle for less, go after some gorgeous guy (and who gives about his personality?) from the club I work at. Maybe I'll try to forget about him. I can't do this up-down-all-around. I can't be his seasonal boyfriend, his date when I'm home on vacation.

I'm not saying I need a decision right now, but I need him to stick on a fairly steady indecision.
How appropriate...the song that just started?

Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help
Falling in love with you

Boys make my brain hurt.

Darling so it goes
Some things
They were meant to be

"Your problems don't exist when the music feels like this..."

I want to go back to the weekend.

I spent yesterday on a train, and it was awful. We were prob'ly 45 minutes late getting back to PA because the train would not leave stations for like twenty minutes. Get the people and leave, that's your job!!
Then I had to race around doing shit, and then I had to go buy things for my one act -- but I couldn't find anything I needed, not anywhere!

Then I had my one act rehearsal, not the dress rehearsal thank God -- but because Night A of the festival did have their dress rehearsal, we couldn't rehearse in the space. We spent most of the rehearsal wandering around from place to place looking for a good place to rehearse. We never found on, but my actress practiced hitting my actor over the head with the gun so I guess we accomplished something. It was very, very, very frustrating.

So, I came back to my room, all frustrated and in kind of bad mood. So when Boy-Craig IMed me (or did I IM him? I don't remember...), I was pretty pleased -- because, hey, who better to cheer me up, right? Except, no. Apparently, despite my attempts to be charming, the fact that I was honest and talked about my dancing (not a lot, mind you) made Craig's mother hate me.
Of course, if I'd been less surprised to see Craig's mother, it probably would have dawned on me that Craig's had bad experiences with dating dancers before and obviously, mom would know and would be wary. But I didn't ask if anyone else was at Olive Garden, or who, so it's not my fault.
I screwed up, and I apologized, profusely. But the damage was done, and now Craig is all "I don't know, I don't know" second guessing himself again. His mother said I reminded her of his ex. His ex, of course, was dancing behind his back, cheating on him, sleeping around, and all around deserves to be castrated and then thrown off a helicopter into the Sahara. I'm nothing like his ex, which I explained to him. He said he knew...but if he knows that, then why is he letting his mother's comment bother him so much? I mean, I understand being bothered by the fact that his mother doesn't like me, but being bothered by that comment?
AGH MEN!

Then I woke up today not feeling very good but I got all ready for classes and work. Then I went to class. While I was there, Christine, who I work with at abercrombie, called and told me they were trying to cut hours and that I didn't need to come in. So, yay that. So I came back to my room and passed out until 3:30, pretty much.

I'm still feeling pretty gross but I really need to track down a folding chair.

I just want my weekend back. It was simple, it was spectacular.

"I saw you and the world went away..."

I have had the nicest weekend. I know, I tend to have pretty rockin' weekends, but no, really this one was divine. I am still all aglow.

Friday I was supposed to hang out with Boy-Craig, but his boss....well, let's just say, between the two jobs he works on breaks he pulled a 17 hour day, of work. He was actually awake for 26 hours. That's two hours longer than a full day. So, I was understanding when he decided to sleep instead of hang out with me. In fact, I was kind of glad cause I'd told him that he was crazy to try to hang out with me in the same day (although I told him it was okay if he fell asleep on me).

Instead of hanging out with Boy-Craig, I went out to Club Energy, one of the clubs in Providence. It wasn't too full or anything, but a couple of my friends were there and I made a few new ones, which is always a good thing.
The picture I'm "borrowing" from my new friend Eddie's Facebook.
My job this summer was dancing at a club in Providence. There was quite a lot of drama that went down after I headed off for school. I had only gotten some people's perspectives but I was missing a key point of view: the Boss Man's. Coincidentally enough, especially since apparently neither one of them have been out to Energy since Halloween and before then it had been a while, Big Bill (the Boss Man) and Chris showed up. I kid you not when I say jaws dropped, it was kind of ominous. And I was nervous, I didn't know how they'd react to me after whatever it was that had happened.

So I decided to suck it up, go over, and play nice-and-not-at-all-nervous. They were glad to see me, and I spent most of the rest of the night catching up with them. I got invited to their Christmas party, which is pretty much guaranteed to be a blast and a half. If I'm back from school yet, which I should be, I am so incredibly there.
And Bill, being Bill, starts introducing me to people as his "son", like no time has passed. He's awesome. He also said if I had a date for the Christmas party, just to bring them and not to even call ahead. That was something I had kind of forgotten, what so great about the people I was around this summer: I really belonged. Before this summer that was something I wasn't used to in Rhode Island. I get that feeling of belonging a lot more at school, though.
Oh, ps, huuuge congratulations to Chris and Bill. They're engaged, with their families' blessings, despite a major age difference and the fact that they're gay. Don't you love New England? That's pretty much unheard of in Pennsylvania -- particularly the engaged part.

The next day, however, is when the weekend got really and truly fantastic. You see, I went to my interview and that was fine. And speaking of which I have to e-mail the reporter like now with some pictures and my resume.
Then Boy-Craig called me to let me know he was out of work and I should meet him at Olive Garden near his work. So I went, found him...and his mother and grandmother! Whoa, surprise! But they were very nice, and I turned on my charms which have never yet failed on a parent. They have, on occassion, been known to make the parent like me better than their own child. Okay, so that was once, but still.
Anyways, I helped Craig back up to go back to his school and then we went there, rented Madagascar and started to watch...and cuddle. We got invited over to his friend's sorority some time later where we watched Mask and then Van Wilder, which was so funny. We all crashed there though, Craig and I in her roommates bed.
Sleeping in Craig's arms was so, so, so, so, so, so nice. He snores a little bit, but rythmically and not intrusively so it actually is the sort of thing that helps me sleep. Sometimes he'd squeeze me a little bit tighter. Sometimes he was clearly awake, because he'd lift up his head like to look at me sleeping (which I was trying to so I looked like I was), and then once...he brushed his lips across the back of my neck. It was so sweet. It was, dare I say it? Perfect.

We spent most of today talking online while we did homework. Then he called me and invited me over, and I went. I just chilled with him and his fraternity brothers, who are so chill.

We're at a good place right now. We're not dating, per say, because of the distance. Should we both be single at such a time when there is time (like, oh say, a three month summer vacation...which, oh, not too too far away!) to start a relationship, we'll try it and see if what happens. Til then...well, we'll just play it by ear.
But I'm content with that. If it's meant to be, it will be. I don't think we could possibly screw up badly enough to stop it.

Random question: when I'm typing, how can I get an accent over a letter? I know there's a way, but I'm not sure if it requires a number pad (in which case I'm screwed cause of, hey, laptop!)

Weekly Random Image!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

And in case I don't get on tomorrow....I'm gonna post the pretty person in like ten minutes before I hit the hay.
(Or, as Boy-Craig typoed "hit the gay"...best typo ever. :P)

"Sure, every day the Earth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange."

So, wow. WOW. WOW. For a week that started off so unbelievably badly, things went really well afterwards. Really well.

Tuesday night, a new local club had its first 18+ club. Never one to miss an opportunity, I went not just for the fun of being with friends...I wanted a job. I had heard they were hiring dancers and I've been getting more and more desperate for money. The key detail of a rather eventful was that I did, in fact, get the job. And flirted with a really pretty gorgeous guy (who flirted back). He turns out to be 32, which is out of my usual dating age range...but depending on how the next couple weeks go, I may make an exception. He's remarkably immature for being so much older than me. :-P
By which, I mean, he acts the same age I act. At least, he does when he's drunk.

Now, Wednesday passed by relatively uneventfully. And by that I mean, things happened but I honestly don't remember much of it. I suppose that's not a good sign, although no news is good news, or so I'm told by my mother.

Today was the big one. Tuesday night, I had run into my friend Zach who had wanted me to work at Abercrombie Kids with him when my initial job hunt was going so poorly. He had informed me that he had become a manager, and wanted to hire me. So I went to Park City today, walked into Abercrombie, met up with Zach, and went next door to fill out another application.
I'm starting tomorrow. I couldn't be more excited. I finally have a real job. And a dancing job!

But as if my life didn't get better, there was the weather. It was horrible today. Driving to and from Park City I literally knew where the road was by watching tail lights, because I couldn't see the road due to all of the torrents of rain.
The DJ on the radio said we had "severe thunderstorm warnings, flash flood warnings, and tornado warnings." I jokingly added "and Armageddon warnings."

The joke got less funny when the sky turned orange. I'm still not sure what that was, but the fact is it looked awesome and the world didn't end so I'm feeling pretty lucky about that. I wish I had gotten a picture, but alas, I did not.

Later, when I returned to my dorm from all the rest of my day, my various classes and meetings in the evening, I discovered I had an instant message from Boy-Craig.
"You win."
Now, I don't want to jinx anything, so I won't explain it. I'm not happy, because he's hurting and I wouldn't wish that on him no matter what he did to me. But I'm hopeful, very hopeful.

That sort of reminds me, I did want to ask everyone's opinion on something -- a question that always is rattling around in my head due to being raised on romance novels where people just seem to know they're in love...how does one really tell?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I think I'm in love with Craig. I guess it's a possibility. Other people have said I am, though that means nothing. I'm mostly just curious as to everyone's opinions on these things.

"I'm afraid I'll spend the better part of next year scared that I might need you..."

I'm doing better now. I know, there was no inspirational picture yesterday but I preoccupied with my personal wallowing, and then getting back on my feet.
(This is muchly owed to eating like three bowls of Kraft Mac & Cheese last night. I'm a fat kid at heart. :-P)

Things are improved. I may be confused, still upset, fantasizing schemes in my mind (all of which, except for the most benign one, are impossible). Still, there is that one...and it is pretty benign. We're working on that one, so I don't want to say too much and jinx it.

Okay, I'll explain it. I'm getting some new clothes. That's my scheme...shopping. :-P

I finally shaved off my sideburns in an act of defiance that really is probably only significant to me at this point, but whatever. The show is over, and Craig thought they looked good. And now they're gone. Bwahahaha! Take that late October/most of November!

Now, I'm going on the uphill slope. After my mope (I always look like Hell the second I start to mope) I'm working my way back to beauty. I got my haircut (although the woman didn't know what a fauxhawk was...excuse me, isn't that your job? :-P), and now I've worked up the motivation to do laundry. Except all the washing machines are full. Uhm, ew that. :-P

In other news, I just found out that my most fabulous of friends Johnna is moving to Memphis the day after I go home for Thanksgiving break. Uhm, what is this bullshit? Just because the love of her life is down there? Psh. The gay of her life isn't in Memphis, what is she thinking? :-P

"I console myself that Hallmark cards are true..."

I am a little more than devestated right now.

I know I shouldn't have fallen so hard, so fast. I know I should have asked him to wait for me, although really I couldn't because he'd already told me not to wait for him (and aside from that, later he said that if I told him not to go see other guys that would have been the end of it). I guess I didn't have another choice.

I'm not looking for something serious. I'm not looking for long-lasting. I'm just looking for something tangible, something based off of more than just sex. Mostly, I'm just looking for a guy that I like enough to pursue to like me back enough to date me.

Every guy I've ever dated has pursued me and I've been like "Yeah, you're alright. Whatever." In one instance, I came to like that person a lot.
Usually, I like the guy and I try to date them and it seems like everything's going well for me and then suddenly, no warning, it ends. It hasn't managed to start yet, but it ends.

I don't understand, but I hate it. I hate men.

"Hi, this is God. Can I have my angel back?" "Uh...no."

This is officially the last portion of the Internet I haven't bragged about this on. It's no longer safe either.

See, I was chatting with Boy-Craig, who is in RI, and he was saying how he had this idea but he didn't have the money for it. I asked what idea it was...

Boy-Craig: "I was going to find out the date of your play, talk to one of your friends, go down there by train, get picked up by a friend of yours, watch your show, and surprsise you with roses"

Uhm, where has this boy been for the past my entire life? No one has ever, ever, ever done anything so sweet for me. And it's not like people don't do sweet things for me, they do. But that goes above and beyond sweet. Is there a word for better than sweet?

Two movie reviews in one?!

The Departed is hard to write about because it was so amazingly good. Even though it had Leonardo Dicaprio in it. Yeah, even the Sultan of Star-Crossed Lovers and Don of Dumb Ideas managed to get out a good one. More surprisingly? They had a preview for his next movie – and I want to see it! I think Leo’s grown up.

Anyways, back to The Departed…it was really good. Like really good. Occassionally an actor or actress (and only a couple of them ever did, and not often) and that’s basically my only complaint. If you haven’t seen it yet – do!!!

Unless you don’t like blood, guts, and guns. There’s a lot of that, so this isn’t exactly a movie for everyone.

I also saw I, Robot this weekend. Another good movie, but not as good. For starters, I, Robot probably has little to nothing to do with the books by Isaac Asimov, although I don’t know I haven’t read them. They do still have the three laws, which are integral to the plot. And the who-dunnit aspects of the plot keep you guessing right up until the end (unless you’ve seen it before). In fact, there’s a lot of twists. You can’t look away. And most importantly, you cannot be tickled by the person you’re watching the movie with. The movie would have made a lot more sense, I’m sure, if Craig hadn’t tickled me every twenty minutes. The special effects were great, the writing was so-so, and some things just weren’t really explained. Bridge in the middle of dry land? Oh, yeah, but that’s because Lake Michigan dried up. And you’re just supposed to know that, cause they don’t tell you until they show a little plate that says “Lake Michigan” in the middle of dry land in the last scene. Can I tell you how irritated I was with that?