"Why should I worry? Tell me, why should I care?"

Firstly, I apologize for the uber length of this post!

Okay, before I begin I have an anecdote to share. I slept in this morning, went down for breakfast/lunch/afternoon snack and mom comes in while I'm eating and goes "Hurry, you're going to be late!"
"For what?" I ask.
There's this pause. "I don't know, don't you have something to do today?"
"No..."
"Well, I know I don't. I know your father doesn't. Do you mean nobody's doing anything today?"
This is such a bizarre event that mom is like...I thought she was going to meltdown on me for a minute. And that pretty much sums up my family.

Anyways, this weekend started off special aside from Pride. Our cousins from the Carolinas came for a visit! We haven't seen them since our road trip down to them a few years back -- sophomore year of high school, I think. That's a Monday Memory (when I get back to doing those) for another time. Probably three or four Monday Memories actually.
But anyways, we didn't get see my favorite cousin, Ed, that trip because he's been in the Coast Guard for the past several years (we think it's been seven years, and we realized we hadn't seen him in 10 years). Ed's been my favorite cousin since the incident with the giant turtle, which is also a Monday Memory I'll have to share. Anyways, Ed is one of my heroes, for sure. We watched a video of a rescue he did this weekend that kind of cemented that feeling -- Ed did basically all the work. Here, watch this:
It's not as well-done as the video we saw but it's the same rescue. Ed is the one standing up in the rescue boat, doing *everything*.
So we spent Friday with the cousins, catching up on years that we've missed.

Saturday was Pride RI (or, the much-catchier name for it is Providence Pride, because it alliterates). It was in a new, smaller location which wasn't too much of a problem despite the fact that this was probably the biggest turnout Providence Pride has ever had. The fiascos going on with NYC Pride probably contributed to that.
I hung out with Joey, his ex-boyfriend Felix, and his friend Jesse all day because they were the first people I knew that I ran into. I saw a lot of people I knew though -- some of the Crockett Clan (who I went to high school with), Joey and Matt (two of Mirabar's shotboys), Justin, Preston, Bruno and Kenny (two of the strippers from XL and who were caught on film paying more attention to their adorable puppy than to me :-P), DJ (who I think recently quit from XL), Jason....I don't really know why I'm listing all these people. :-P

Anywho, Grace and Ryan and his friends Sam and Mike met up with us part way through and we kept adjourning to Joey's hotel room (to drink). Mike is pretty much awesome, and Sam is pretty fabulous too. I feel super bad because I have Mike's number so we could hang out next time he was in town, but I seem to have lost it. I'm dumb like that sometimes. Anywho...

So we watched some of the acts that were on the main stage...acts that included Frenchie Davis, Peppermint Gummybear, Colton Ford (who is STILL hot!!), and more! I was looking forward to Sean van der Wilt but, alas, he was cut from the lineup do to timing issues...and I'm sure he wasn't happy about it, because the crowd was amazing!
Colton Ford was pretty good, though at first he had the mic too close to his mouth.

We actually missed the parade because we went to get dinner and it took longer to find a place that didn't have a ridiculous line (hour 45 minute wait??? That was the shortest!) and then to eat, so we missed the parade. That was sad.
Then we went to Mirabar. And we stayed at Mirabar because....and this is said, I was gonna have to pay again in order to get in a second time. So...there was no trip to XL, there was no Roman Heart.
I'm not complaining though. Mirabar was amazing -- of course, the numerous other parties at the other clubs had to be just as good! Some of the headliners from the festival were performing there, including the fabulous Alyson whose performance really was great and you could tell she was having a good time, and Jenna Drey and others, all of whom were great! Jenna Drey is frequently on the CD for A&F so it was exciting but simultaneously nauseating just because I hear the songs so often. :-P
I also saw basically everyone at Mirabar.

Really it was two parties, too. The block party outside and the party inside, and everyone was going in and out but it was crowded! Fun though.
Part way through the night Brendan and Cody called me to discuss things about my upcoming birthday extravaganza, where they were coming up to party with me. There was gay drama, which would continue until the next day and lead to the party's cancellation. That's all I'm gonna say on that one, but it contributed to a funk I found myself in after Pride.
The other things that contributed? There was also drama between Joey and I, which I won't get into too much but it ended in, basically, him making a whole bunch of "if we're gonna work, this is what you need to do" demands -- not like to make up for anything I did because he definitely was the one who'd screwed up, but somehow it turned around to I was the one who needed to change for him. And I'm pretty sure I'm cool with A) that little about-face in who's the screw up, or B) the fact that he wants me to change for him before we've even been on a second date. Cause, apparently I'm not good enough as-is?
Then I ran into Jonathon, who got pretty shitfaced, so I helped him get to his car at the end of the night. On the way, we stopped by Energy, which was still open. And who to my wondering eyes should appear? Kyle and Dom -- who had both moved to Florida and I hadn't seen since January!! So that was exciting.
After that, as we went to my car so I could give Jon and "his driver" a ride to their car, he decided (because he's an honest drunk) to regale me with all the reasons we can't date. Or even try to date. Or in fact, do anything more than what we have been doing, which is hang out like friends and then make out just enough to get us (or at least me) riled up and then leave before anything happens.
So I was in a serious funk. Or a "gunk" as they would say on Kyle XY. ("He's in a gunk." "What's that?" "A guy funk." "So what do they call a girl funk?" "Redundant.")

Monday I went out to get a job at Dark Lady. Except, in my funk, I couldn't bring myself to ask without moral support. So I ended up at Energy...which added to my funk. Two guys I had previously liked were there, neither one into me and one of them there with someone else. Ordinarily this wouldn't bother me at all, but, hey, funk!
So when I was introduced to my friend Josh's friend Neil, who was gorgeous and flirty, well...it helped a lot. So, I'm starting to come out of the funk now.

Tuesday was full of little things: new manager at A&F who seems pretty nice, movie night at Justin's, Jonathon called me again (and again today, I don't think he remembers what he said), and, oh, I think I blew the Italian oral exam out of the water.
That's right, this is my last week of class!!

Oh, and for people wondering what's going on with Club XS these days...my friend Jenny just put up this video of their latest amateur drag contest! Cody tells me my ex-boyfriend has been showing up to participate in them lately. You'd think he'd have gotten the hint: you've been doing drag for years and never gotten better than runner-up....they're trying to tell you something.

NOTE: There will be more pictures, I just have to ask my friends if they mind showing up on my blog is all.

"We knew all the answers and we shouted them like anthems"

...I may have jumped the gun because my mood was so BLAH yesterday.

So, let's start with Joey.

He's cute, and generous, and sweet, and nice, and funny, and romantic.......

But he's got this thing. He worries a lot. And it makes him distant sometimes, and I'm not sure I can handle that. He's worrying about this that and the other thing, most of which are things he should actually be concerned with. But then he's also worrying about, for instance, what will happen when I go back to PA at the end of August. I haven't had a relationship that lasted that long, ever. And planning that far ahead makes me feel stifled. So, that actually isn't going well, but it's for kind of a stupid reason, I think.

Then we have Ryan.

Everyone and my brain are telling me to move on, forget about him, he's already forgotten about me and he's bad news as it is. So, despite the fact that I've figured out what I did (and it's stupid, and he's jealous, and it's totally something that should be a non-issue if I'm right) and I could apologize, and part of me wants to apologize...I don't think I'm going to.

And last, but definitely not last, there's Jon. And despite the fact that yesterday it seemed like there was a problem...it's pretty evident there's not. I'm just an attention whore and I need to tone it down a little so that I'm actually also a human being.

But I am down numbers in the choices area. And, rereading this, it's not even a choice anymore. This reeks of a decision that has been made.

In more good news? Look what I stumbled upon from the club Dark Lady today:

Dark Lady is the club that most of the drag queens of Providence hang out at (to my knowledge) and since drag queens usually love me (except when they hate me, so we'll see) I think I have a good shot at this.

"Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other"

So, last night was good. Went out to Energy, and ran into various people. Big Bill and Chris, finally, so that was terrific! I also saw that friend of mine who was the cause of that traumatic night at school and is the reason 911 is so impressive to me now. He's doing really well, he's all excited because apparently he's going to be a father in eight months.

After that a large group of us headed over to Mirabar. It was fun, but nothing eventful happened to write about, so that's all I have to say on that.

I woke up early this morning to help mom with this yard sale project she's been working and working and working and working on. I helped her sell things. Outside. In the rain and disgusting weather we were having. We did make money...some money. $23. Woo.

So I'm late to work at A&F because of this. I get there, soaking wet, sopping even. Couldn't even see on the drive there, it was raining that hard. Oh, and the thunder lightning started about then too. So I put it another five hours working there, and it was BUSY! And I was on the floor. I hate being on the floor when it's busy. The manager who was on for most of my shift didn't seem to be in the best mood, and neither was I...so that was not good.

So basically, I did retail for ten hours today. But only am getting paid for five.
The good news? We have our June CD. And it is AMAZING. I think it's the best since I started working for the company. It features the typical techno that we all know, but it also has some remixes of Top 40 songs you can hear on the radio so that's great. Also, it's really long, which is so so so nice.

So I came home, exhausted, hungry (as I hadn't eaten since that morning). And spent the rest of the night home, bored, because I was supposed to hang out with Jon and Grace. Grace had to work, and Jon forgot to call me before he headed to Mirabar. He was also supposed to call me on his way back from Mirabar but since they closed an hour ago, I would imagine that's not happening either.
He says his type is usually masculine guys, which I'm not. So there's this paranoid part of me that is wondering if that has anything to do with his forgotten calls, his impossible-to-reach-ness.

*sigh* I'm just tired of setting aside time for people and having everything fall through. I'm tired of being stood up, I'm tired of being used, I'm tired of games...
And I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of ridiculous gas prices. I'm tired of this building I'm living in (my parents' house). I'm tired of not cuddling (because Ryan reminded me how much I love doing that shortly before that all went to cold-shoulder-land).

Oh, and how about, Joey's being all "I have a lot on my mind" and not talkative all of a sudden. So I think I just went from three choices back to none. I don't get it; I'm young, cute and charming, shouldn't I have my pick?

Bah. I don't want to be here right now, but I don't want to go back to Pennsylvania either. This is lame.

I'm in such a bad mood, I hate when I get like this.

OH MY GOD

So, while I won't be working for XL, I'm still gonna be going there sometimes. My friends work there.

And, oh yes, there's this:
You don't understand how much I'm NOT missing him this time.

Okay, small dilemma here...it's Providence Pride. All of my friends will want to go to other parties. Fortunately, I'm pretty sure the clubs are gonna be open later than usual sooooo...the plan is this: I go to XL. I meet Mr. Perfect. I remind myself I have no chance in hell. I tip Mr. Perfect. I leave, meet up with my friends, and am giddy all night.
Sounds good to me. :)

What if he's at Pride?? I could meet him there if he's there!
My God, I'm already giddy! I have to get myself under control.

So, last night was fun/interesting/I'm a total pimp I guess.
As we know, I have crushes on three guys: Jonathon -- who I like the best, but who has basically no time; Joey -- who has some time, but lives far away and I'm not sure but it's prob'ly gonna turn out we'd be better friends; Ryan -- who I don't trust (not that I trust the other two, cause I don't trust men, but whatev) and who I've been told I should steer clear of (and there was the incident with the face-punching) but who I can't help but be drawn to.

So, I went out with Joey after class. A short date. We went to Dunkin Donuts and spent four bucks and chatted for a while. Most of his chatting involves him telling stories about other boys he's liked or been with, which I'm pretty sure I'm not chill with but the stories were funny so that made up for it.
Then I was like "I have to go back through Providence, so I might as well hit a club. They're free on Tuesdays." So I go to Mirabar. It's dead, but as I'm leaving I run into Ryan and his girls out on the street. So I'm like "I'm going to Energy, Mirabar's dead." They decide to come with. Or rather, the girls decide to come with. Ryan seems like he couldn't care less that he's seeing me, and so now I'm perturbed by this. And he kept acting like that all night. I know I'm going to see him out tonight, so if he's acting like that again, I'm gonna ask what's going on cause I'm not cool with that either. He was all over me at the club Monday night.
Anyways, I followed him back to his house and got my shirt back.
Now, I know I've said to a couple people that after I got my shirt back I was going to try to extract myself from him. But...that was totally a lie. I mean, I should. From what I've heard about him, it's in my best interest to just be club-friends with him and nothing more. But I never have used my common sense in this area, have I?

So much going down!

Oh, this post does get a picture because it's Pride month and I can never turn down a good challenge.

Otherwise, this may be the longest, picture-less post I have ever written. However, I guarantee...not a dull moment in the whole thing. Lord knows I haven't had one.

Firstly, I'd like to let you know...I will not be working at XL. The attitude of the boss during my audition (which ended up being Tuesday) was atrocious. I hate trash-talking people on here, but I can't help it at all. The man clearly doesn't realize that without his dancers, he's getting unemployment checks every month. Not only did he treat me in a condescending, almost contemptuous way...I hung out with some of the dancers after the club closed. Okay, basically I gave them rides then went home, but whatev. I was happy to do it. They were talking about their work, of course, and it occurred to me: this is why the crowds are small there. The club delivers sexy dancers, but the best product is sexy dancers who enjoy themselves. I don't want to work at a club that isn't capable of delivering the best. I don't know what I'll do, but it was suggested by Katie that, even though I'd be a terrible waiter, I'd probably do a decent job of being a busboy. I just have to find a place to do it now. It's an insta-cash job and that's what I want.

At some point early in the week, I forget which night, Jon called and invited me over at like 3 in the morning. I went over and we talked and he microwaved some stolen leftovers from one of the restaurants he works at, which were delicious. And the dessert was this chocolate thing, and it was SOOO gooey and delicious.

So, Wednesday I went out with Grace to Mirabar. She met many of my friends, made some news ones (as did I) and was a HUGE hit. Saturday when I went out without her, one of the shot boys (Joey) stopped me and was like "Where's Grace?" and he seemed rather displeased that I was out without her.
Actually, there was a similar reaction when people saw me Thursday night. And tonight. Geez, I can't go anywhere without her...
Afterwards, Grace and I convinced some people to come out to the Denny's Jon works at. I wasn't sure if he was working, but I was crossing my fingers. And my hunch paid off -- he was! While we waited for the others to show up, a bunch of his regulars came in from WalMart and some of them started hassling him.
"What's your type? Me?" one of them asked.
"No," Jon said, not missing a beat, "My type's sitting right over there." And he pointed at me. And I glowed and pretended to be embarrassed. It was sweet.
He also pulled some strings and it ended up that none of the six of us had to pay for anything. Also, very, extremely sweet.

Friday was when the drama was.
It started at work. I was working, and I saw this hot guy come in with another guy. I recognized the hot one, I'd seen him out at Mirabar. I was busy, so I didn't help them. But I did smile at them, like I smile at all the customers.

That night, I went to Mirabar and the first person I see is the other guy. He flicks me off, and I shrug it off because whatever, maybe he's psycho. I check out the club, but there's really nobody there I know so I make for the door to go see if anyone's at Energy.
As I get to the door, a hand grabs my arm and all of a sudden the hot guy is making out with me.

Now, a normal person would probably freak out over this, but it's one of my fantasies to be stopped and given an amazing kiss in that exact way. So I weakened. Plus, did I mention how he's hot?
So when he said they were going to Energy, and I should come, I agreed. The other guy -- Danny -- didn't seem so keen on the idea. In fact, he got pretty frikkin' angry. But the (totally shit-faced) girls they were out with helped me ignore the drama between Ryan (the hottie) and Danny.

That is, up until they made me laugh. At which point Danny snapped, "If he doesn't stop smiling I'm gonna sock him in the face." Which was ridiculous to say, so of course I didn't stop smiling. So he threw three punches. Fortunately, I can take punches and he was drunk so he may as well have thrown some pillows at me.
Ryan pulled the car over and dragged Danny out where they proceeded to argue vehemently about me. Then things got scary -- one of the girls slid into the driver's seat and took off around the block. After we'd circled the block once, and nearly died several times, we convinced her to park and I took over in the driver's seat while we waited for Danny and Ryan to finish arguing.

They did and Danny insisted that he be taken to his car. So we set off, leaving me absolutely confused because, oh yeah, my car was in Providence and Danny's was in Warwick. Not the same place. Not even nearly.

So I spent the night hanging out with Ryan and his girls, and ended up crashing there and cuddling with Ryan. When I woke up my shirt was missing. Uh.......okay?
Anywho, despite all of his protestations that he was looking for a boyfriend (which I am too, though I was hesitant to say it because I know that can be used as a line and frequently is), he wouldn't give me his phone number. He said he'd give it to me when I was working later that day, and although he did stop in. Briefly. Very briefly.

There's more to this story that I'm not going to go into, but let's just say I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I'm prepared for the worst with this guy.
'Sides, there's Jon, who's sweet and has caused way less trouble. He's just difficult to hang out with, which is extra hard for someone who's an attention whore like me.

Meanwhile, yesterday, Joey and I had a fight which ended up sorting out our issues so now he's back on the "choices" list although I have a sincere feeling that we're going to end up being just friends.

Tonight I was going to stay in, but Justin urged me to go out to Mirabar (it's theirs and Energy's karaoke night, which also means no cover). So I went out (much to mom's chagrin). I walked into Mirabar and saw Justin and as I walked towards him ran into Ryan and the girls from before, all of whom were thrilled to see me. Ryan said he'd found my shirt.
So I split the night between Justin and his friend Preston, Ryan and his girls, and the bartender Henry who I think had had too much of his product and was seriously hitting on me. Not unless I get a job out of it, sorry babycakes. :P (SO kidding!)
Justin and Preston decided it would be cool to visit Energy, so we did -- but I dragged a phone number out of Ryan first. The Karaoke was bad. I ran into lots of people there though -- PacSun (who I rarely see but it's always nice to see him), Josh (who I'd been kind of passively trying to avoid), DJ (from XL), Shawn (Josh's ex who he still hangs out with), Ivan and Jaymes (both bartenders at Energy) and....Kenny and John!! I had tried to reach them for forever but never got through and then here they were! So we caught up and I informed John about my birthday celebrations because I would probably cry if they didn't come out with us at least once that weekend. I was so excited to see them, they're amazing. So that made my night enough that I can overlook whatever drama broke out between DJ and Josh.

I sent Ryan a text, just to make sure it is his number because of how, y'know, I have trust issues especially when somebody's so reluctant to give you their number. (And he was pouty because I couldn't spend the night at his place again.)

So I talked to Jon tonight. Twice, which was exciting. And we're making plans to see each other again which is good. Of my various "options" I think he's my favorite, but I know myself and I am going to be miserable dating someone who I never get to see. Hopefully in two weeks he'll have more time (he just put in his two weeks at one of his three jobs).

So it's been an exhilarating and exciting past few days!

"Don't you know that you're toxic!"

I went out to Mirabar on Friday night. Part of the plan was to get a job so I wouldn't have to audition at XL tonight.
But, primarily, I was going on a date with Joey. Who had been seeing this guy, Erik, who works at Mirabar. Joey was paying for me, which was good because I totally wasn't going to be able to afford to get in. Erik wasn't pleased to see him with someone else -- especially since Joey is big into the PDA. We'll get back to that tiny bit of drama later...it did not really turn into anything. That night.
At the end of the night Joey, his friend Jesse, and I all go

Anyways, so I wake up Saturday morning at like 11 to the sound of my phone ringing. It was A&F, so I was a little afraid I'd had a shift I'd forgotten about.
Nope, they wanted me to come in from 5 to 10. I agreed and went in that afternoon. About 15 minutes in, a bunch of dancers from XL came walking back to where I was working to say hi. Sweet gave me a hug, Lee and Antonio and some guy I don't know, stood in the back. I said hi, we chatted and then I said, "Don't make a mess, I'm fixing it up back here."
Antonio grinned (his gorgeous, gorgeous smile...ooooh!), picked up a pile of shorts, and dropped it carelessly onto the table. I glared but I was smiling. Then they walked away, Antonio in the back. He looked back at me and smiled innocently as they left. Then they left the store without saying anything. It was weird.
And can I just say? I have such a thing for Antonio.

Shortly thereafter, my partner in crime at A&F came in to work and we proceeded to raise-the-bar on fabulousness for the rest of the night.

So, I left work at 10 and went straight to Energy. Saw some friends, said hi, found out what night their best night is (Thursdays, when I have class!) Then I went to Mirabar, danced the night away but didn't get tipped.
Oh, and Craig was there. And totally flirting with me although totally sober. I didn't shut him down but I don't think I encouraged it.
Oh, and how about when Joey showed up an hour before it closed? With a boy who he'd met the night before -- during our date -- and although they weren't kissing all the time, the body language read as "date". Now, he'd said to me he only dated "one person at a time", so I'm gonna assume he meant "one person in one night" or something. Either way, I think it's safe to say that's dunzo. It's chill though.
Especially because at 2, when the club was closing, I ran into this boy by the name of Jonathon. Super hot, particularly in the face (which you know I love) and we hit it off really well. We spent the next hour trying to say bye to our friends and getting out of the city (and we got hit on a lot too). Turns out he lives in the next town over from me, maybe a ten minute drive. Which is, of course, a fact I'm thrilled about.

I was not expecting him to call me tonight like he said he would, but he most certainly did.
I was, however, at XL for my audition. The audition did not happen, but I did walk away with mucho dinaro. And flirted with Antonio quite a bit.
I made six bucks before I took any clothes off. At the end of the night, music was playing but no one was on stage so I took off my shirt and leapt up there. It was a preview of my audition, I said. I jumped down from the stage with 25 bucks. I gave Antonio a fiver I'd gotten, because I'd heard he's trying to buy a bed (although, I don't know why, he can use mine :P) and then one of my tippers -- who saw that act of charity/flirtation -- came over and gave me a twenty. That put me up to 40 bucks. And all I took off was my t-shirt, all night!! I can't wait to see how much I can make in my underwear -- let alone naked!

Anyways, I need to be at work at 8 so it's definitely bed time. G'night all!