"You keep living like a movie star, but tell me who you really are..."

3:33 am.

That's what time it is. East Coast, that is. Not that this is really a coast, I'm in the middle of nowhere -- how far away from the ocean can it be and still be called a coast?

I don't really know why I'm awake. I don't feel well, I guess. The breathing thing is not going so hot right now. Lots of coughing, a bit of sneezing. Ick. Ick. Ick.
So, if you're at my school tomorrow and you see me, be aware: I have the plague!!!! Of course, I fully intend on doing my routine of ignoring it until I no longer can. Despite the fact I already have no voice like 45% of the time. Less than 50%, so it's still a "win" in my books.

I can't drop Bio. I also don't think I can pass Bio, so we'll see what can be done. If I can pull off a D- I'll be more than satisfied. I just want to get the heck out of Dodge at this point, I'm so over school.

I had my last follow-up to my elbow surgery today. It was fine. They're not doing anything about the stupid-ass, bitchy nurse who left those stitches in though. I would've thrown a bigger hissy fit, if I'd had more voice at the time.

My radio show is starting next week.

My life is so full of uncertainty and so many people need me to plan for the future, and I'm still trying to find a job for now that I can fit around school....why does Senior Year suck so much ass? But it's almost over.

Chris is coming pretty much every weekend. I feel bad, but at the same time, I looooooove seeing him. He's keeping me way sane right now -- except that he wants me to be able to figure out my life too. And he wants me to figure it out with him in it. And I want him in it. But if I can't figure it out for just me, how do I figure it out for more than that?
I feel like he's bailing on his friends for me, something we said we'd never do. It makes me really uncomfortable, actually, but when I express this he says it's no problem and basically tells me he doesn't like anyone, and I'm the only important person.
Ok, most important person, yes. Only important person? If you say so.

Here's something that's pretty easy to figure out: Ethan Reynolds on here!'s The Lair. I haven't seen it yet, I'm fighting with Comcast but by the end of the week I will have seen it. I hope, because on Friday the next episode will air and I need to see it.
Also, Ethan is embarking on a multi-city tour. I'll be creating an epic picture for his contest -- a picture with your name and the city you'd like him to visit. If I don't win, at least he'll be entertained. (When I have the photo made, I will also post here for all of your enjoyment. As I will also do for some of the flyers for my radio show.)

I'm gonna try this sleep thing again.
3:47 am.
Blah.

"No way to control it, it's totally automatic"

I haven't written in a while because -- and this will shock you -- I have not had anything particularly exciting going on. I'm still dating Chris, I'm still working at Dark Lady, I still don't have a day job, and I still don't have an apartment (though I just got a lead on one). I'm still in physical therapy and my elbow is getting better every day. Isn't this all so droll? There haven't even really been any big parties or anything or shocking plot twists in my life. I'm fine with that, but how can you stand it? :P

Anyways, instead I thought I'd do a little "Our Favorite Hotties" update for all of you. (Starting, of course, with me and Chris....but we just did that one.)

First, of course, is Ethan Reynolds. I don't think I mentioned that he started a group for go go boys and strippers and such on Myspace? Well, it's been a great networking tool. That's not really news about him. I don't have much news about him, except that he enjoyed his birthday except for the black eye he got (and then used to his advantage in this photoshoot!)

And, of course, he appeared at San Diego Pride for Krave Nightclub. (Okay, I'll be honest, I just wanted to show the picture of him with the writing all over him. I didn't think you'd mind.)

Now, truly, there have been some busier hotties out there. I haven't talked about him much, but this guy like never ever takes a break or day off, I swear. Which is totally not a bad thing because then there's zillions of pictures of him which is fine by me and everyone else I'm sure.
Cody Fallon has a major interview coming up in Beautiful. If you're unfamiliar with the website, shame on you! They've got great taste and are long time fans of Roman Heart (much like myself). So, what's not to love? Anyways, Cody seems really excited about this interview (on Myspace anyways) so I'm guessing it's going to be a big deal and it's going to be great.

Like a Polaroid Picture

So I'm putting forth a great deal of effort here as I am thoroughly unmedicated right now. It feels about equivalent to how I imagine it would feel if someone were taking a rusty, dull, serrated saw and attacking my elbow with it.

I'm going to talk to you today about go go dancing. Why? One, because I miss it lately. Like, a lot. Two, because I have lots of hot pictures of other people go go dancing to share with you too, so pay attention. Three, because lots of people have questions about the job, and hopefully this will answer some and if it does leave a comment!! I'm interested in hearing your questions, comments, and thoughts about go go dancing!

Anyways, I do miss go go dancing. I mean, there's a lot of negatives to dancing in a club. For instance, there's the completely unfounded idea that comes along with anyone who works in any aspect of the sex industry -- that you're also a prostitute. I have never had and would never have sex for money (although I am absolutely not passing any judgement on anyone who does, I don't see a problem with it, it just isn't something I would do). I didn't even do private dances -- not even still at the clubs I've worked at.

But somehow, working in that industry you aren't just a visual object for people to look at -- which is really how it ought to be -- you are a sexual object people believe they can touch and feel as they please. That's a distinct negative, especially when your friends begin to get that idea as well. And while they may not realize this (or they may), there are a good number of people in my social circle at the clubs who treat me in that way.
It's that very idea about dancers that makes dating so difficult.At the same time, I made plenty of friends out of customers and coworkers. Of course, some of my friends distanced themselves when I started to dance. I don't know that that wouldn't happen again, especially since I've gotten back to being closer with some of them since I stopped dancing.
But, respectively, I've also become very distanced from a lot of my other friends I used to see on at least a semi-regular basis when I danced at XS. And if I could manage to stay friends with the ones I've reconnected with, and reconnect with those friends I used to see all the time when I danced.

I also really miss those bonds you form with the people that you dance with. Sure, they're not my best friends, and we may not actually be that close but even now...anybody I danced with, I would do anything for. It's not like a familial bond, it's more of a "I've got your back" kind of a bond. And that's the truth. I did then and I do now have the back of any of my coworkers from my go go days, and I don't think they could do anything to change that. I miss that kind of instant and, in my opinion, necessary bond of a sort of trust (probably the closest thing to trust that I feel with any males, cause, man, I have issues) that builds between dancers.

And without my go go dancing, I would not have had the opportunity to meet the occassional porn stars that I have met and I thus would probably not talk to the models, porn stars, and other beautiful people that I'm a fan of -- some of whom, I would go so far as to call Internet friends (when I use the term friend kind of loosely, anyways).

There's also that whole exhibitionist streak in me. I don't have the best body and I never will. I'm not saying that as a complaint, I love a large number of my flaws (the major exception being my ginormous nose, but other people seem to like it), it's just a statement of fact. That doesn't mean that I don't love for people to see it. And I love seeing other people's bodies -- okay, true, not everyone's but still. It's a whole give-and-take, extremely shallow and vain form of exhibitionism but it's exhibitionism all the same.
I know I can show off a little bit when I'm not working, but it's just not the same. Anyone who's been there and enjoyed the job knows exactly what I mean.

Plus, I just love wearing sexy underwear and dancing is such a good excuse for it.
I also love the make up and themed outfits that we occassionally find ourselves in -- a personal favorite being my "iced out" look for New Year's Eve.

Also, when I was go go dancing I never had the financial issues that I've been running into in the past months. I never made tons (although, it was not uncommon , but it was enough to get me by and -- with the help of a minimum wage day job -- keep me living in fair amounts of comfort too. Now...well, now I am flat ass broke and asking my parents and grandmother for money with some regularity.
As degrading as a lot of people think the job is -- and, yes, in some ways it certainly is -- it helped me be independent from my parents and in that sense I had lots more respect for myself than I do right now because I knew I could rely on myself to pull something together.

I mean, I know in this post I'm ignoring all the things I tend to complain about and hate about go go dancing, but isn't there a down side to most everything?

But anyways, I'm definitely planning to continue dancing at the Dark Lady when I get home for the summer. Hopefully when I come back to this area next school year, I'll be able to get a gig at Town or Be:Bar or Grand Central or some mixture of the aforementioned.
I'm also going to begin working out as soon as my elbow's recovery allows me to. I want to improve on myself.
(Go go dancing photos are stolen from the Myspaces of: Ethan Reynolds, Blake Riley and Cody Fallon and depict Ethan Reynolds, Cody Fallon, Blake Riley, and Roman Heart)Got questions? Go ahead and ask them in the comments!!

Photos photos photos!!

I have two brand new photoshoots I want you guys to take a peek at.

The first is F&G Photography with model Daniel Miagany. You can see more at his Myspace page, but just to give you a taste of how awesome this is....this shot? All four of these gorgeous guys are him.Also, Adam Bouska has done a new photo shoot with a model named Kyle H, who is from Kansas City, Missouri. (Kansas City isn't in Kansas? What?)

It's not my favorite Bouska shoot, but it's still pretty hot, I mean...the man can do no wrong. You can see more of this at his website.

I will tell you what though, I do have a new favorite picture and -- surprise, surprise, it comes from Ethan Reynolds. Cause, you know how love water with my hotties. It's true.

While we're on the subject of photography, I want to introduce you to another one of my favorite photographers who is also a friend of mine. His name is James Tate, and while he's beautiful enough to be a model himself, he's a photographer based primarily out of Philadelphia...here's a couple of his photos to whet your appetites.
I love his work, I'll probably show it more often. He's a brilliant photographer. He's actually done photoshoots with lots of my friends -- not with me (yet anyways :P) -- which I'll probably share some of at a later date.

In ME news....two days til I'm home in RI again! Yay Easter break!
Alright, well, it's time for me to head to class....hope ya'll have a good day!

"All he left us was alone"

So, today.
Monday. Definitely Monday. Not so definitely St. Patty's Day, though I hope you all enjoy the holiday and hopefully with a little more boozing than I did (but I think enough of that happened Saturday....)
It was a frustrating day. None of my classes seemed...worthwhile, I guess. I was very honest with people today though -- particularly professors. It seemed appreciated though.

Rehearsal was almost a waste, I was in there for a half an hour. We found a shirt for my character, so that was good. And I expressed how I wished there was more for me to "play with" to the director, and he did a little bit to help me out with that.

So I've been thinking about this list of things I want and need in a boy. How impossible is the list? It's pretty awful, but here's what I've narrowed down to specifically the "need" aspects:

1. Must be attractive.
2. Must love being paid attention to.
3. Must allow me to take care of them a little bit, but still be able to take care of me should I ever need it.
4. Must be able to put a smile on my face even when I'm being moody.
5. Must not be as much of a jealous asshole as I am.
6. Must know how to calm my jealousy. (Which, ps, isn't that hard if you know what to say. A guy could easily learn this if they asked. It's all one sentence, and it doesn't have the Big L Word in it at all.)
7. Must love to take me to social events with his friends, or at least introduce me to them. (Make me feel like a trophy boyfriend sometimes, y'know?)
   
8. Must love to be taken to social events with my friends or at least be introduced to them.
9. Must be encouraging about my attempts to take care of myself, but not afraid to recognize when something I'm doing should not be encouraged and to say so.
10. Must have a sense of humor.
11. Must have a flare for living life, not just getting through it.
12. Must have a strong personality.
    
13. The most important one, hardest to find: Must tell me when I screw up!! Tell me when I'm overbearing, tell me if I'm annoying, tell me if I do something they don't like because either I can and will fix it, or we'll work around it, or it will be a deal breaker but at least there won't be any question of why things ended!

That's only thirteen things I need. That's not so impossible, right? Is there more to that list that I'm forgetting? Anyways, I'm a little curious....so leave me a comment to discuss...how similar is my list to yours? What is your list of Needs in a potential mate? Or are you still in the process of finding that out?

(Random Ethan Reynolds pic courtesy of his Myspace. It's beautiful, he's wearing a vest, he's beautiful. It just needed to be here. :P)

"The universe has been changed because we touched..."

So I really have nothing to say except, rehearsal is going well and yesterday Katie went back to the doctor and they told her she's even more of a cripple than we thought so yours truly is now a full-time nurse! :P

My stats have informed me that I really need to talk about hot famous people more often -- ow, ow twist my arm. Even if it's just a picture here and there. Most specificlly, Ethan Reynolds -- who is, I'm not even kidding, getting me more hits than anything else on this blog by a long shot. (Adam Bouska is running second, so expect him to be featured with some regularity too! And of course, the various porn stars generate some interest too...)

Don't worry, those of you who read this for me and my exciting life...I'm still going to be self-centered and write almost exclusively about me. I'll just throw in little nuggets and photos about other people who are more interesting or at least more well-known (until I make it to Hollywood...watch out bitches! :P)

Other than his whole thing going on with The Lair on Here TV (which, ps, is also going to be featuring Johnny Hazzard! I need to get me this Here TV thing! :P) most of Ethan's news is exclusive, only going to his "Board of Advisors", which I am not a part of (please, I can barely handle myself, let alone a well-known model breaking into television) and even if I were a part of it, that's classified information!

Anyways, the news I do have to share is this: if you are friends with Ethan he has a photo up now which needs comments. Not for him. For the other party involved. David DeCocteau, the director of the Brotherhood movies (which I love, though probably more for their homosexual undertones than the actual, plot :P)Ethan really wants people to let David DeCoteau know how many fans he has, so here's the plan for any of you who have Myspace -- go to Ethan's page, add him if you aren't friends! If you are already friends with him then just go to the photo and leave a comment!

(Pictures were borrowed from Ethan's Myspace and from Hazzard Ahead. I do not own any of the pictures or the people in them.)

Adam Bouska and Ethan Reynolds

So, one of my favorite photographers has teamed up with one of my favorite models.

I cannot quite express my joy in words, so I'll just say:You can check out more of this set on Adam Bouska's Blog.

Double the fun!

No, this isn't a gum ad...

This is your Pretty People of the Week. Yeah, I skipped last week on purpose (however, not writing anything else at all was not on purpose. :P) See, I was saving up for this double dose of hotness: Benjamin Bradley AND Ethan Reynolds, the Ginch Gonch boys.

These two are a total phenomenon. They've shot the popularity of not just Ginch Gonch but men's lingerie through the roof. I was watching some video about that a few weeks ago. No, I don't remember the video, I don't remember where I found it. It was a while ago. But it was talking about how these two are like a stroke of advertising genius.

And let's face it, who wouldn't want a product sold by guys like this? They're sexy and adorable, hot and cute, and dare I say it? Even beautiful. And on top of that they exude charisma. I'm not saying they're like world-leader material (but then again, how many world leaders have charisma these days? :P), but I am saying these two are charming. I haven't met them (yet, but I keep telling myself it's only a matter of time with the way they travel and the way I party)

Uhm...and how cool is that their job is to go to awesome events and parties and chill in their underwear? Seriously, where can I get an application?

Also, can ya'll see where Ethan had been a blond (still hot, but like seriously blond). Now his hair is as hot as I've seen it in any pictures of him -- dark with red in it! Now I'm pretty thoroughly convinced they can't get any hotter. We'll see.
In totally self-centered news? I came to realize something awesome about the fact that mommy and daddy have stopped paying my credit card bill: I can buy Ginches or AC or AussieBum or any of the underwear that I have been dying to get my hands on for dancing! Exciting? I think soooo!
See, every cloud has a silver lining. Or, at least, some kind of lighter colored, shiny lining.

Ooooh, I found the video I was talking about earlier!!!

Benjamin, Francesco, and Ethan....yeah, I kinda can't even handle this pic. Too much hot, like staring at the sun.

If you want to know more or follow their travels or look at more pictures or...y'know, whatever. (Know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more, say no more :P) here's their 'spaces:
Benjamin Bradley's Myspace
Ethan Reynold's Myspace
Project BE (Benjamin's Site)
Brat Boy School (Ethan's Site)

PS I promise I'll write a real update tomorrow night. Promise promise promise!

Disclaimer: I definitely took all these pics off of the sites I linked to above. Actually, pretty much just the 'Spaces.

Fall on me...

So, that title was an attempt at a clever pun but I've had waay too little sleep to pull it off. Anyways, why is that somewhat close to being a pun? Because this week the pretty person of the week is Cody Fallon!

I sent out a thing on Myspace seeing if any of my friends wanted to be the pretty person of the week this week....I got a few answers, though I'm not sure how serious they were. More than that, I noticed that Cody has a birthday coming up. (The 28th, ya'll!) So I opted to do him instead of anybody who offered. Next week I promise I'll do someone I actually know, I know ya'll liked that last time.

So...Cody Fallon. Really, really, ridiculously good looking. Up there in the top...whatever number...of the hottest hotties. He's got the perfect body...look at it. Don't drool on your computer too much.

As we all know, I'm a face guy and what is not to love about his face? Especially -- and I am sure this is like the first thing everyone notices -- those lips. Those lips are to die for.

Another fantastic thing about Cody, at least from my point of view, is that he's only 21. Until the 28th, when he'll be 22. I'm sure the fact that I'm suddenly focusing more on people closer to my age is really healthy, and Cody supports this whole new thing.

My history -- and I use the term loosely -- with Cody started months ago, actually, on the Real World Casting site. He won me over with his charm and wit and openness in his blogs and videos on the site. I voted for him religiously -- a few other people too but primarily him. He didn't make it (though by that point, my other contestants were all out, so gratz to Cody for outlasting everyone else I voted for!!)

So it wasn't long after that that I was meandering across Myspace and saw in the top friends of our favorite though yet-to-be-featured underwear boys Benjamin Bradley and Ethan Reynolds a familiar looking face with a familiar name. Cody Fallon? I was excited, so I checked it out.

The frikkin' stud had been hiding the goods! There is NO way he would have failed to get on the Real World if he'd had this for his main picture:
His Myspace was also, like his Real World Casting page, very honest, charming, and very much "I'm Cody, whatchoo gonna do 'bout it?" (The answer being of course: I'm gonna add you!)

Not long after that, I was...well, let's be upfront here. I was horny, so I went on Randy Blue. And there he is again. Cody Fallon. I'm unintentionally stalking him, but I'm definitely not complaining. I only watched the preview (I haven't got enough spare money regularly enough to pay for a membership...though I may work extra hard to scrounge up the money now!) but it was enough. Problem solved just like that.

Did I mention that I like his lips? I'm sure if I did but I'm also sure it bears repeating. And that little soul patch? Wicked hot.

Sooo, to sum it all up: Cody Fallon is a god and if you want to get me something for Christmas, clone him. :-P The washing machine is singing at me (that's a whole other story that I should have already posted but haven't gotten to yet) so....ciao!((Disclaimer: I got all of these pictures off of Cody's Myspace. No Google at all this week!)