"I console myself that Hallmark cards are true..."

I am a little more than devestated right now.

I know I shouldn't have fallen so hard, so fast. I know I should have asked him to wait for me, although really I couldn't because he'd already told me not to wait for him (and aside from that, later he said that if I told him not to go see other guys that would have been the end of it). I guess I didn't have another choice.

I'm not looking for something serious. I'm not looking for long-lasting. I'm just looking for something tangible, something based off of more than just sex. Mostly, I'm just looking for a guy that I like enough to pursue to like me back enough to date me.

Every guy I've ever dated has pursued me and I've been like "Yeah, you're alright. Whatever." In one instance, I came to like that person a lot.
Usually, I like the guy and I try to date them and it seems like everything's going well for me and then suddenly, no warning, it ends. It hasn't managed to start yet, but it ends.

I don't understand, but I hate it. I hate men.

"I wish you were a stranger I could disengage"

I am full of self-doubt. I hide it behind this mask of conceit and arrogance, which has seeped into my actual self. But mixed into that conceit is doubt.

Nothing brings out these doubts like relationships with other people. And right now, I'm almost overwhelmed. Between the restlessness I've been feeling, which is a new feeling for me because I usually I manage to keep myself entertained with the things I'm doing.

More than that, there's boys. Sadly, I'm still hung up on the one boy from Rhode Island. And, speaking of Rhode Island, none of them are calling me, returning my phone calls, or anything. I did get a MySpace comment (in reply to a MySpace comment I left him) from one of them today. But it's a little worrisome. Are they okay? Did I do something wrong? I'm sure I'm just being paranoid but, it's a worry none-the-less.

Then there's the happy news, which of course is making me self-doubt more. Why? Because I met a boy. In fact, I met him last night. And spent most of the past 24 hours with him. And we may or may not have used the boyfriend word. I definitely have a hicky on my neck.
I'm nervous, it's moving fast. I've never used the boyfriend word when I've known someone for less than a week before. I'm worried that he's more into me than I am into him, I'm worried I might subconsciously be using him to try to get over Neil. It's not him, he's great. Well, he seems great so far (although I found his MySpace and it's a little...not anything at all like him). It's all in this massive lack of trust in myself.

Some day I'll figure out where that stems from. In the meantime, I'm going to go to sleep (because no matter what this post is telling you, it's Monday now...and it has been for two hours). I'll wake up, go to class, come back and play a nice game of "Anywhere But Here", and then go with the flow. That's how I roll -- with the flow.