"There were times when I wanted to hurt you, and there were times when I know that I did"

Things get crazier here all of the time. Since the last time I updated, a lot has happened, so I'm going to breeze through all of that and then talk about what's really on my mind right now.

Thursday, a large group of my friends went to XS. It was fun.

Friday was a party with friends from school, but Beau came with Katie and I too. The cutie charmed the socks right off everyone, myself included! There's some pictures, but to protect the innocent I'm not gonna share. :P It was themed to be "Something That Happened on the Day of Your Birth". If you could, you were supposed to dress as whatever event you chose. Katie, Beau, and I all failed to dress as an event, but at least we had looked up our birth dates to find one to comment on. I chose two: the birth of a straight female porn star and Madonna being on the cover of Cosmopolitan.

Saturday, I hung out with Beau some more and then he headed out. Then I joined up with Cody and Aaron and we headed to Jeffy's and then a whole gaggle of us headed over to Philadelphia to party at XII Air Command for Charlie's 17th birthday -- cause it's 17+ on Saturdays. I met a guy there, he works the door and his name is Drew and he's got beautiful lips. I mean, there's no chance of it going anywhere because how often am I in Philadelphia? Never, right? Right.

I got back at 4 in the morning, slept like log (for once!) and went to rehearsal. I was there most of the day Sunday. And much of Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. Yay tech week!

Last night, The Diary of Anne Frank opened. It was great.
Afterwards, Amanda and Tyler and Brighid and I went to XS. My hair was still white. Tons of people were there, all abuzz with tons of gossip about topics I won't get into because it doesn't concern me but let's just say someone in our little circle of friends is making headlines, unfortunately not in a happy way. Michael was also there. And, surprise surprise, that's what I want to talk about.
After Easter weekend, Michael basically disappeared. I know that he and I talked about how nothing was likely to happen until we had graduated, but he wasn't answering texts or anything and we had talked about hanging out at least one more time. I was a little put off but more than that I was concerned. Finally, I messaged him on Myspace and he answered and explained that he'd just been really busy. Makes sense, I have been too.
Further lack of communication until I message him on Myspace inviting him to Wednesday's preview show. He declines, politely, but does inquire as to whether or not I will be at XS on Thursday.
So, lo and behold, he's there, I'm there...and Tyler's there. And Michael is like absorbed in Tyler, and Tyler is of course seeming to be interested in Michael, because how could you not be?
Brendan tells me that Michael's been talking to some high school senior (which seems to be a recurring theme for me). That's fine. What I'm not yet okay with is flirtation between Michael and one of my best friends.
Of course, unbeknownst to me, the two have been talking on Myspace for a couple of weeks. Why Tyler didn't tell me, I don't understand. But we talked about it today, and Ty and I are fine. Ish.
I explained that to Tyler, who was trying to respect that. I tried to tell Michael, but I just could not work up the balls to pull him aside and say anything. I sent him a text message this morning explaining why I'd been upset and apologizing if I'd been bitchy.
He called me that afternoon from work, said hi, asked how my day was. We chatted a little bit. He said "I got your text, I'm sorry I didn't answer. It's been a busy day." I apologized once more for being weird and he told me it was okay, it was totally understandable. Then he said he had a customer and he would call me back in a little while. There has still been no phone call from him.

Talking to friends has not made me any less upset or at all happier about the situation. Everyone seems to think I'm reacting reasonably here. Chloe, however, says that by apologizing I'm giving him power he shouldn't have. The cast of Anne Frank seems to think that the purpose of his phone call this afternoon was just to be a dick.
Somehow, I just can't find fault in the boy. I mean, I try because blaming myself for feeling and acting like this truly sucks. I call him "asshole" and "dickwad" and "jerkface" and raise my voice and shake my fist and occasionally hit things, but I've never felt like he deserved any of that. Is that weird?

I'm trying really hard to move on, or at least manage to put my feelings on hold and behave like a sane and rational person. I'm genuinely happy for him if he's got this other boy that I don't know and hopefully will never meet. That's great! And I could see him flirt with almost anyone and be fine -- so I'm making progress. But it still stings to see him flirting with my best friends.

What's worse, and what makes less sense, is how much trouble I have talking to him now. It's so awkward. I have hundreds of things I think of to say and ask. I want to hear him tell me every detail of his day, I want to know where he goes, what he does, who he talks to -- everything. I want to see his smile (I won't lie, the main reason he's still on my top friends on Myspace is because that means I get to see that smile whenever I log on); I want to make him smile. I'm seriously crushing hard, and it's totally ridiculous because I spent less than a week hanging out with him or talking to him. And in that week we talked about everything...now all that comes out of my mouth, if anything is "What's up?" and there's so much more going on in my head that for some reason I can articulate at all.

I'm figuring a few more rounds of John Tucker Must Die this week -- since I don't have rehearsal -- and a lot of chocolate and ice cream and I should be absolutely okay again. God I hope so.