"The 50,000 dollars you stole from her!"

I have a secret now.

Okay, technically, there's a few. Not one person knows them all, but they've all been shared with my confidants. This one I've only told a couple people out of that select few.

But this one is big, and scary, so I'm gonna write about it here.

To start with, I should not have called my mother yesterday. I love her to death, and she used to be great when I was sick (I had an awful cold yesterday) -- but she used to be taking care of me, not just talking. When mom just talks, it's usually a mood-killer because as much as she professes that she is a realist...she's a pessimist. Particularly when finances are concerned.

Now, I'd also like to point out that my doctors have told her on numerous occassions not to discuss finances with me unless the news is good, because they noted (correctly) that I will always feel guilty (because it's my medical problems that cost our family the most), and will always worry, and will always stress myself out over them, which then increases my chances of having my Crohn's disease flare up again.
Does my mother listen? No.

So, now, after talking to mom yesterday, not only am I trying to think of when I could fit in doing the modeling offers I've received...but I'm concerned that I may be heading for a Crohn's flare up. I've not been taking care of myself as much as I should -- I've been too busy making money and trying not to fail classes.
Despite that, mom says it looks like I'm going to need to transfer somewhere closer to home and cheaper -- in other words, the school I desperately did not want to go to that is a mile away from the house I grew up in.

And I can't help hold this against my brother somehow. He's got to go to the school he chose, without hospitalizations and fate stepping in, for all four years -- and I'm stuck in Bumfuck, PA making a great turn out of settling for less. But I don't even get the chance to settle for less for four years -- I have to settle for less for two and then settle for even less for two more!
And that tour of Europe mom and dad sent him on for graduation and promised I would also get? Yeah, that's not happening.
And I probably wouldn't be so pissed at him about this if he wasn't wasting his degree and, as far as I'm concerned, his life. Whereas, I have every intention of using my degree and actually being an actor. I've even planned out (tentatively, of course) with some friends a post-graduation move to NYC. Of course, that did involve borrowing some parental money to get us started so that probably won't happen either.

I've never known a more frightening set of letters than the abbreviation for that God damned school in Rhode Island. The only thing I can think to do to make more money is to try to fit the skeevy offers I occassionally get on sites like MySpace for modeling...and porn. Nothing against porn, but it's not something I think I could or should do. I've seen the controversy when reality TV stars turn out to have been porn stars -- imagine trying to be a movie star or a Broadway performer with that history. I don't think the media circus would be a pretty sight.
And did I mention that the offers usually seem really skeevy?

I could take out more in student loans, but that's just putting off the immense amounts of debt until I'm struggling to make it in the real world.
Moving off campus next year might help, and Cody, David, Josh, and I had all been discussing getting an apartment together.
Perhaps I can get some help from Brendan, although I'd rather not...maybe the club would be able to help me out somehow too.
I bet if I talk to Jason he'll have some ideas too.
When I go home, I can investigate...I had heard from my boss's rich friend (who was going to help next year but now that he's gone missing or whatever) that Rhode Island offers a lot of little-known-about financial help for education and that it's not something you need to pay back. I don't know how reliable he was, but we'll find out.